[radio_flyer]

I hate the word survivor because it means that we have "survived" the abuse of someone.. and yet we carry the weight of the damage whereas the abuser goes on their merry way. And that irks me big time. Too bad "survivor" didn't mean well yes we survived but the abuser is payen the consequences for causing so much damage to one. Then I could say yes, being a survivor is a good thing....Being a survivor only means pain..... and I don't like it one bit that my life is full of pain , cause by others.. I wish I was a jerk and could hurt them back, just I can't do that. I don't want to hurt anyone.. It seems the "*** holes" are the winners in life... I've tried to be one, just it give me such a tummy ache and not worth it to be a jerk to others..Maybe this is the "damage" speaking, but I want so much for folks to stop abusing children, women, and even animals.. This world can be soooooooo cruel ... and yet God says love... How can we love when there is soooooo much abuse against others in this world.........

I am tired of carrying the weight of guilt, pain, damage to me caused by others..I don't want to be a victim.. I don't want to be a survivor. I just want to know life without ever experiencing abuse. The way God meant life to be. And I can't find it.. .

[lenjan]

((((((((((((radio_flyer))))))))) Couldn't have said it better myself. It infuriates me that my abuser will not see justice in this life. I dunno how we get over that. Maybe together we can come up with a way.

CB

[biplol]

(**((**((**((**Radio**))**))**))*)) There ar eno words I can say right now to make the pain go away. Only tell you that I'm here, I feel for you.
~hugs~

[charlajustin]

I wish I could knock on the doors of the ones who abused me and tell them what I think of them and let their families know what they did to me and I pray that they are not doing the same to their children or any child past or present. But, I will never have that chance, they live in another state or might not even live there anymore or even be alive anymore ( I wish ).

I have not survived the abuse, it effects everything I do. It is something that I can never forget no matter how hard I try. I can push it to the back of mind for a little while but, it always finds it way right back up front to destroy whatever little bit of happiness I might be feeling at the time.

I just know I am here and try hard not to let take my life away completely for the sake of my husband and children. I am here for anyone who needs someone to talk to. So pm me if you want to vent or just say HI.

All you can do is try and try as hard as you can and maybe, just maybe, you get moments of happiness that can erase for a short time the pain of what happened to you.

[pamelasu]

I know how you feel! I wish I could take the pain away for you. I know it's frustrating and that you just want to pretend that none of it ever happened, but it will make you a better person because it did happen. Please don't be so hard on yourself! *hugs* We are here for you!

[radio_flyer]

There is a book out by Joyce Meyer, The Confident Woman.. Maybe this can be a good start... Been awhile since I picked up a book to read and this one did get my attention....Hope I can find it in a "used" book store..

I don't know how they do it. Have they no conscience? They don't care and yet we carry the shame and damage..

((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))

[radio_flyer]

Thank You ((((((((( biplol)))))))))))))))

[radio_flyer]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I have not survived the abuse, it effects everything I do.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You hit the nail on the head with that comment. As odd as this may sound, I sometimes do forget. Only to "wake up" and find myself in another horrible mess. So I "shut down" for years only to realize that I am letting life pass me by.

A tenant sicked their dog on me and I panicked and tried to jump a fence, only to land with all my weight on one leg. I didn't realize until I made it back inside the house the damage to my knee. Leg, at the knee wasn't connected right because everytime I put weight on my foot my knee would give out.. I did not go to the doctor.. I was bed ridden for a few weeks and my sister gave me her old crutches to use. I used them for a few months. Goes to show how "sick" ones thinking can be at times. I decided since I tend to not "watch out for me" and forget how people can be, that I needed to be reminded by the pain in my leg. I know.. dumb thinking.. I still have problems with my knee and it is a good reminder.. But only a reminder when my knee hurts. Doesn't make sense .. does it...

