[Stronger]

Hello panic attack. Who invited you to the party?
It's always been this way. Except, it used to be that when the subject would somehow come up I would shut down inside and emotionally curl up and guard my deepest darkest secrets. But now that I've opened up about it, every time the subject comes up I get a panic attack. When someone makes some offhand comment, or the subject comes up in a joking way, I just shake. I can't talk. I can't think. I can't do anything except what my instincts tell me: HIDE. Get away from it! Run!
I feel helpless and I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I get what you mean because I don't even like saying/typing the word 'rape'. It always gives me a kick in the chest immediately after I do.

I think it just takes time for the reaction to wear itself down. When I first began speaking about the things that had happened to me, I was very uncomfortable, and it would affect me for days afterward. Now though, I can talk about it or hear others talking about similar cases without it causing that strong of reaction. What I think changed it was finally letting it out and realizing it wasn't anything I had to hide, and that it didn't matter if people knew. I had nothing to be ashamed or uncomfortable about with it. Those negative feelings belong to the ones who did those things.

That being said, I still experience that fight or flight response when it comes to physical proximity, so the above is only part of the equation...

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with it. It's not a joke, and it's very traumatic, so it's perfectly reasonable to have such a strong reaction to it. Are you getting any help around it?

[Stronger]

Yes, I am talking about it with my T, but it's been a little more than difficult. I just sure hope that it will get easier to talk about sooner than later.

[livinginhell]

I get whatyou'r saying, I am still in denial. I won't even tell my therapist.

[Harley47]

It's undeniably difficult...it forces you to think about something you'd, understandably, rather not. It's a trigger, in one of the most textbook cases of it. It's a link to prior trauma.

It, I suspect, lessens with time, though I don't suspect it ever wholly goes away. It's a scar that heals, but never really fades completely away. On the bright side, you've already taken a major step by talking to your T about it. It *will* get easier...it takes time, but it does. Promise. Eventually, as time goes on and you talk about it more (even briefly) and mentally process things, you begin to retrain yourself on the notion that uttering the word doesn't necessarily signal the subject, in a manner of speaking. It breaks (or lessens) the link. It's like someone who is afraid of spiders being shown a tarantula in a glass cage for 15 minutes daily. The first few days SUCK. But, after some time, the person begins to realize the sight of the spider isn't cause for alarm. The mere sight of it does not include the fear of touching the spider or a bite or whatever (personally, for me it's the hair and the eyes ). It's a form of desensitization, in many ways. But analogy aside, it does get easier, and you're already doing well by having talked to your T about it. Congratulations on your strength and courage there.

I do hope things go well for you...please feel free to shoot me a PM if I can be of any help.

Hugs,
Harley

[Lillybet]

Because you have now opened up, it means you get the bodily response that did not happen when you were shut down. Your body is going into fright flight mode. It's like you have all the emotional pain dammed up inside, when you start taking about the rape it puts a hole in the dam but instead do trickling out so you can deal with it, it comes out in a huge rush because there is just so much pressure there.
Like Harley47 said it will lessen with time and management. You need to find what works for you.
I have this happen a lot and I am going to lay myself open to ridicule here by telling you that I talk to my inner child, I explain to her that this is a stress reaction and that I have it under control. That nothing is going to happen to her now. I talk myself down in other words. It works for me.
You are best able to find what works for you.

[transient]

I know what you mean and I still go through that, even though it's been about 2 1/2 years since I first told someone what happened to me.
I'd love to say that time helps, but it hasn't for me. I guess it just depends on your circumstances, outlook, quality of therapy etc.

As for when the subject comes up, I up and leave. It doesn't matter where I am. I'm not able to hear about it, read about it or anything because it still triggers me terribly.
I have one safe person who knows that it's not a good subject to talk about unless I specifically mention it first- maybe you can do that if you have a close friend or someone who you are comfortable with?
And when I hear jokes about it, I get angry. Super angry. People who do that are either 1- ignorant, 2- perpetrators, 3- children/ teens/ immature adults who were never taught better. I don't usually confront the person, but when I do, my voice gets deeper and sharp and I can become pretty terrifying (which is contrary to my usual nature). I let them know that it was wrong and that if they ever say something like that again I will never see them again. (or in my family's case, I said I would leave and never come back regardless of my lack of money and life skills. it might not be reasonable to give them pressure like that, but I didn't mean it in a threatening way, I meant it like 'I will never feel safe here again if you say something like that') Because people who joke about that and don't try to understand my reasoning are people that I view as dangerous.

Something that might help you get better at expressing it/ staying calm after you express it- draw/ write angrily to the person who did that to you. Another thing that seriously helps me feel better when I'm having a panic attack or a flashback is to change what happened in the memory I see. I'll visualize myself getting up and leaving, or creating an ocean between us and putting them on a small island, etc.

[losinghope]

I still have an incredibly difficult time saying the actual word. Even in therapy I refer to it as "what happened to me." I told my soc. prof about it the other day (she also works for Dept. of Corr., so she knows a lot about this stuff), said the actual word, and had to hang onto the table for dear life so as not to have a panic attack.

[GirlOfManyFaces]

I total understand where you're comming from.
Even when I type I have to put *s in place of some of the letters. I can't stand looking at the word. I have huge panic attacks when I see or hear it. I sometimes scream at the person who said it or I start to cry or I stop breathing and just stare blankly

I'm sorry you feel this way. But it helps to know that you are not alone. <3 many hugs an love

[losinghope]

GirlOfManyFaces,
Thank you so much. Even responding to this thread was hard Sometimes I wish my memory would be wiped clean so I wouldn't remember it. Lately it seems to be interfering with nearly everything in my day-to-day life. I've even started abusing my prescription drugs again, partly because of the high, and partly so that I don't think about it for a little while. If it does happen to enter my mind while I am high, it just doesn't hurt as much. I can only work on it in therapy in little bits and pieces, and when my therapist says that word, even though she tries really hard not to (sometimes it just slips out), I immediately dissociate; sometimes it takes a few minutes before I am fully "back." I wish that someday that word will be hardly ever used, because it won't need to be. Until then, I just try to avoid it as much as possible.
Hugs and Love to you, too.

[likewater]

My T has started pushing me to talk about what I call the incidents from my childhood. The worst for me are physical pain memories I get in what she calls my ladybits. What helps then is to think or talk about. My dog who does goofy things like eating the cats' catnip ball like a jawbreaker. Or letting us dress her up in a tie, hat and glasses.

[Mysterious Flyer]

Maybe you could try saying "It's rude to use the word 'rape' in public, unless you are talking about an actual case." Mainly because it IS rude, and everyone already knows that.