even from a distance....

...my sister is trying to run my life.

I've been in this town and in this job for 4 weeks. I have had exactly ONE full paycheck. From it, I had to make a car payment and assorted other things. I get paid again Wednesday.

I forgot that I owed her money. I told her I would send her half when I got paid. I have now gotten 4 snotty emails from her giving me crap about how I spend my money.

I lived with that for 6 months, and I had to, because I lived in her house. But you know what? I'M F'IN FREE. I pay my own rent in my own place. I buy my own food. Am I wrong to think she has no right to tell me how to spend the money I earn?

I am happy to pay her back but I'm now taking crap for doing things like buying Christmas presents (like I can show up at her house empty handed, or I would have heard about that too). I'm taking crap for not working at a part-time job an extra 40 hours a week so I can make money to pay people back. Her 20 year old son is depressed, poor baby, and he comes home and sleeps all the time, or lays on the couch and watches TV endlessly, but I had two major life transitions in 4 weeks and I'm not allowed to get depressed? It's been a hard adjustment!

I would never presume to tell someone how to spend WHAT THEY EARNED. I put in the time and effort to get the paycheck -- totally not her problem where it goes.

Am I wrong? I'm too pissed off to tell.

Candy

Candybear said:

...my sister is trying to run my life.

My first reaction is you're kidding, but then I remembered your post was about your sister.

She has NO right to tell you how to spend YOUR money. She really thinks she is Queen of the World. I'm sorry -- I know she's your sister, and you love her, but she is really a control freak, and WAY out of line.

I'm sorry, but if she were my sister, I would divorce her. I don't like her, and I especially don't like the way she treats YOU!!!!!!!

Hugs,

EJ

Money, money, money. If there is one thing that can quickly turn people against each other, it is money!

Not that I don't understand your situation and all the pressures that you are facing, but if you had made an agreement to pay back money at a certain time, then that should have been a priority. If you knew you could not meet that agreement, then another compromise should be worked out. I know this will sound mean, but would you have forgotten to make your car payment, or rent, etc?

Oftentimes, we feel we can let slide, favours (especially money favours) that have come from family or friends, especially when money is tight. They are often the last ones considered on the list of IOU's.

I'd be pissed too, not so much about the money (in my case), but because I was forgotten (as in your case), or ignored, or just plain blown off as if I didn't really "count." Respect may be the bigger issue here now.

I think your sister is probably just as stressed (her life, her son, losing you (believe it or not), etc.) as you are, and is transferring alot of her anger onto you. She also may need the money now as you did when you received it.

However, one thing that can really set people off is money issues. Whenever I lend money, I never expect it back (that way, I am not so disappointed and it also limits the amount I am willing to totally let go of), but what really bugs me is when that friend doesn't take my loans as seriously as their other obligations, or start to ignore me because they cannot meet their obligations.

When I borrow money, I always try to, at the very least, make a gesture of payment (no matter how small the amount is). If I cannot even do that, then I believe they are owed some sort of explanation. If it comes with a chastising, then I take it, because, after all, I am the one who screwed up, not them. And if that chastisement came in the form of "how you ought to spend your money," then so be it. Of course it will %#@&#! you off, that is exactly what she is trying to do to you!

And apparently, you aren't so F'IN FREE, 'cause you still have obligations to meet. When you have finished that, then you will be F'N FREE (of her, at least, financially speaking).

And I know sisters, they can be relentless, especially when they feel they have been wronged. I got 2 of them, too, both just as rigid when it comes to money...

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but I'm now taking crap for doing things like buying Christmas presents (like I can show up at her house empty handed, or I would have heard about that too).

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If you are having financial difficulties, then maybe your sister is right in that you ought to be setting priorities.

Who gives a crap if your sister does not receive a gift. If she cannot handle that and starts to give you grief, then just tell her you are prioritizing your money and this year, a present just wasn't in the budget (unless, of course, she would prefer a gift over a payment of the loan).

Money only goes so far and sometimes, luxuries, like ODing on Christmas gifts in lieu of financial obligations just does not make sense. After all, do you think the Mortgage company or vehicle finance company, or any financial institution is going to let you "slide" just because it is christmas and you moved and you just started working at a new job or that you are depressed? Hardly. All they want is their money, and on time. Borrowing from anyone else should be considered the same - the law sees it that way - so should you.

And I just don't get it. If you have such a precarious relationship with your sister, why on earth would you want to spend time with her? Would it not just aggravate things? Can you really afford it anyway, in terms of your health and your finances?

I don't recall agreeing to pay her back at a certain time. She mentioned it to me when I saw her at Thanksgiving and I told her when I got paid next. I guess I shouldn't have assumed she would think I could afford a couple hundred bucks without a full paycheck.

