This is the story of my rape.

I am putting this out here because I very often feel like it wasnt rape and I caused it... but.. well, read for yourself.

I was very lonely, after breaking up with someone and called a chatline. Met a guy, a year younger than me. We decided to go on a date, which went fine, he seemed like a gentleman. I decided to invite him back, but made very clear that if any fooling around happened I DID NOT want to have sex, it was too soon.

One thing led to another and we were fooling around, clothes off. I was semi ok with this, he pushed a bit for it but said it wouldnt go any farther.

Well, he got on top of me, and kept holding me down, and said stay still stay still... and went inside me. And continued even though i began to cry and say no. Afterwards, when I was crying he played sweet, saying, sweety whats wrong why are you crying etc etc. I asked him to leave.

I think this was rape. BEcause I made my intentions clear from the start - I wanted to wait, I had just met him.

But part of me feels like because I wanted to fool around, I t is my fault that it escalated and it happened. I still feel like something was taken from me. It brought up so many memories from my childhood - I experienced the same rape at the hands of the man who was supposed to protect me.

I dont know why Im writing this, I just felt the sudden need to share.

Thank you for reading dearhearts and shouldering some of the pain for me or offering your kind words.

Rainbowzz...

what a horrible thing to have experienced, i am sorry to hear this happened to you.

you are suddenly feeling the need to share this because you are now ready to deal with it, and clean your self of it. so firstly, well done for telling, i know it isnt easy doing this.

it, to me, sounds like rape. you made your intentions clear all the way along, and he took advantage of you. it doesnt matter that you two were fooling around, who doesnt? but it doesnt and shouldnt lead to sex all the time. you say he was 1 year younger than you, meaning his was 17 years old. at 17 the urge for sex is so strong, so he probably couldnt help himself and got carried away int he moment. of course, there is no excuse for he did, and it was entirely wrong.

it was bound to bring back previous memories, which i can only imagine as being unbearable. but you are a brave and strong person for dealing with this so well, and now is the time for you to deal with it once and for all.

did you ever consider going to the police about what happened...at the time i mean? as you didnt give consent, it is classed as rape, ao the police could have got him for that.

try not to let it get you down too much, you are doing well with this. and again, well done for finding the courage to share your story, i know it wasnt easy thing to do.

take care

simon

[JustAPixie]

You can dance naked infront on a guy fresh out of jail and it would still be rape. The instant you say no, it's rape, even if it's half way through. Don't blame yourself because someone else maniplated you... you were vulnarable and needed comfort, not sex. But somehow we feel that we have to give men certain things to receive comfort from them. Definately rape, no discussion.

Don't live your life with if's and maybe's... accept that it happened and thry to make peace wiith it, however hard it may be. But if you allow yourself to dwell on all the what iff's you just get yourself more down. Things happen, brutal cruel things happen to good people, believe me, I know, and we always want to place some of the responsibility on ourselves, but it was not your fault... you drew a line and he crossed it.

Easy words to say, but I'm not there yet either and I too still wonder about all the what iff's...

[Balzac]

Rainbowzz,

In my opinion, you were raped. The guy should have take the responsibility of stopping when you said to stop, or slowing down when you said to slow down, and of being aware that the agreement was not to have sex, even if you fooled around.

If this has been on your mind, and you're reexperiencing a lot of guilt and doubt or anger about that, or what happened to you as a child, it might be time to find a therapist or counselor. Sometimes you need to work on the aftereffects of childhood trauma.

There can be forces in ourselves at work when things happen to us that are destructive. This is particularly true if there's a pattern, or an echo of childhood-- And we can learn to protect ourselves better from the thoughtless or uncaring hurtfulness of others better.

Talking more about your life, and how your experiences have left you vulnerable to further trauma might help you to feel a lot. First, you might be able to reduce your sense of guilt. Even as important, you might become able to speak, or act, more strongly in your own behalf, when things are becoming hurtful.

Vautrin

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. And for the validation. It is something I havent wrked through enough yet to be able to say I didnt cause it.

I am currently starting therapy with a PDOC for this and other things, but we are only two sessions in so we havent really delved that deep yet.

[wanting]

Under British law,what you whent through is rape,no ifs or buts.You said no and thats what no means.Dont blame yourself at all,it wasnt your fault.
This young man if you can call him a man knows he did wrong and was probably expecting a visit from the police the next day because of his despicable actions.I hope you get over this somehow.
I am a man myself but have experienced abuse at the hands of others and i am not ashamed of myself anymore but just angry at myself but i too am seeking help for this 20 years after the fact

Thank you, wanting.

to know that you share in how I feel both saddens me and makes me a bit stronger. feeling alone is the biggest battle.

[nothemama8]

sweetie NO means NO, your very brave to talk about this
Love
Angie

angie

Thank you so much for your support.

WOW the validation I have received from this thread REALLY helps.

there is always gold at the end of the rainbow(zz).

You are not alone, we all know how you feel,, as it has happened to many of us, and i will say it again...you are very brave for doing what you have done. to see that you are dealing with this now on PC two sessions into therapy is a very good sign, and you must have a very good PDOC. these things can take months and months, even years into therapy to surface, but you are dealing with it now, allbeit many years after it happened, but the fact is you are standing up to it, and taking it on, which i can only offer a bravery award to. well done rainbowzz.

take care

simon

[wisewoman]

Not only was it rape but he sounds like he has had lots of experience with this. Scarey stuff. I am sorry that happened.

I want to thank you all for your validation. It means so much to me. I feel much better and more aware of the fact that IT WASNT MY FAULT. Sometimes its just nice to have someone else validate the fact.

[mlyn]

thank you for sharing what you have. I know what you mean and still wonder if I was cause.... of what I think was ...... oh never mind it sucks!