Incest

Okay, this is my first time posting about this. I haven't yet been able to talk aloud about this except to my initial at I saw after being arrested who referred me to a trauma T. I only saw her 3 times so far.

Anyways, I don't want to post my full story yet... I just want to try and very sensitively put this out there that I am looking for others who went through sibling abuse.

I am not trying to belittle or un validate someone's experience... Okay. Personal feelings only here. Sometimes I wished more than anything that it was just a random rape... A stranger. But on that note, I feel more disgusted in myself know it was my brother instead of a more dominate role in the family... Like a father. That's why I want to be particular about other sibling incest survivors. I'm having a hard time with this.

My brother (3 years older than I) began becoming very violent towards my mom pretty early on. My dad was military and always away. We both had something happen to us with older kids in the neighbourhood (when I was 7), maybe that is where he learnt what he did. After that moment I was worried I was pregnant and I was even old enough to realize I actually need to have a period first, I just had no idea. We never told.

When I was 9 that's when things started with my brother. It went on till I was 14. The part I think is why it's hardest for me to come to terms with, is that I started to fear so much for my mom (even tho I hated her so) I felt I took on the 'parent role'. When I would yell at Chris it would snap him out of a rage. I knew he was mad and I might have to pay for it later. But eventually... I did just go along with it... I knew it was what kept him calm and I am so disgusted by it, inside I am dying while typing this but the outside.. Is void. When it comes close to heading that way in therapy I switch, or snap, I don't know.

But the disgust, it runs so deep in me and I can't let it go. I am going on 31 and can't let it go.

My brother and I have weird interactions now. I live across the country from my parents (who don't have a clue btw, they want me to house my brother because he met a girl online and wants to move out here eventually, tho I don't think anything would happen now... It would just be too uncomfortable for me). I want the best for my whole family, it's what has kept me alive always being responsible for them (my parents lean on me a lot, mostly financially in the past). I have recently started to 'cut to umbilical cord with them so to speak. I've never had parents I can rely on (I had to pay there flight and just about everything to get them to come out for my wedding, when I had there first grandson I gave them plenty of time to save and yet the closer to my due date the more they tried to hint for me to pay). They never did come out. It was a very lonely delivery as I wasn't talking to my husbands parents at the time and no close friends I felt comfortable asking to visit me in the hospital. Anyways, wow, totally off topic. (Sorry I tend to do that).

I would not ... I repeat ... I would not allow this brother to live with me ... If the parents ask why, simply tell them that your brother knows why and that it's not up for further discussion.

I am also a survivor of incest and abuse by older siblings (as well as my parents) and decided the best way to take care of my physical and emotional well-being was to cut off all contact completely.

This was not an easy thing to do, nor is everyone willing or able to take this route. However, it has served me very well.

Wishing you the best in your healing & recovery process.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Thanks Pfrog, I'm glad you were able to do that, it must of taken some strength! I don't know what my problem is, I always feel so damn bad for them all. (They all still live together btw). My brother was never once independent from my parents. They are really bad with money, I felt bad when I thought they would loose the house, I feel bad if they can't make payments, I feel bad because even tho all that **** went down with my brother, I don't hate any body and I want every one to 'be okay' in the end (seriously, I went through many years of being angry, wanting to tell my parents just why I was so effed up and was obviously such a huge embarrassment to them for a long time). But I won't get that chance to ever justify myself, so I just keep feeling like I have to do better and better...

Okay anyways, I have no idea where that is going...

I won't let him live with me... I like what you said 'he will know' but that will raise more suspicion than I am comfortable with.

You can drop that burden. You are not responsible for anyone. hope you find the courage to talk about the incest...that is the only way you can begin to heal (we never really heal from these horrors, but find a way t live with it)

*sigh*. I thought I had found a way to live with it... By ignoring it. That didn't work I guess

I wish I could tell you there was an easy way to make all the bad feelings to go away, but there is not. I went through something similar with my brother, and a family friend. It took a few years of treatment for depression and anxiety to figure out that I was a victim, even if I didn't fight them off. Today (20 years later) I still suffer from depression, but I think I'm over those events. Things do get better. Forgive yourself for doing something you later regretted. And stick to your decision to not let your brother stay at your house. I think you should tell your parents what happened, but not until you come to terms with it. It might help your parents understand you. Even if they don't believe you, you got it off your chest. (((hugs)))

Thank you IrisBloom,

I know what you mean about the victim part. In away I suppose. I realize I was at first... But then to just give up.... So mad at my young self. I think she is stupid. I know that is not fair too... I have great empathy for others... Not sure what my problem is.

