[GirlOfManyFaces]

Hello, I haven't been on here in a little while. But I am back because it was just the one year "anniversary" of the 1st and 2nd time my abuser R*P** me. And it brought back All the emotions and memories. I almost killed myself before because I couldn't cope with the painful memories. And I'm not quite that bad off right now, but it's becoming very difficult to resist the temptation to take out my feelings on myself by SI.
I've been a good girl and haven't self harmed or anything in roughly 5 months. So I really would like to keep that up. I don't want to make things worse for myself, but at the same time I want to SI and forget everything else.

Not to mention all the other pains this "anniversary" has caused me.
I am constantly shaking because I see him everywhere I go. I can't go on dates with my boyfriend because I'm scared of him, just because he is a guy. I can't sleep without waking up in terror and tears. I zone out all the time an go back to when it happened. I have to watch it happen over and over again. I CANT TAKE IT!!
Someone please help me

[nicoleflynn]

Have you considered therapy? That is the first thing I would do. You can also contact RAINN (support for r***p....(you can google RAINN)I have heard wonderful things about them. It isn't possible to begin to heal, until you reach out for help and use all of the resources at your disposal.

Hugs, Nicole

[BLUEDOVE]

Hello Girl,
I can't imagine how you feel,but try to
get your head around this: It is called 'the part of,
whole of error'. What that means is,we are all too
complicated and diverse to be defined by any one
thing or situation or person.
In other words,without
minimising it in any way,this is a PART OF YOU
not ALL of you! This is what we do;something
happens to us and we give ALL of ourselves to it,
when in reality it is a PART of us.
Also, please have
look at this site, self-compassion.org and give it to
self.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Harley47]

Bless your heart Girl...I am so sorry.

I wish I could tell you something that would take away the pain, and let you go about your life without being haunted by this memory. I wish desperately that I could. Sadly, if those words exist out there somewhere, I don't know them. I am sorry.

The best I can tell you Girl is to look at where you are now. Things aren't easy right now, but you know what? You survived. You're taking steps to try to help yourself. You're doing everything in your power to move past the memory of this "man" (and I do say that so very, very loosely...he destroyed any semblance of humanity he may have once had by doing something so awful, in my eyes) and his evil. In the long run? You've won. You've shown that you're unwilling to let what he did stop you from living. You've shown that you're going to go about your life. It's not easy at times, I know...it's a hard road, and there's bumps along the way. But you're taking the courage to go down that road, hard as it may be at times. Simply by doing that, you've shown you have more power and more strength than that parasite will ever have as long as he will draw breath (which, frankly, I hope is short on his part).

I commend your strength on resisting SI...I know that's a difficult pattern to break. Would it help if you had someone to talk to if you're considering SI? Do you, if it would help?

Girl, please know you're in my prayers, and that you have my respect for the strength you've displayed in this. I'm rooting for you.

Hugs,
Harley

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Bless your heart Girl...I am so sorry.

I wish I could tell you something that would take away the pain, and let you go about your life without being haunted by this memory. I wish desperately that I could. Sadly, if those words exist out there somewhere, I don't know them. I am sorry.

The best I can tell you Girl is to look at where you are now. Things aren't easy right now, but you know what? You survived. You're taking steps to try to help yourself. You're doing everything in your power to move past the memory of this "man" (and I do say that so very, very loosely...he destroyed any semblance of humanity he may have once had by doing something so awful, in my eyes) and his evil. In the long run? You've won. You've shown that you're unwilling to let what he did stop you from living. You've shown that you're going to go about your life. It's not easy at times, I know...it's a hard road, and there's bumps along the way. But you're taking the courage to go down that road, hard as it may be at times. Simply by doing that, you've shown you have more power and more strength than that parasite will ever have as long as he will draw breath (which, frankly, I hope is short on his part).

I commend your strength on resisting SI...I know that's a difficult pattern to break. Would it help if you had someone to talk to if you're considering SI? Do you, if it would help?

Girl, please know you're in my prayers, and that you have my respect for the strength you've displayed in this. I'm rooting for you.

Hugs,
Harley

I don't have people to take to. Other than here on PC.

"(which, frankly, I hope is short on his part)"
thank you for this. It really did make me smile

Thank you for your care and prayers. It means the world to me

[Harley47]

Originally Posted by GirlOfManyFaces

I don't have people to take to. Other than here on PC.

"(which, frankly, I hope is short on his part)"
thank you for this. It really did make me smile

Thank you for your care and prayers. It means the world to me

You're very welcome Girl. No need to thank me really. If I can do anything, no matter how small, to help someone through something like this, I've already received all the thanks I'll ever need.

Heh, and I'm glad I made you smile. I was worried it may've been too blunt, but after much consideration, I figured honesty was a virtue, after all.

If you've no one to talk to about SI urges outside of PC, I would volunteer to help in whatever way I can. Feel absolutely, completely free to PM me anytime you find yourself fighting an SI urge...I will do whatever I can to help.

[eblam81]

Hello Girl, I read your post and I want to reach into this dam computer to sit with you and hug you and talk with you, girl to girl. Please try to see the positive in your life. Whatever that may be. Do you live with anyone? Do you have anyone you hang out with? I didn't read if you have a therapist or not but you really should have a special person that you can confide in. Do you or have you been on any meds? I've been where you are. I am probably older than you (50) and have been through many yrs. of therapy, avoiding being out around guys in fear of them all being useless pigs, and lost a 12 yr. marriage of 3 kids because of my memories of it because I couldn't face my husband at times in bed, and when I did, sometimes I saw "His" face and I would go nuts and hit my husband. I've been there, girl. I know that pain, the cutting, the inside hole in your soul. But I fought through it as you are doing even by reaching out here is a big and important step! I always remember one big but simple rule that takes me back to strength....and that is this: Good prevails over evil. It really does. And you are good, and you WILL prevail and move on and do well. One step at a time, just reach out for the help and support. God Bless and please keep yourself safe and give yourself a hug!

