[trdleblue]

I'm a little hesitant to put this up here because it is a bit specific, but I am really struggling right now, and would like some advice. I am almost 40 and up to a little over a year ago, I never told anyone about my past. It was at that time that I told my t, whom I am still seeing. A little earlier this year I started a group for those that have gone through csa. When I started I stated to both my t and the group t that one of my biggest fears was knowing someone in the group. That did not happen at the time, but a new member just started, and as I walked into the room I was floored. It is someone that I know. We are not close, but she does know a lot of people that I do. Since this happened I have tried to make it clear that this is effecting me greatly to my group t. I'm not sure what she could do, but I don't think that she is understanding how difficult this is for me. I don't feel safe in the group now, and I don't know how to change that. I kind of feel like I am being forced out of the group by this happening. I haven't been able to talk the last couple of weeks, and my anxiety is through the roof. Is this something that I should keep on trying to do? I feel like I am kind of screwed by staying or leaving. Am I overreacting? Would this upset any one here?

[tinyrabbit]

You're not overreacting at all. I'm on the waiting list for a group in my area and am concerned about the same thing - they do at least have a policy for if this happens. Does your group have such a policy? In the circumstances I think the existing member should surely get priority?

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

You're not overreacting at all. I'm on the waiting list for a group in my area and am concerned about the same thing - they do at least have a policy for if this happens. Does your group have such a policy? In the circumstances I think the existing member should surely get priority?

Thank you TR. Either we don't have a policy or it is not being followed. What is funny is that even in last nights group it was discussed that it is important to not have any sort of relationship outside of group. For the other person it does not seem to be a big deal, but she is also much further along in her healing journey. She has been in t since she was a child, and has told several people in her life. What makes it even more difficult to me is that I do like her. It is nothing against her, but it does put me in a spot where I don't know what to do. My individual t actually told me that he does think that I should leave. He is not normally so direct, but he said that he thinks that it is doing more harm then good right now.

[Aloneandafraid]

I personally would not be able to continue with someone I know in the group. I totally understand your difficult situation. It's sad but I don't think you will benefit from group T while this person is in the same group. I'm sorry.

I would have the same issues... If someone i knew or who knew my family walked through the door...i would probably walked out during the first session she showed up....that is just me....

[tinyrabbit]

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know what the right answer is, but it sucks that you're having to worry about it.

[WikidPissah]

Ugh...I would react the same way Trtle. I once saw someone I knew in a T's waiting room and that totally freaked me out.

[unaluna]

If you started the group, and she is a newcomer, why do you have to leave? Why can't she be gently asked to leave?

[trdleblue]

Thank you for the replies. I get that this is no ones fault and it is just a fluke that this happened, but I just wish the group t would acknowledge it in someway. To me this is something major and I feel like she is covering her eyes to the fact that it is an issue for me. I realize that the other person isn't going to be leaving, and I am not even asking for that. I just want some type of guidance right now from the group leader.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by hankster

If you started the group, and she is a newcomer, why do you have to leave? Why can't she be gently asked to leave?

She is not going to be asked to leave. I also haven't been asked to leave, but I don't know if I can feel safe there anymore. I do kind of think that my group t would like for me to leave though, but I'm trying to convince myself that that is just my head playing tricks on me. No one in my life has ever known about my past, and all of a sudden there is someone who does. It's just too much for me. Someone we both know called me earlier, and all I could think of is, maybe this person (the new group member) said something to my friend. I know in the back of my head that she probably didn't, but that is where my thoughts now go. I know that things are supposed to be confidential, but what if she doesn't value that rule as much as I do?

could you approach this person after group someday and just express how you need them to know and respect confidentiality? Perhaps even have this conversation led by the current leader of group?

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

could you approach this person after group someday and just express how you need them to know and respect confidentiality? Perhaps even have this conversation led by the current leader of group?

No, I can't approach her after. We are supposed to keep things in group. I have sent a message to the group t asking her to help me talk about this in the next meeting. I guess I will see what she says. I'm not ready to talk about it in group, but I also know that I can't continue without the subject being broached. It's always been difficult for me to talk, but I had gotten to the point where I did feel somewhat okay in that room, and now it's back to being even worse then when I first started. It's also not just the fact that she may say something, it is also the fact that she now knows this about me. I in no way wanted, or was ready for people in my life to know this about me.

Is it possible due to the nature of the group that she may feel similar? You said she was further in her therapeutic journey, but minimally I'm sure she could at least sympathize with how you feel? Good luck in group, I hope you find peace in the outcome. Sometimes things like these are better confronted as we can build up all sorta of scenarios in our heads about what that other person is feeling that are so much worse then the truth.

[BLUEDOVE]

Why don't you talk to HER? Something like:" I wonder if you feel the same as me,that I might leave the group cause I worry you might tell the
people we both know?" What's to lose?

[Open Eyes]

I would be uncomfortable too. But, sometimes if you can get pass the initial uncomfortable part, having someone you know, further along, can provide a new friend, someone supportive in a way you have not realized yet.

