[fayc]

I am glad I have found a place to get things off my chest, so here goes. I am really angry at life, I am pissed that very few things seem to work out for me. I am tired of always on edge and scared of everything. I have my parents to blame for the start and I am mad at myself for keeping it going but I have no idea how to stop it. It has hurt my marriage and it seems as though my children have the black cloud over them too. I love my wife ( we have been married 24 years) but my wife thinks I am nuts and I agree with her. When I was very young I knew that things were not right at home, parents arguing and fighting all hours day and night. I always felt like a bother to them so I tried to stay to myself. I ran away at a very young age and lived in cars and wherever I could till I was picked up by police and put in foster care, I couldnt take being hit, kicked, slapped, and low rated by my father anymore ( the name father makes me SICK ) so after months I went home only to leave again out the window in the middle of December in Chicago. I slept under bridges and in other peoples homes till again I was picked up by police and put into foster care. Here is where my life statred to really go off track.The youth officer was starting a program and I got to join it. What really happened is he taught me to drink chase girls and drive him around in the police car. I was only 15 driving a cop around town so he could chase the girls. During one of the sessions I had to have with the police cheif in the town my mother was there and confessed that my father would beat her up and that he had put her in the hospital a couple of times and that the last time she was pregnant and he kicked her in the stomach and she lost the 6 month old baby.Why the f@&$ did she stay with him? Why did she have 6 children? Why did she allow her husband to beat the **** out of us? And afterwards she would try to push it under the rug? Why did dear old dad hate me so much? What did I ever do? For him to pull guns on me , threaten me? I am to the point I dont give a f@&$ anymore. The older I get the worse the dreams are at night for me and the more I hate and cant stand to be around anyone anymore. My other brothers are alcoholics, beat there wives, and so on. I have never laid a hand on my wife or sons but have been off in my own world alot. My wife is the strong one of our family. HOW do I stop the past from ruining our future????? There is a whole lot more to my story, sometimes I think I should write a book, but no one would believe it. Please dont tell me you feel sorry for me I have dont hat for myself enough. I just know I am more than I am I just dont know how to do it? Has anyone else had a more screwed up life? What I have written was just a small portion.

[monkeybrains21]

Mines along those lines. My father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother never stood up for herself. She never went to the cops she always lied about the bruises. When my twin got ill she was reprieved. She spent every minute at the hospital with her. But that left me to dear old dad. I never slept. When my sis was out of the hospital I would hear him in the night. I heard him rape her every night, and I would pray he'd pass out and not come for me.

I still hear the screaming in the dark of night. I hear every noise and to this day I still sleep poorly. He did come for me

[Open Eyes]

((fayc))

Have you ever sought therapy for your past? If you are always on the edge and scared of everything, you could have developed an anxiety problem or even PTSD. None of us are professionals, I have PTSD myself, and I did tend to be a bit hyper vigilant but I didn't realize what that was or that it had developed in my childhood.

Your father may have suffered abuse himself and unfortunately took it out on his family because he never got help with it. He could have even had some kind of disorder too. Was he a drinking man?

I really think you should try seeing a therapist with this challenge, getting this all off your chest can be so very healing. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you should be some tough guy and have lock this away or bury it somehow. You deserve to have a comforting presence that can help you learn how to finally heal that hurt young boy part of you. It isn't about someone feeling sorry for you or pitying you in some way either.

What you are describing is a child growing up who didn't have parents that nurtured him and provided a home where the child felt safe. You may love your wife and children but not be sure "how to love them right" though because you didn't get to see that growing up. However, if you spend time with a good therapist, you can learn to make peace with your past and also discover better coping skills, learn areas you can improve your self esteem, and by doing this will begin to slowly connect with your children even better.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

(((monkeybrains))),

It is good to see you are talking about this challenge. It is a very hard thing to do at first. It can also present some anger because I can see it is unresolved. I can tell you that once you open up more and more and allow yourself to be validated for how that has challenged you, it will be empowering. Often when these challenges take place, one's own family doesn't want to acknowledge it, which makes it even harder. These are things therapists understand and learn about and hear from many patients. They are also very aware that it is very hard for their patients to talk about too. They "know" you are not lying too.

(((Caring Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[monkeybrains21]

Open eyes

I hear everything, the electricity running through the walls, everything. My hearing is super sensitive. The only time I felt relief was when I was deaf for 3 days.

When I walk in someone's house I can hear if a tv is on anywhere. There's a subtle noise phones make before we hear them ring. It's hard to describe, but I hear it all. And yet when I'm around ppl my brain tunes everyone out unless someone is speaking directly to me.

I have family members related to my father who said they knew of some of what was going on but they didn't want to disrupt the family dynamic. They allowed my torture and hell to go on and they did absolutely nothing. They could have saved me but instead they allowed it to go on.

Now I am a broken person. I can't cry. I can't love. I feel no guilt. And every night I dream of their demise. I feel the rush I will have. The freedom, no loss to me. How can u lose anything once you've lost everything? What if u had nothing left to lose but ur life?

I don't feel fear all I feel is anger and the adrenaline the comes with my dreams. It comes in my waking hours as well. All I have to do is think about it. Sometimes I don't have to think I just see it.

[AngieDivine]

Fayc,

You've been through so much, and I admire your courage to share your experiences with us. I also admire your aim to be a healthier person and father. I sincerely wish you the best. I agree with 'Open Eyes' responses. Many times abusers have also been through abuse. In time, you will understand the roots of their dysfunction and be able to forgive them and carry on with your own healing. And hey, if you do end up writing a book about your life, just tell me where to buy it. You have my support.

[fayc]

Thank you for all the replies. As silly as it sounds I dont have anyone to talk to, but I am going to start. I have always felt ashamed and angry to talk about things. It turns to anger, bitterness, and hatred very quickly. I have really started to write about the things that have happened to me and the very far from normal life I have lived. I feel depressed that I have wasted so much of my life feeling sorry for myself. But over the last week I have wrote almost 20,000 words and I am only into my very early teens. When I read it back to myself my own jaw drops. Thank you for all the kind words

***Trigger Warning***

When I was 13 or so my father grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off the ground when my mother finally managed to get him to let go I lay on the floor in the fetal position crying and begging him to leave me alone. Begging to know why he hated me so much. He didn't say a word. He just kept kicking me. Over and over again.

My point with that story is that it wasn't anything we've done that caused them to act that way. We were nothing more than convenient emotional and physical punching bags for them to take their own issues out on.

We were never the problem.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Maybe you could address the issue by telling your brothers that they need to stop beating their wives and kids. If your parents are still alive, then you should tell your dad he's a louse.