[babs92]

Hi everyone. I am 40, happily married with 2 children one of whom has special needs and for years I have carried the weight of emotional abuse from my mother. I am still in contact with her. Things started going downhill in our relationship when I left home at 21 and then got married at 23.

My marriage has suffered terribly because I have carried this enmeshment with my mother throughout. I went through a year of psychotherapy 6 years ago but it didnt help me. I went to a counsellor and it was kind of healing - contacting the abandoned and unloved child within me.

Now we are in couple therapy, just started. My husband has come to the end of the line but we want to stay together, we love one another. The first session was amazing, we told the therapist about my mother's abuse and she came back with advise and insight immediately. She also told me that I wouldnt probably want to hear that I have played my part in this damaged relationship with my mother but I have the capacity to heal. She has told me not to answer the phone to her, let voicemail pick it up or when I get the urge to ring her write down exactly WHY I want to ring and what would she say.

My mother is manipulative and controlling. I have broken free from her in the past and been a totally changed person and got on with my life and my family. Now I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and now I am questioning this diagnosis as there is absolutely no one in extended family that has it, only depression, panic attacks, PTSD. I remember when I was young that if I felt excited or happy about something I had to immediately squash that feeling because I felt I wasnt entitled to have it. She put paid to that with her abusive remarks and nasty comments about my body, my face, etc. mustn't be selfish or big headed.

My husband asked this question in counselling.......how does my wife distance herself when she has longed for so long to have the mother she craved? How does she get over this grief? The reply was it will take time.

My family were totally dysfunctional and they still are....sometimes I wish they just didnt exist then I wouldnt have to go through this anguish of trying to be strong and standing up for myself.......its hard enough having my son to cope with on a daily basis.

My mother knows I have bipolar and she thinks its an incorrrect diagnosis. But still she PUTS on me, this is the pattern and the roles of mother/daughter have been reversed for so many years. And to top it all several months back my 12 year old neice was being abused by her own mother and now she lives with my mum and her dad. Its all very unhealthy.........I wanted to scream and go and rescue my neice from everything and it took me a while to admit to myself that I wasnt well enough to help her. She was crying to me saying she hated her father and that she would never live with him if he left and got himself a place of his own, that my mother never gave her space or a moments piece - history repeating itself! She wanted to come and live with us. I nearly reported this to social services but my husband stopped me because it would have meant world war III from the rest of my family and we needed to protect ourselves from that. I have a 12 yr old daughter as well so its close to home for me seeing this child in such despair. I just hope and pray my neice gets out as soon as she is able to.

Anyway enough said for now but thanks so much for reading this........I know a lot of you have been through similar situations with trying to heal, but it scares me right now. I want to feel strong enough to deal with her but then on the other hand I want to cut her out of my/our lives altogether - I am worn out.

[biplol]

Babs, i can totally relate to you, I have no clue what to do or not to do. My mother overtime changed and she is bipolar too, so a lot of the abuse was actually related to her illnes, but i know how much you long for a natural ralantionship.
I know you are trying really hard to be the mom to your kids that you didn't have, and maybe that is our compensation afterwards.
PM me if you need anything, ~hugs~

I just want you to know, that I feel for you in your situation. Having a controlling mother... I know about.
You really have a lot on your plate. I think you're a wonderful woman and an amazing mother to your children. I'm always here for you, my friend!
I hope our fellow members, have got some helpful suggestions for you.

((((((((((( babs92 )))))))))))))

[Peanuts]

I am sorry your mom is that way. My parents were also very controlling - they have mellowed in their old age but they can still be very controlling. I moved out of the house and seperated from my parents and to a small extent my siblings when I was in my early 20s. It was difficult but also a great relief. Several years afterwards I was able to be around my family without getting tangle in the control game as my siblings were. My sisters are still tangled up with the folks and they never make a move without clearing it with them.

I don't know if the way I broke away was the best way but that is what I did. I don't get money assistance like my siblings but I do have my freedom. My folks visit often now, especially since my children were born. And we have a much better relationship then years past. I think they know better then to pull any control games with me - and I actually think they are OK with that. I know that I'm glad to be "untangled".

Do what is best for you - perhaps a cold turkey break is not for you. It would help you out though, if you can put some boundaries around them. Hope something works out for you.

peanuts

[FaithisAlive]

hey.... My mother isn't quite likes yours... mine is more passive aggressive... manipulative by using guilt and withholding love....

she always treated me as if I were the other woman which in a way I was even though I was only a little girl.I always yearned for a mother who would hold me and protect me from the bad things he did to me....

instead i got the one who acts like she hates me, who is jealous of me,who holds guilt over my head.

I had to accept that she has never been any different and she is not ever going to be.The hurting little girl who needs her mommy is going to have to be mothered by my adult self...

once i accepted that I was able to accept her and i was able to set up boundaries which means she no longer has the power to control me. it hasn't been easy and i still find myself relapsing.. wanting her to be a sweet loving mom and grandma...

You can get through this....you can find the strength to stand up and take your life back from her... it is yours to live.. and it should be filled with joy and happiness.. you deserve it...

I pray you and hubby will work through this and draw closer to each other because of it....

Faith