[kirby777]

Hi-

My history is unreported rape after (as an adult), severe childhood emotional & verbal abuse, childhood trauma, and an adult abusive(verbal & emotional) realtionship.

Here is my question as to whether I am too sensitive to potention abusive situaions occurring, or I am thinking "normal" for those of us whom have been abused.

I was in a situation where a father allowed his son(15) to sleep in the same bed with a 11 yr old girl (non relative, close friend of male's daughter). I indicated this was inappropriate and I would not allow this if I was the adult in charge. I was told I am over reacting. I demanded the bedroom door remain open, and stated when I wake up during the night, I WILL open it if it is closed. I also suggested the father sleep on a couch directly in view of this bedroom. I was told I am nuts.
I said that I am not accusing anyone of any thing, but hormones are flowing in 15 year old boys, and no matter how "close" the 2 families are, it does not matter as familial CSA occurs.I know the 15 yr old watches porn. (I am not inferring that porn causes CSA, I just meant to say the boy is naturally sexually curious)

I did wake up several times,and looked in. The girl was not under the covers and had her own blanket and was as far away for the boy as she could be. She was also turned away from him and had a sweatshirt on.

Am I paranoid? I felt it was in appropriate, and would NOT have permitted it if it was my home not if I was in charge. If I knew the girl's mother I would have contacted her & asked.

Thoughts, opinions? MY T and pdoc both stated they would not permit their daughters nor sons to be in that situation.

Thanks in advance!

[unaluna]

You were not out of line. As an adult, i would consider myself "in charge" of any undefended child such as that 11 year old girl. Otherwise i would feel i was guilty if anything bad happened. I dont know what the legal implications are, but you should protect that child if at all possible.

[nicoleflynn]

We need to have common sense and listen to our "gut" feelings; that is why we have them. I have heard good things about RAINN (support regarding rape).

I have never believed in being TOO sensitive; many people are not sensitive enough. No, I would never allow 2 people of that age to sleep together; asking for trouble.

[kirby777]

Thanks hankster & nichole!

The father of the son had stated to me, "You are too sensitive. You think poorly of my son. Your thinking is a bit perverse.". To which I responded "My background or psych issues have nothing to do with my thoughts on this. CSA DOES occur withing blood related families, so being "close familial friends" has nothing to do with it. Etc.". The following day I was ALWAYS around the little girl. Nothing was going to happen to her whether her Mother likes me or not.

[monkeybrains21]

I agree. A boy of sexual age and curiosity should not be allowed to sleep in the same bed as a younger girl or any girl or that matter. I wouldn't even allow them to sleep in the same room. I don't consider it being over protective. I consider it being protective in a society where CSA occurs all the time with hardly any repercussions for the abusers.

Personally I would've probably slapped that man who have lip about his son having no I'll intentions. He would've earned a punch of the comment of me being perverse. I would probably also report the man to child services. If anything were to hve happened he would've probably said boys will be boys.

Your concerns were valid. I might would have handled it differently. Perhaps making up the couch for the boy or the girl and nicely but directly asking one of them to sleep there rather than implying sexual abuse to the father. That would have simply moved them away from each other and problem would have been solved without anyone needing to feel defensive. There are ways to handle this discretely without it coming off as accusatory.

[kirby777]

Thanks monkey & sierra!

Here is the problem, to me....son dictates to father..if father says no, it is a constant whine session. (To me, I would rather hear whining than have something occur) Father caves, son gets his way..

Son must have asked father about this sleeping arrangement earlier in the day, using the excuse they wanted to sleep in air conditioning. (To be honest, the girl is so well behaved respectful, she would have slept anywhere father asked.) I am not allowed in the bedroom per the son, father will not sleep in bedroom as his deceased wife used to sleep in there. Wife put a gun in her mouth & fired, DOA at hospital about a year ago...not at this mountain vacation place, in their day to day home. The one couch was also in the air conditioning.

But of course due to my psych and other issues, father sees me as trying to cause issues where there are none. What he does not see, which I do, is that this child has zero rules, no discipline, and this is doing him any favors in the future. I understand about the suicide, but this is the wat the father acted all of the child's life.

[i dont matter]

there is a difference between naive and stupid. the guy is being stupid. Nothing good will come out of this.

I hope you are able to put your foot down.

[bigjellybelly]

You are not being too sensitive. I don't think even that you were overly direct - this is a very risky situation. I don't allow my daughter to share a room with my partners son (they're both a similar age) as it's just not appropriate whatever his intentions or levels of curiosity are. You did right by her. It sounds like father is so intent on avoiding saying no that he's prepared to place another child in an inappropriate situation which is very wrong.