[homealone]

I will try to be brief as I can. I am a married, middle age, white male, and was sexually victimized the first time by my mother when I was very young and through my childhood, then again when I was 16 that came about from my first counselor and then with my fathers participation. I know I am still insecure today as I was when I was 10, and professionals have only seemed to make matters worse.
Now my question; has anyone here ever experienced having idenity difficulties or people saying you have multiple personalities or what they call being disassociative?
I casually read about this on another site with survivors recently. But then I began to see that it could actually apply to me as well because I have always had to create my identy. I don't actually have one. I do not think this is clinically significant, but it could begin to explain why I can't function socially or work outside our home.
I realize I am new here, and hope I am not being too personal. I have asked this question on another site but have not gotten any response, probably because the people are afraid.
I have tried numerous times over 30 or more years at therapy, but no success due to the lack of theraputic professionalism and overall lack of integrity among providers in this geographic area. I have good insurance, but I have also been victimized twice, the first time seriously from the counselor and my father as mentioned above, but most are just plain incompetent. I can trust people just fine, but I have had my share of having to counsel a 'Dear Abby' counselor more times than I care to remember. And I still get mad thinking about what simple unqualified social workers have billed my insurance company for.
What can be done? Where could I possibly turn to find a competent individual, irregardless of credentials, who could discuss this as well as other matters with me? Travel might be within possibility if required. I am at a point where I must progress.
Thank you.

[PlanningtoLive]

hi Home, welcome.

I understand not knowing who you are, or having an identity. I kind of absorb my surrounds and become what people want.

It is significant because you need to know who YOU are first, the real you. I have a wonderful T who is there for me. I called him at 2am on New Year's eve, and didn't remember doing it...........I checked my phone and I had indeed called him.

Keep trying to find a person that genuinely cares, and by all means, please keep posting here. We're a good group of caring people.

Mary Alice

[homealone]

It sounds like you have a trustworthy companion in your T, but I find it unbelievable you have his phone number, let alone able to call him @ 2 am! I couldn't get 911 then if I were dying. It must be nice to have another person like that. My wife listens, but is having problems relating anymore, that is why I am inquiring about a T for myself. I despiratly wanted to join a support or therapy group, but it is simply non-existant.
I can't imagine a T that close, and not expect favors back.
Just how close are you?
Tom S.

[PlanningtoLive]

Home, let me clarify my statement, okay? And Ozzie? you are awesome for sticking up for me {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ozzie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} how sweet, ty!

Home, I have access to my T 24/7 by his paging number, not his home. All I have to do is call them, my name is on a list to be put through immediately, and they contact my T. He in turn calls me back within 10 minutes or less.

I have been in therapy with this man for the last 2 1/2 years. He is the most caring, supportive person I have ever met. I can tell him anything without judgement or reservation. At first, yes, I did think you meant something else by your reply.........so, since it was not meant that way (?) I accept the apology.

The reason my T is like this is because within the last several months I have tried to commit suicide on several occasions, twice in one week just recently. As he told me, he would grieve very deeply for me and he can't help the dead. His whole focus is keeping me safe and alive.

I hope that has helped clarify things. He expects no "favors" in return, other than a promise from me to try to stay alive and call him first before I do something.

Mary Alice

P.S. I'm glad that I have found someone that cares, so I am not quite as cynical as you are any longer.

[yokus]

I think you are setting yourself up for failure. Try directing all of that anger and energy towards finding a therapist that you can get along with and maybe you won't feel such a need to direct that anger towards others. I've been dealing with depression all of my life. You can blame the world or try to find answers or give up. Me, I still keep plugging away and don't expect my therapist to do all the work for me. There are lots of good therapists out there. Just like there are lots of support groups, and sexual abuse support groups that include men. I know from experience, and I'm sure Tennessee is not all that different than missouri. So good luck to you and hope to hear from you again cause this place is pretty great too.

[listener]

Homealone,
you are not alone in any of your issues. It is extremely hard to find qualified therapy for Dissociative disorders. I have DID. I live in MN and have been incredibly lucky in getting qualified people who know what it means to have DID. and this state is known for it's quality health care. I am also an RN.

Getting through the stigma of the disorder itself is hard enough, but it is only recognized in males in about 6% of the cases unless you are talking about PTSD in wartime trauma. You are correct in your feeliongs about people not wanting to hear about sexual abuse in boys although the doors may be opening up as of late with the media coverage of the Catholic Church's problem. (Which I believe are being used as a scapegoat for the multitude of other sexual abusre cases in other churches, in therapists, etc).
I have a close friend who also suffers with us and out of all the DID's I know he is the only male I have met. Interestingly, he is also an RN!
I have some information on some treatment programs that you may be interested in. Unfortunately they are not in TN.
Please email me (see my profile) if you are interested.
One thing though, incredibly enough there are a few therapists who do provide that kind of response any time of the day or night. My psychiatrist who, when he was in private practice, was also my therapist and would let me call him, (have him paged) at any hour.
Those people are one in a million though, especially in a psychiatrist. He still let's me have him paged even though he only works in the hospital now. It really throws the hospital staff in a tizzy though!
Please email me, I don't think I can give out specific program information on this forum. listener

[cherokee]

I have to add: No doubt there are plenty of qualified therapists and psychologists in Tennessee, but often, I have found that, even with referrences from the National Mental Health Association in Rockville, Maryland to some of these Tn. therapists have led me to nothing but chasing my tail, spending too much for trial and error, and once... to reporting one Tn. therapist. You need help now and do not need to spend the rest of your life searching for that needle in a hay stack. Please try those referrences I gave to you in Ky. Let me know how it goes (if you will). Best Wishes.

[homealone]

I read your post and decided, due to the rather sensitive nature of some of the viewers here, I would respond to you privately. I no longer use this public forum.
Thank you for your interest,..Homealone

[Willow]

Tom, You might try a phone interview with the head therapist at Life Management Center in Nashville, TN. I have found him to be quite helpful.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"