[Lady Lindsey]

I have been married for 20 years this October. I love the man beyond words. But at times I can't stand him and today the word hate crossed my mind several times.

I try to be patient with him, I try to understand the chronic pain he is in, and that he has BPD and PTSD and that I somehow need to respond in a way that doesn't trigger him...

But some days are so hard! One minute he loves me, the next I am the cause of all his problems... then the next minute he wants to hold me and tell me he loves me, just to start yelling at me the next. It hurts... I don't think love should hurt... but that is all I have ever known.. love hurts... it's just part of love

Today was especially awful. He gets issues with abandonment. I tell him where I will be and when I will be home. I travel for work and told him which towns I would be in, what times etc... he started getting agitated with me and started yelling... was angry because I asked him to finish the fence for the new horse that is coming on Saturday (he was suppose to be working on the fence since June)... He starts accusing me of a bunch of stuff, so I tell him, I understand how he feels and I will just get a friend to do it... that made him angry and he said he would do it.... well I had to go to work.
Later that day, when I am about 2 hours from home, I get a text and he states, I hope you enjoy your new horse. Then 10 minutes later he sends me a picture of him with a huge swollen black eye... said he hit it with the pry bar trying to put the fence in for the horse.
I try and try to call him. he won't answer (part of the game he plays) I can't get home. I am worried about him. I text him back and tell him to please answer the phone I am worried about him. He answers the phone tells me he is fine and he took pain pills and is going to finish the fence. This is all a game to him. He knows how upset I am..... So I call my best friend, to go check on him and get some Ice packed on his eye, I call my Son to go over and help him and check on him. I change my schedule, and then cancel my appointment to go check on my new horse and head home.
I text him a few times, he is nice he thanks me for sending help and said he is relaxing.

I get home he won't talk to me, I make him dinner, he eats it, and then yells at me about how I control everything and he didn't need any help etc, etc.. starts calling me a control freak.. etc, etc....

I can't take it anymore... the games he plays.... Is it terrible of me to think that he may have hit himself in the face for attention to get me to come home? He had done other things but nothing this extreme...

I am so unhappy, I don't want to hate the man I love... I just want him to get help and I just want to love him.

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

I can't take it anymore... the games he plays.... Is it terrible of me to think that he may have hit himself in the face for attention to get me to come home? He had done other things but nothing this extreme...

I don't know why but for some reason I was able to correctly predict the rest of what happened after you said he sent you the picture...

I can't say for sure. You know him though. If you feel he did all of this on purpose & for attention... I also don't see where he got the idea of you being controlling from You did nothing but show concern. Like I said you're the one who's there, dealing with him, you know him. Your suspicions are most likely true.

[SkyWhite]

Is he getting any therapy or counseling for his problems? This sounds like typical BPD behavior, but it also sounds like severe emotional abuse. Even if he doesn't have a T maybe you could get yourself a counselor. It sounds like you really need help to deal with this man. Even if he has these problems he can still choose his behavior. There are many people with these conditions that don't behave this way towards their spouse. It seems he think he can get away with all this because he has mental health issues.

Maybe you could sit down with him and tell him how his behavior is hurting you. Have a heart to heart discussion. You don't have to be a martyr for this man. Abuse is abuse.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

Is he getting any therapy or counseling for his problems? This sounds like typical BPD behavior, but it also sounds like severe emotional abuse. Even if he doesn't have a T maybe you could get yourself a counselor. It sounds like you really need help to deal with this man. Even if he has these problems he can still choose his behavior. There are many people with these conditions that don't behave this way towards their spouse. It seems he think he can get away with all this because he has mental health issues.

Maybe you could sit down with him and tell him how his behavior is hurting you. Have a heart to heart discussion. You don't have to be a martyr for this man. Abuse is abuse.

I am seeing a therapist once a week. She told me she rarely recommended a wife leaving a husband but he is toxic and I need to get away from him. That was over 8 months ago. But he lives in the house I just bought im not going to move I love where I live and I love him

So my t and I are working on my childhood trauma and trying to work and help my self esteem. But I have no support so thats why I joined the forum.

All the love I have ever known my whole life has come with abuse I guess I just think its part of it

Plus who else is going to want a 49 year old women who has major baggage

He wont get help no matter how much I try to convince him.

I know people here probably think I am just a whinny baby and I just need to boot him out. But I do really love him and I have spent 20 years with him. He needs help but I dont know how to get it for him and when I try it usually backfires on me I see my t tonight

[SkyWhite]

It's very possible that if you continue with counseling and strengthen your self esteem you will find the strength to leave him. You may love him, but at what cost? You may discover with healing that he's just not worth it. Part of the problem with people like us, who have been severely abused by people we love, is we maintain that same pattern because it's so damn familiar.

With healing you could break the pattern. And don't sell yourself short about finding someone new. I met my current, incredible partner of 10 years when I was 47 and, believe me, I had baggage.

Keep working with your T. You'll know when the time is right to leave your abuser.

[nicoleflynn]

I left a verbal abuser after 31 years of marriage at age 60 The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. You can't force him to get help, so it is important to stay in counseling, and perhaps you will recognize you don't deserve to be abused. Verbal abuse affects us physically, also. Every time you are under stress, cortisol is released and cortisol damages the immune system.