I just get tired "dealing" with things. Takes up soo much energy...What takes most people minimum energy, it takes my all to do.. Even going to a stupid store takes planning and escape routes and mega energy.. I wish instead of "me" having these issues, that the abusers would be panic stricken going into a store or mall... grrrrrrrrr And boy do I wish their sex life was screwed up like mine.. And they would feel dirty, ashamed and worthless.. Just to name a few things or after-effects. Sometimes I just want to run down main street and screammmmmmmmmmmm and what a sight that would be..

[radio_flyer]

Thanks ((((((((( pamelasu )))))))))))

[babs92]

Quote
I just get tired "dealing" with things. Takes up soo much energy...What takes most people minimum energy, it takes my all to do..

(((Radio-Flyer))))) I agree. We have a lot to deal and cope with in our day to day lives and this in turn can be exhausting emotionally and physically. If you are married with kids etc. then for me its doubly hard as I feel I have absolutely no space left for myself - zero its gone. I am trying to deal with the abuse from my mother through therapy and sometimes I think "OK but SHE doesnt have to do this, she is not willing to make amends and seek therapy herself". Why do I have to do all the hard work, I am only 40, she is 60. Boy am I angry and so furious but I need to stay focused and calm and get through this somehow. I hope you are feeling a little better today and PM me anytime if you need to vent/talk!!

[charlajustin]

Quote
I feel I have absolutely no space left for myself

Space???? What's that??? I feel claustrophobic sometimes, when my kids or husband are standing too close to me. I just can't breath or think. I sometimes forget what space for myself feels like.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things are going well with you. I feel that you are right but you are also not thinking about the HEROISM behind being a SURVIVOR. If you are a SURVIVOR in the most sense of the concept not only are you living and recovering day to day, but you are also teaching others how to cope with their tragedies as well. SURVIVOR is not just a negative deniominator in our lives it is the PURPOSE and thd drive that motivates us to help ourselves and others. Possibly you are just thinking of the negative, but not looking at the contribution that you have given to society as a SURVIVOR. and wht GREAT input and will that you have given others, from the positive motivation and advice that you have given others that are surviving tragedys in their life, so that they can move in a better and safer direction in their lives. Think of being a survivorinthis manner
S Surviving lifes
U Unsurmountable
R. Recouses through

V Validation
I Integrity
V Values
O Opportunity
R Realism

Take care Sincerely Soidhonia

[radio_flyer]

You made some good points and I do agree.. But.. always that but.. anyway the last thing on my mind is heroism when I am in a store and my hands start shaking for no reason and when panic attacks overpower me. Or when I tend to always be looking behind me to see who is there.. Seems anyone as in "authority figures" tend to send me hiding and fearful. Or when going to a restaurant I always have to be by the door and windows.. I don't know why windows are so important.. I do know the door is an escape...

Guess there is some healing in some ways.. I think "anger" is touching me. I think I read somewhere "anger" is a stage of healing...

I am trying to sort of to find a positive from my history.. Thinks my past has only contributed to my becoming a people pleaser as it is safer... Am slowing coming out of that tho and slowly but surely learning that I do have boundries. I can say "no" when I am feeling strong. That I have rights.. I can bite back too...

I understand "survivor" in the long run can be a positive. Just at this point in my life, the word survivor means pain. Maybe pain I need to face. Maybe it hurts too much to face..Maybe somewhere I was taught that feeling pain is weakness. I am not sure.. My head gets all weird when I even try to go there.. So for now, guess my anger is holding me up....

I guess everyone has in one way or another "survived" some horrendous ordeal in their life. Learning to deal and cope with it is maybe the key.. Something I yet need to learn...

Anyway you have made some great points. Good Post

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things get better for you soon. I have the same problems that you have, I just take medication that helps me to be able to be around people and adjust medication quite often as needed. I am very sorry to hear someone going through the same exact things I go through, and I hope your Dr can adjust your medication, in order for you to feel more secure soon. It is a nightmare but you can get better in time, with the right therapy and medication. I hope the best for you take care Sincerely Soidhonia