I can't tell my parents, it's a weird relationship. Feelings and things were never somethng discussed. Constant argue and arger is really all I know.... Plus, I don't want anyone to know... You guys... (Tho that is proving hard... I thought there would be more), my T knows... I just can't talk.

Is there anyway to ignore it all, keep going? Pretty sure I have the stealing and drinking in check, I don't think I will slip. I don't thnk I want to have to say things out loud.

I thnk I might be hurting... I can't tell... My outside self is very strong. Looks well.

Healing is a slow process. The best advice I can offer is to be kind to yourself. You need to convince yourself that you were not responsible for what happened, even if you didn't fight him off. You need to put yourself first and not feel bad if you can't do what they want you to do.

Have you been able to talk about this with a therapist? Are you trying to break the ice here before you try to do that?

If you are seeing a therapist, which you should be by the way, the best way to break the ice is to discuss the topic first. You can do that by telling your therapist you read about that challenge in an online support group and ask the T about his/her thoughts on it.

Believe it or not it happens a lot more than people realize. Children find themselves and they might explore with other children, but not really understanding what it really means.
It is also not unusual for parents to be totally ignorant about how that can happen too.

It also tends to bother someone even more when they have their own children too. It can become especially challenging when one's own child turns the same age as the parent who suffered that kind of scenario was.

There are therapists that hear about this kind of situation a lot more than you realize. It tends to be a more common skeleton than you think. Human beings are "sexual beings" and children discover this at surprisingly young ages. It is also not uncommon for the female child to give in as females in nature do that too. It is just that young females don't really understand what it means, not in any kind of "adult" way.

The history you are discribing is one where you had to step up and take on the parenting role which was not fair to you at all, what child really understands what "parenting" really means, no, children only want to "please" and see things "safe". That is what you did, you tried to make things "safe" in your own family and they still want that from you.

Well, you have your own family now and you "are' responsible for that and "only" that.
You should not bring your brother into that environment either. It upsets your own boundaries and can potentially be a threat to your child's boundaries too. You should set strong boundaries with your brother too, tell him straight out that you would prefer he not move into your area. You "can" be direct with him about how your past is something you would like to distance from completely and you wish him well in "his" life but you want to and deserve to have your "own" life now. It is high time your brother face that what he did was "wrong" too, and it is high time he deal that issue himself too.

There is this societal "loyalty" to family message that takes place, well, not if the family is dysfunctional. It is not your job and never was your responsibility to parent over your family. You need to break them of expecting that from you too. I am sure you are a very nice person and "caring", I hear that in you, but you really have to work on boundaries now as you will be also teaching your own child about that as well.

I am very sorry that happened to you, it was not fair to you and please don't self punish for it. It's ok to learn from it, know it is wrong and make sure your own child understands body boundaries and that they understand it also as something that not right even with other children.

I am sorry that as a child no one was there to help you set boundaries. It time you do that for yourself now, you deserve to have boundaries.

Thank you for your response Open eyes... I really appreciate it.

I am just trying to break the ice, I'm not entirely good at talking aloud about things... Even saying I love you's to anyone besides my son and dogs seems weird... Anyway.

I get the exploring thing (obsessed with reading...I have to stop and let T guide me but I can't seem too) but it wasn't that and that's what bothers me. It was forceful in the beginning and by the end I gave up. It was all the way most times (not so much as kids, but as we got to teens). T was trying to tell me to feel and I thought she meant feel what happened, so I did start remembering more- like why I sleep with %100 of me covered, because I thought I could disappear into my bed, scared and jumpy in the shower has come back, that hasn't happened in years!mi would remember first hearing the giggle of the door knob, knowing he was out there with the knife unlocking it. He would either yank me out by my hair, or get in, or just stand and watch...

Ugh.

But it's not all hs fault, my mom was very neglectful to hm in the beginning. He was a very sick baby/kid. Not my fault I know, but I don't want to put blame solely on him.m he was just a product of his environment I guess. My T asked where he would of learned it, and through talking to my aunts I know my mom went thru a lot worse with her older brothers and step dad, and that seemed a good enough answer... But I don't think he learned it thru her... There were older kids on the base, that time in the woods... It was that. Then that he learned. It was horrible for me but I thnk he did enjoy it... I can't remember much but wanting to not be there. But it was fine for a whole year it was fine.mi don't remember what life was like in our house, mom was never really 'present' and dad was always gone... But I thnk it was fine. And then we moved again, and that's when it started with my brother.