What is it that you love about him?

I am a 67 year old woman and not worried about who would want me We all have baggage; it is what you do with it.

It is almost impossible to work on your self-esteem, when you are constantly being abused. Your t needs to be working on your reasons for staying and a plan for leaving, if that is what you want.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

I try to be patient with him, I try to understand the chronic pain he is in, and that he has BPD and PTSD and that I somehow need to respond in a way that doesn't trigger him...

For one you should know, that this isn't a game he's playing, it's a method in how he tries to get you to respond to him. He wants sympathy and love. If that isn't given or seen by him he'll react and do something about. I have BPD myself and this is a common trait to most BPD's. Yes this is an act of attention seeking, but it's not something we're consciously aware of all too much. A lot of times we feel someone doesn't love us enough or they don't care anymore and that lingers in our thoughts a lot. So we make those thought into actions to try and 'test' how well the significant other or the spouse, loved one, is when they're given a situation to react to. A lot of times it can be self harming, abuse of drugs, alcohol...ect. Ultimately we don't really realize how effectively dangerous we are being towards ourselves or those around us. We don't intentionally want to do it, it's that we feel we must prove the other if they're truly the one who can feel love towards us.

One thing you'll see a lot from BPD is we're deeply sensitive, emotional, dependent, on whoever is taking care of us. Abandonment, is a borderlines WORST fear.

You feel you can't handle him or you are advice to leave him, that would be a terrible decision. If he knew you'd leave or you do, it could become life threatening.

Take it up with someone who knows about how it is with another BPD.

My mother has BPD and she acts just like your husband does. Towards me, she acts like she needs me, tells me how much she loves me, gives me some affection, but when she's alone with me after an hour or so, she treats me like I don't deserve her. She becomes verbally abusive and acts like I should just kill myself and be the end of it. It makes me feel heart-breaking to have a mother treat you that way and the same must feel for you in a way.

Is it abuse? Slightly, but not intentional. However, working with him, maybe giving him space or having him do remedial task that he'd like to do instead, could help. Maybe speaking in a softer tone that gives away a sound of comfort and understand can change his mind. I'm not a therapist or anyone licensed on giving advice, but maybe looking up some things about Borderline Personality Disorder can enlighten you about some things. Or go to the BPD forum and ask some questions to them about how you should handle the situation.

Don't become irrational, give him time and hopefully you two can work things out. No matter how bad he makes you feel, just know that you can be strong and really try to seek help for the both of you.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by XSleepingSiren21X

For one you should know, that this isn't a game he's playing, it's a method in how he tries to get you to respond to him. He wants sympathy and love. If that isn't given or seen by him he'll react and do something about. I have BPD myself and this is a common trait to most BPD's. Yes this is an act of attention seeking, but it's not something we're consciously aware of all too much. A lot of times we feel someone doesn't love us enough or they don't care anymore and that lingers in our thoughts a lot. So we make those thought into actions to try and 'test' how well the significant other or the spouse, loved one, is when they're given a situation to react to. A lot of times it can be self harming, abuse of drugs, alcohol...ect. Ultimately we don't really realize how effectively dangerous we are being towards ourselves or those around us. We don't intentionally want to do it, it's that we feel we must prove the other if they're truly the one who can feel love towards us.

One thing you'll see a lot from BPD is we're deeply sensitive, emotional, dependent, on whoever is taking care of us. Abandonment, is a borderlines WORST fear.

You feel you can't handle him or you are advice to leave him, that would be a terrible decision. If he knew you'd leave or you do, it could become life threatening.

Take it up with someone who knows about how it is with another BPD.

My mother has BPD and she acts just like your husband does. Towards me, she acts like she needs me, tells me how much she loves me, gives me some affection, but when she's alone with me after an hour or so, she treats me like I don't deserve her. She becomes verbally abusive and acts like I should just kill myself and be the end of it. It makes me feel heart-breaking to have a mother treat you that way and the same must feel for you in a way.

Is it abuse? Slightly, but not intentional. However, working with him, maybe giving him space or having him do remedial task that he'd like to do instead, could help. Maybe speaking in a softer tone that gives away a sound of comfort and understand can change his mind. I'm not a therapist or anyone licensed on giving advice, but maybe looking up some things about Borderline Personality Disorder can enlighten you about some things. Or go to the BPD forum and ask some questions to them about how you should handle the situation.

Don't become irrational, give him time and hopefully you two can work things out. No matter how bad he makes you feel, just know that you can be strong and really try to seek help for the both of you.

Thank you for your point of view, it helps. I try so many different tactics and ways, setting limits, validating his feelings, etc... I have read several books,, I am trying, but it takes two to try. Obviously I am committed to him, we have been together 20 years. For someone with BPD, that is a very long time to be in a stable relationship.....I guess at some point he needs to get help for himself.
and yes my T has warned me about the dangers of being with a man with BPD and the dangers if they feel abandoned... believe me I have experienced it first hand. I'm not ready to give up on him, but sometimes it is so hurtful.... like today, out of nowhere, he tells me he dislikes me more each day and then starts accusing me of all sorts of things that I have no clue how he comes up with... it hurt, it hurt deep inside, he is over it now and is all sweet and cuddly, but the sting is still there and the words are still breaking my heart.... sometimes it is just so hard