[shezbut]

GOMF,

I wanted to respond to you the other night, when I read this, but I was too tired to get my thoughts together.

I do remember you very well, indeed. I can assure you that while you feel alone emotionally, so many of us are there hoping and wishing for you. I am not a religious person, therefore, I don't pray...but that doesn't mean that I don't ever think and hope deeply for others.

I actually have a gold ornament hanging on my dresser, just a word. It says "hope". I often look at that word & it reminds me to keep on going. It is right next to artwork that my daughters have made for me over the years. Necklaces, a sweet heart sign that says "#1 MOM", as well as another sweet sign wishing me a Happy May Day with colored flowers in it. That's what keeps me pushing through daily life.

I know that you're rather young, but you can remind yourself that we all have a special bond as survivors of abuse. Maybe going to a small local group support is what would help you make it through. A therapist could be very helpful as well, but it sounds like you're looking to make a bond or two with your peer group. (That's my interpretation anyway.) You can continue to go to your church, and perhaps start a teenage support group there.

Supporting others brings in some strength somehow. Even in our weakest times, we somehow find the strength inside to help others. Others will be there to listen to you as well ~ they will support you emotionally.

I do wish you the very best & hope that you find the resource/s that you need to help you make it through this difficult time. We are all thinking positive thoughts for you, that I can guarantee!

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Originally Posted by eblam81

Hello Girl, I read your post and I want to reach into this dam computer to sit with you and hug you and talk with you, girl to girl. Please try to see the positive in your life. Whatever that may be. Do you live with anyone? Do you have anyone you hang out with? I didn't read if you have a therapist or not but you really should have a special person that you can confide in. Do you or have you been on any meds? I've been where you are. I am probably older than you (50) and have been through many yrs. of therapy, avoiding being out around guys in fear of them all being useless pigs, and lost a 12 yr. marriage of 3 kids because of my memories of it because I couldn't face my husband at times in bed, and when I did, sometimes I saw "His" face and I would go nuts and hit my husband. I've been there, girl. I know that pain, the cutting, the inside hole in your soul. But I fought through it as you are doing even by reaching out here is a big and important step! I always remember one big but simple rule that takes me back to strength....and that is this: Good prevails over evil. It really does. And you are good, and you WILL prevail and move on and do well. One step at a time, just reach out for the help and support. God Bless and please keep yourself safe and give yourself a hug!

I'm 15 so I live with my parents.(unfortunately)

I'm a student so I guess you could say I hang out with people at school. But not outside of school.

I can't see a T. Please don't ask why.

I'm not and never have been on meds.

I'm sorry that all of that happened to YOU. I wish there was a cure for all this pain.

[blueredgrey]

dear gomf,

i am so sorry for the pain you went thru and the pain you are going thru now.

CONGRATS on resisting SI for 5 months

can i ask you why you don't want to see a therapist? you don't have to tell us, but list all reasons in your mind and consider if your reasons are justified to avoid seeing one?

you are looking for PC for support....we're here to help you in any way we can .......but we are hardly the right people you should turn to!! we all here are pained and sick in one way or another. a psychologist once said "a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind".....and i completely agree with that.

a therapist gives a step by step process to help you heal your pains. you've suffered the aftermath for an year or so. why do you want to continue living thru that pain?
also, sometimes ppl form unhealthy coping mechanisms to trauma....which sometimes may be very hard to leave in future (like, in my case, maladaptive daydreaming....i've been struggling with it for 15 yrs). in some cases, longer ppl avoid a therapist, the more difficult and longer is the therapy period in later life. You can enjoy an emotionally healthier life.

i really, really request you to see a therapist and take you sweet time to find a therapist you'd be comfortable working with.

meanwhile, i request you to also try these things -

1. learn self-defense - it would make you feel really, really powerful. r**e is about power and victim often feels powerless in that situation. when you learn self-defense, kickboxing, karate or to that matter plain exercise - it helps you erase that sense of powerlessness.

2. write - writing is very therapeutic. even if you exactly know incidents, writing gives a sense of validation and helps you process things better. writing is a form of catharsis. it can be in a notepad, a blog or a diary.

you can also write incidents on bits of paper and burn the paper.

when you start writing, you can come closer to talking, which you would help you heal.

i was sa by my dad and i went to a behavioral therapist coz she was the best i could get! BTs don't focus on past as much as they focus on present. It was writing about the incidents which really brought a sense of closure and making peace with it.

i also want to add, pls don't see r**e as a crime man commits on woman. pls see it as a crime committed by the violent ppl on their victims. men get raped by violent men too. i just hope you don't start forming unhealthy opinions.....because some day, you'd find a guy who respects you and loves you unconditionally.

focus on your studies, build a career, take good care of yourself...but also see a therapist.

all my love and best wishes.

[eblam81]

Dear Girl; I read your response and now know your age and where we are in this situation as we stand together. I've been through it and back and I would like to share with you the importance of seeking counseling of some kind because it's just not safe or healthy for you to contain these issues and this pain inside yourself. One way or another, it will find its way out, as I think you've already experienced and it's not usually a healthy way, unless you get support. You can find positivity in life on another side but it takes fight and work and that's all you've got. If you contain it, it finds it's way out through physical illness and other negative ways, I know this personally. You need to purge it in a healthy environment with someone you can trust with knowledge in your issues. There are many resources for you. I urge you to reach out to them. Please remember Self-care...