You can bet I will do it first thing tomorrow, though, when the direct deposit hits, and then maybe I'll rethink spending Christmas there. She tells me to grow up, then treats me like I'm 3. Now that I am no longer under her roof or eating her groceries she doesn't really have any say in how I run my life, if she ever did. It seems to annoy her. (BTW, it was her idea for me to go live with her, and then she spent 6 months making it crystal clear that she didn't really want me there. And did I mention she's my health care power of attorney even though I have no memory of signing that? She steamrollered that one, too.)

You want to know the scary thing? This is the sib I get along with!

Family: Can't live with 'em ... can't shoot 'em and leave 'em by the side of the road.

CB

Hi Candybear!!!!
I haven't been around for awhile so I'm just finding out that you got your own place!!!! YIPPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!
I'm soooo very happy for you, congradulations! You got away from the wicked witch of the west!!!!!!! Hip, Hip, Hurray!!!
... Grrrrr! But she's STILL being an idiot-not surprised. Anyway, if you see an email from her, just delete it without opening it. YOU DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER CRAP ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
If you want to drive her nuts pay her back her money in tiny increments like $5 a week. She needs to take a laxative or something, dag- you JUST got back on your feet. She can't let you breathe a little can she? She sounds like a major control freak. Just dance around doing your own little jingle and don't let her stop you 'cause it obviously kills her to see you have any kind of happiness in your life that she cannot control or hold over you.
So go on and jingle, jangle and tell the pain in the butt that she'll get her freaking money-you're not moving out of the country any time soon.

Yeah Jax, I got a job in a whole 'nother state, much less a whole 'nother city, than my sis. Thanks for being happy for me.

Candy

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candybear said:
She mentioned it to me when I saw her at Thanksgiving and I told her when I got paid next.

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That right there is your contract obligation you made with your sister.

Anyway, don't sink yourself financially in order to pay her in full, if you don't have to. If you have to neglect other bills in order to pay her, that is not good either! Maybe it would be best to try to work out a payment schedule - at least a temporary one that gets you through the christmas holidays, but then that means having to deal with her more, but hey! at least it's through e-mails now, right?

And about your health care power of attorney. If you are well enough, it should DEFINITELY be changed if you don't think your sister will act in your best interest and could react negatively out of spite. HOWEVER, If you trust her to maintain a level head (insofar as her formal duties are concerned) and feel you still need her to have that p.o.a., then allow her to keep it. My older sister may be a screaming freak with other things, but she is very level-headed when it comes to these types of matters and I would still trust her to act appropriately and continue to do what is best for me if she were put a position where she had to act.

My best friend is currently in the same position as you were. (except she's a full blown heroin and crack addict)

She was invited to stay with her older sister (in order to straighten up), but her sister puts so much pressure on her all the time, and nags her to no end about irrelevant and unnecessary things. It is really sad to see this taking place. Neither seems to realize how devastating this will be, not only for my friend, but for her sister as well. If I was a betting person, I would definitely put my money on my friend NOT being able to get clean with that kind of pressure (the nagging stuff, I mean) and so far, I would be winning major $$$$$. It's been over six months since she has been here and is just as bad as ever, possibly worse, because now she has to find money elsewhere (and not through her husband) and she doen't have a job; can't get it together enough to go to welfare; won't co-operate anyway, because she is an addict, and on and on it goes. This is her third try with her sister. You would think that both would wake up to the fact that it just ain't gonna work! Never would have because there has always been a current of animosity between them since our teen years (both are gorgeous - both "shared" many friends and even dated former boyfriends of each other - talk about no boundaries, eh?)

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You want to know the scary thing? This is the sib I get along with!

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Yep, I would say that is "scary," to say the least!

Poor you.

I so feel for you - honestly. I gotta hand it to you, if you can maintain family ties with all that stress, you must be one tuff cookie! Or a masochist - whichever... (joke)

I have yet to be able to even think about renewing ties with my sibs. But then again, it is easy for me because none of us have ever kept in touch. As a matter of fact, I believe that once my mother passes away, we will probably never see or hear from each other again, because it is only through respect for our mother that (most) of us show up for special occasions, otherwise contact between us is never made. That's how close we are. One would think this would be sad, but since I have never had those ties, it really doesn't bother me that much (or so I keep telling myself - not quite sure if I am just pulling the wool over my eyes on this one).

Sometimes, it is family that we must let go of (even if for only a short time) in order to heal ourselves, because in alot of cases, it is "familial sickness" that keeps us down. Know what I mean?

Candybear, I am not trying to cause more upheavel for you by bringing up some of these points, but I do think they are worth considering if the situation warrants it. I do not know how close you are to your family, or if there is always major strife, or if you and your sister are just simply ticked off at the moment.

