my first telling

wanting · Oct 27, 2006 at 12:08 AM

when iwas younger there was a boy who was bigger than me althoughwe where both around 9-10 yrs,he got me on my own and made me do things to him iand did things to me.this had haunted me to adult life and as such when i became an adult being with my straight friends,we whent to a gay club on occations with the girls,only i found myself in toilets with men on a couple of occations dong things although never sex,i deeply regretted these things and hate myself for them still as i am not gay and have not done this kind of thing for ove rten years or more

dcs_no1_fan · Oct 27, 2006 at 06:43 AM

(((((wanting)))))

I sorry that you went through that as a young child I hope that you are getting help from a T as I think that it would really help you

Take Care

domino · Oct 27, 2006 at 06:49 AM

Sorry to hear that Barry. Maybe it's good that you share this, it probably get's it off your chest. I know you will never be able to forget but at least you can try and move on forward and try to begin to live your life as you really wish.

Orion · Oct 27, 2006 at 08:31 AM

I'm very sorry this happened to you... I can sort of relate... only it was my brother rather than just someone I knew... I have never really told anyone, mainly out of fear of how they'd react, desiding that I was gay or something, or come to the conclusion that as I'm male I must be lieing as such events only occur to females.

don't have any inspiring messages or anything at the moment, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in such an expiriance

wanting · Oct 27, 2006 at 11:48 AM

I saw a T on about 3 occasions about 9 yrs ago after a suicide attempt i was given prozac and it was the worst time for me,but i stopped b/c it just felt like i had no soul on those pills.I know i should have continued with the therapy,but i felt i was over all that and started a relationship that was actually good most of the time.Now that is finished 5 months ago and i feel like im in quicksand and cant get out.its a 6 month waiting list to see a T now.

Orion · Oct 28, 2006 at 05:08 PM

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
a 6 month waiting list to see a T now.

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best to get the ball rolling soooner rather than later then... I know what it can be like waiting for help as such, when you finally realise you need it but then by the time it comes you're either far far worse or have desided to retract yuorself from everyone again... but at least if you get something started people know, and so it will be easier to get help when you need it

you could always use sites like this while you're waiting, though they are not the same as having a T they can still greatly help.

Soidhonia · Nov 02, 2006 at 03:34 PM

Hello I am sorry that you are having such emotional turmoil over something that hapened 10 years ago. I hope you are seeking treatment at this time, so that you can get some relief from your confusion. I really feel that because you were somwhat coerced into sexual contact ,at such an early age, that you were not able to engage boundaries in your life, regarding sexual issues, and therefore you can not judge correctly regarding the correctness of what is acceptabe regarding sexual issues and committ youself to boundaries that are sexually healthy. Your boundaries are still being controlled by the event that happened 10 years ag, and you need help in establishing proper and acceptable boundaries, for your maturity level ,and for your future sexual experiences that are safe and acceptable for an adult. A good therapist can help you feel more secure in making thebest decision for yourself in making your boundaries a safehaven for you sexually. take care I wish the best for you in getting the right treatment for yourself. Soidhonia

Nov 03, 2006 at 09:39 AM

Hi wanting.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Those things can haunt a person for so long. I'm glad you are planning to see a therapist and it's hard to imagine having to wait so long. Have you talked to them again to see how you might be able to get in sooner than 6 months?

I agree with you about the meds. But you don't have to go back to the meds; that is your choice.

I hope you'll 'talk' here and look forward to seeing your posts.

Meanwhile take good care of you!

biplol · Nov 03, 2006 at 10:00 AM

Wanting, maybe that can be one od your reasons for the drinking problem, the only thing I can tell you is that if you ever need a ear, please PM me, I think you'd feel better about getting stuff like this out.
Hang in there!

biiv · Nov 03, 2006 at 10:06 AM

Hi wanting,

I read your post and wanted to let you know you re not alone. i was not sexually abused and i am a gay woman but i have also found myself out at night doing things with guys which i regret to my core. i feel so sick inside because of them. im afraid theres not much i can say to help except that you are not alone and i hope you find peace for yourself. my thoughts are with you.

biiv

LILITH · Nov 03, 2006 at 11:12 PM

So sorry about your young life...Just remember it was not your fault. Take good care..Lilith

wanting · Nov 04, 2006 at 12:25 AM

Thank you Echos and thank biblol and biiv.your words are much comfort to me and i will pm you echos if you dont mind of course.I have so much hurt and so many things that have happened to me in the past that i am well lets just say,a little messed up,although i do hide it really well,but i guess my illness is a result of all the hidden pain.I have tried to end it on many occasions and always i keep waking up the next day,with more scars physical and mental.I want to make it all better this time.

JustAPixie · Nov 10, 2006 at 06:09 PM

((((((( wanting )))))))

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dcs_no1_fan Member Member Since Jul 2006 Location: uk Posts: 260 18	Oct 27, 2006 at 06:43 AM #2 (((((wanting))))) I sorry that you went through that as a young child I hope that you are getting help from a T as I think that it would really help you Take Care __________________ Really happy in life Happy in love Just in a load of pain all the time
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domino Grand Member Member Since Sep 2006 Location: English girl living in France Posts: 718 18	Oct 27, 2006 at 06:49 AM #3 Sorry to hear that Barry. Maybe it's good that you share this, it probably get's it off your chest. I know you will never be able to forget but at least you can try and move on forward and try to begin to live your life as you really wish. __________________ "to be or not to be" that is the question Domino
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biplol Grand Member Member Since Sep 2006 Location: close to the beach in body, close to the mountains in soul.. Posts: 753 18	Nov 03, 2006 at 10:00 AM #9 Wanting, maybe that can be one od your reasons for the drinking problem, the only thing I can tell you is that if you ever need a ear, please PM me, I think you'd feel better about getting stuff like this out. Hang in there! __________________
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LILITH Poohbah Member Since Nov 2005 Location: MASSACHUSETTS Posts: 1,181 18	Nov 03, 2006 at 11:12 PM #11 So sorry about your young life...Just remember it was not your fault. Take good care..Lilith __________________
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JustAPixie Elder Member Since Jul 2006 Location: South Africa Posts: 5,212 18	Nov 10, 2006 at 06:09 PM #13 ((((((( wanting ))))))) __________________
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