However, I can totally understand how it can be "too" uncomfortable. I think when these groups take place and someone "new" wants to join, it would be wise if the group was given to potential new member's name to make sure that this new member isn't going to trigger anyone who may know this new possible member. It is such a delicate subject and it is only fair to the members to help them feel comfortable in a group they have already been acclimating to.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Why don't you talk to HER? Something like:" I wonder if you feel the same as me,that I might leave the group cause I worry you might tell the
people we both know?" What's to lose?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I would be uncomfortable too. But, sometimes if you can get pass the initial uncomfortable part, having someone you know, further along, can provide a new friend, someone supportive in a way you have not realized yet.

However, I can totally understand how it can be "too" uncomfortable. I think when these groups take place and someone "new" wants to join, it would be wise if the group was given to potential new member's name to make sure that this new member isn't going to trigger anyone who may know this new possible member. It is such a delicate subject and it is only fair to the members to help them feel comfortable in a group they have already been acclimating to.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Thank you for replying. We keep everything on first names only. I wish they could find someway to check and see if anyone knows one another. We are not to have any contact outside of the group, which is why I wouldn't be able to address her directly. I'm going to try to voice my concerns at the next meeting and hope that will help things. She (the new member) has already stated that she has no problems with us knowing each other. I was never really asked if I was okay with it.

[Bill3]

Here is a story to consider.

When I was in group, my biggest fear was that I would say something highly personal and no one would say anything in response, they would all sit there and stare at me.

Well, a few weeks later that actually happened.

In that moment, my first thought was This is what I was afraid of. I'm never going to speak in here again.

But then I realized something: this thing I most feared had happened, but there was no actual disaster. The roof did not fall in, I actually felt okay. I will spare you the details, but soon the whole thing worked out nicely, therapeutically for me.

With this story in mind, one option for you is to think to yourself that the worst has happened, what you most feared...but maybe you can explore a little and see if it really is as terrible as you might have anticipated. Maybe this unwelcome event could become a breakthrough of sorts for you too?

[trdleblue]

Thank you Bill3. Today is the day, and I am not sure if I am going to go through with saying something. Right now I'm not even sure if I am going to show up. I have never just not gone, but it is what I am thinking right now. I'm trying to psyche myself up, but without much luck at the moment. I really don't know right now if I'm good for them, and if they are good for me.

[Bill3]

It is a hard decision. I hope that you will let us know what you decide.

[ThisWayOut]

I would feel very much like you do. I participated in a trauma group a while back, and a close friend showed up one day. As soon as the T found out we knew each other (even though we had met in a dbt group), my friend was asked to leave and put on a waiting list for another group. I would think that is pretty standard for therapy groups. I have been to groups where I knew people, but it had always been that I met them while in treatment and that was the only way we knew each other. Any time I had known anyone more personally the newest member of the group was moved out. I'm wondering why the T would not be concerned about any relationships, especially if all business should be restricted to group. I know most groups operate under confidentiality agreements, but even so, with members that are likely to have interactions outside of group, I would think that the T would take steps to find a different group for the incoming individual...
I hope things get resolved for you. (hugs)

[trdleblue]

Well, I was not able to go through with things last week. Something happened before group and I was in a very troubled state. Overall I think it is good that I didn't because there were a couple of people missing, which is a third of the group. I am trying to build myself up again, and bring it up tomorrow night. I know that I definitely need to do this. Yes, I have been put in a bad position, but it is up to me to make things better. I have realized this week that I really need to make some changes, even when it seems off to me.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I would feel very much like you do. I participated in a trauma group a while back, and a close friend showed up one day. As soon as the T found out we knew each other (even though we had met in a dbt group), my friend was asked to leave and put on a waiting list for another group. I would think that is pretty standard for therapy groups. I have been to groups where I knew people, but it had always been that I met them while in treatment and that was the only way we knew each other. Any time I had known anyone more personally the newest member of the group was moved out. I'm wondering why the T would not be concerned about any relationships, especially if all business should be restricted to group. I know most groups operate under confidentiality agreements, but even so, with members that are likely to have interactions outside of group, I would think that the T would take steps to find a different group for the incoming individual...
I hope things get resolved for you. (hugs)

I wish what you called standard practice is what occurred in my group, but I am left with the reality that there will be no changes. The issues that can arise are even more apparent after my last conversation with a mutual friend of ours. She spent over 5 minutes telling me how mad she is at X (New group member). I didn't want to listen to it, but I also wasn't able to get her to change the subject. That being said, I also realize that there are only a couple of things that I have control over in this situation. I just hope that what I am doing won't effect others negatively and are also best for me.

[trdleblue]

I failed again. I just want silent and wasn't able to bring anything up. I was hoping that the group t was going to help me some. She had previously said she would, but that didn't happen. I guess she forgot. Now I'm starting to wonder if there is any point to any if this. I don't think I'm strong enough.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that group was so discouraging. What did you and the group T discuss as ways that (s)he could help you?