I just want you to be safe and confident and maybe get a little happiness once in a while for yourself. That's all.

Take care, Candybear! (Hey, that rhymes quite nicely!)

candy i got to tell you i lend money all the time to my wifes 6 brothers and sisters to help them along all the time. i used to get upset when they were slow to pay me back but now i just let it ride. its family you do what you have to to get you and yours all though the day. what worked for me was just letting them know how i felt about the problem. hell my brother-in-law owes me 600$ for the last year i get 20-30 bucks in the mail every now and again. i just think of it as money i wouldnt have other wise.

if i had any real family (which im a single child) i wouldnt want to lose their friendships / relationship over something as stupid as money

It sounds to me like your sister is really anxious about her own life and since she can't control it (her son) is taking it out on you since she has the leverage of you owing her the money.

Do a lot of smiling sweetly and wishing her well :-) When you "agree" with someone they can't keep complaining for long. Figure out a list of "agreeable" phrases that are (in a way :-) true and e-mail them back when she gets in the e-mail mood. Things like, "Yes, I really feel horrible I wasn't able to pay you back yet" or, "I wish I could work more hours at this job" (nevermind why you don't :-) She won't get anything out of complaining to/about you and will have to find another victim.

Good one, Perna! If sis could get past that "angry" stage, maybe the real issues she is struggling with will come forth. And if that happens, who better to help her to understand a few things (esp. son's depression) than CB?

And, there's nothing like agreeing to get someone to shut up! (too mean to express? It's just that sometimes, ya just can't bare to listen to it any more...)

AS

I understand your frustrations. Just ignore her snobby comments about how you spend your money, pay her back, and then allow her anger to ease away. Ulitmately it is about her getting paid back, because it really shouldn't be her concern what you do with your money. Now that I feel your perspective I will stop telling my sister what to do with hers as well.

Candy , I have to agree with Altered once you said you would pay her next check it became her business. I think if someone owed me money and said they would pay me next pay day and didn't ...I too would be upset....I can see all sides on this. It just seems like lack of communicating on this issue...Can you take the Christmas gifts back , pay her some of what you owe her and maybe spend the holiday with someone who doesn't give you so much grief?

when she loaned you the money, it helped you out, right? help yourself out now by paying her back and detaching from all of this anger and being pissed off. you did tell her that you would repay her by a certain time and that should be taken care of.

borrowed money, between friends and families, generally causes problems.

be thankful that you're in your own place, have a job and actually have the resouces to pay her back. the longer it takes for her to get the money back, the more anger and upheaval is coming your way....trust me.......it happened to me recently and a friendship was really harmed over my not being paid back in a timely manner. i've moved on but won't be loaning any more money...not that i have enough to loan in the first place.

I put the check in the mail yesterday. I hope that's the end of it.

Poopiebear your invited here for Christmas and allllll other holidays, heck you don't need a reason just come
Angie

awwwww, thanks Angie, but PA is a long way from WI! Maybe I'll have to start saving for a plane ticket.

or a dog sled huh?

(((((Candybear))))))))
I think she's a witch.

I love you, Jax. Thank you for always, always being on my side.

(((((((((((((Candybear))))))))))))

Sorry I did not see this before. I tend to stay in a couple forums due to time restraints.

I'm so happy for you that you were able to move away. I hope that she will back off now that the bill is paid. Good luck with the new job!

I owed both my brother and sister money and it caused our relationship to deteriorate. My brother offered to loan me the money but I asked to borrow from my sister. Both have helped me out in the past because I have struggled all of my life financially and in every other way. That being said, I already was feeling like crap to have to need them again but it was necessary. I was going through alot of different problems one after the other and I was having financial difficulties and I started off paying them back a little each month and then stopped because my BF stopped working and I didn't have any extra to give. Then I got diagnosed with an illness and had surgery for another illness, it was a mess. The bottom line is they didn't really care, they wanted their money. My brother told me so in an email when I had just told him all of the difficulties I was going through and was very depressed. So I started to pay them both back. Every time I got paid I paid them something even if it was 5 dollars until it was finished. I kept receipts and wrote down everything so I would have proof. It took 2 years but I did it. Now we barely speak. I spent Thanksgiving alone and I will be Spending Christmas alone. I will never ask for or accept money or help from them again. I understand your hurt and pain. You want to pay her back but you don't have it at the moment. Can you get on your feet, can you take a breath first. I know! I don't know what to say except pay something every time you get a paycheck so that she knows you are trying. Maybe you can get through this without causing a rift. It sounds like she has some issues anyway. Sounds like my sister. I don't have much of a relationship with her either. Maybe you should try to put some distance between yourselves if there is always tension and disagreements. Thats how I feel. Everyone always says family is everything but I don't agree. Sometimes family causes alot of pain and you need to distance yourself.