[Spidygal]

I don't know how censored to be here so I apologize if its too open.
I am a survivor of a one-time sexual abuse. I've wavered in my healing but feel I'm healed and "past it".
Now the issue is affecting the sexual relationship with my marriage and I don't feel my husband is considerate toward my feelings.

There are certain things that trigger bad memories and remind me of the trauma, shame, and helplessness. When I ask him to avoid doing those things he says I'm not being considerate of his feelings as a male and the things he wants to do are normal and it's not fair to him. He says if I'm still having issues with something that happened 15 years ago that I need to go to counseling. (And not in a compassionate tone, he's frustrated and wants me to get over it enough that it doesn't reappear in our relationship)
I spent 3 consecutive years in counseling after it happened and off and on after that. The issue only comes up in this area of my life and I feel I'm healed and don't need counseling because I believe certain things may always trigger the memory. There will always be a sensitivity around it but I don't believe I need more counseling.

The only counseling I think we both need is how to agree to disagree over such a heavy and hurtful thing. Until we find a counselor, I just want advice about how to get through. He says I'm being selfish and not caring about our marriage or his needs.
I'm not refusing him altogether there are just specific things I don't feel comfortable with and sometimes I try to suppress the memory and follow through. Sometimes it becomes too much and I have to ask him to stop.
Am I being unrealistic? Is there a point where the memory won't trigger my feelings of helplessness? Do I need more healing?
I'm so disgusted with his lack of empathy that I don't even want to be around him. What can we do until we get into counseling?

[CANDC]

I understand his point of view and I see how you are triggered when things get too close to the pain.
IF and that is a big if, you are with someone who is very patient and sensitive, it might be possible to work through intimacy issues over time.
Animals have a circle of awareness. When something is in that circle they know it is there and can detect if it is friendly or unknown. It quickly gets away from threats.
People have a circle like this too, but traumatic experiences can expand this circle even further so no one can go into the circle.
This is like behavior modification but depending on how sensitive you are and your husband is, this could take a little time or a long time.
First see if you can get to a point where you can talk about the possibility of trying experiments in intimacy where you increase intimacy up to your own comfort zone. If this agreement can be reached, proceed.
Start by holding hands and being together. This might be all you do for one night unless you feel more comfortable getting closer. Get him to agree that you call the shots when to move to more intimacy. [If your husband is not patient and just wants to jump in bed, this probably is not the course you would take.]
Suppose holding hands feels good and then you feel like hugging letting you initiate. This could be the first time you try or may take over a period of time.
Then at some point when you feel comfy and want to kiss him, let you initiate.
This can go to deeper levels like like lightly caressing, more intimate touching, all the time trying to stay in your expanding comfort zone over a period of time.
If you don't feel safe or your husband is aggressive, this could just trigger you. If he knows you are trying and sees progress maybe he would agree to this and be open minded.
A counselor could try to find common ground in the marriage and also advise you and him about possible paths of resolution.

[ChipperMonkey]

I am an abuse survivor (sexual abuse). From what you are saying, it seems like you are NOT refusing sex altogether, rather you are refusing certain sexual acts. Is this correct? If so, your husband is being an @ss, to put it nicely. You don't *owe* him jack squat!

Heck, I like kinkier things in the bedroom, but somehow I end up with guys who only like it very vanilla. Their excuse is "I don't like that" or "I don't want to do that". Who am I to say that they OWE me what I want?!?! Dare I say that would be abusive?

There are a LOT of things in the world of sex that are normal which many people do not enjoy. Is it right to force these acts on somebody else because the larger consensus is that it is "normal" so you should like it too? Heck no!!!

[Bluegrey]

((Spidygal))

Just want to say I can understand a bit about how you feel. Similarly, I was a victim of a one time abuse. I hadn't really thought about it for years but things have been triggered in recent months. There are some things I wouldn't be happy about my husband doing just now, too. He is loving and understanding but even so it's easy for something to be difficult for me without him realising it.

I hope you can find a way through things, and that your husband can start to see what is reasonable and what is most emphatically not.


Bluegrey

[flewby]

Hi Spidygal,

I understand what you are going through, I was sexually abused as a child so when I got married it was difficult because doing those things would just bring up bad memories and cause me to go into a panic. it took a long time for me to not associate the act of sex with the violence that I experienced in the past. but it sounds to me like your husband is being very insensitive and just selfish. it sounds like you are willing to have sex just not do certain things that trigger you. He should be more understanding. maybe going to a counselor with him so that a therapist can explain it to him, might open his eyes since he is not listening to you. I don't think you are the problem. don't let him convince you that owe him. He owes it to you to be supportive.

[Big Mama]

You guys need to be in marriage counseling or some kind of joint T. (T = therapy) Abuse doesn't just affect the person who was taken advantage of, it affects everyone involved now and in the future. So it affects you H now. (H= hubby) I went threw sexaul abuse adn rape. It took me 20 years t tell my H and only then did I get the help I needed. But it was most helpful that my H came with me and we talked about a lot of this stuff really openly. He has had individual sessions with the T and I did to. My H really needed to have some of the things explained to him about why I do what I do and what to avoid. There were also issues my H was better at discussing with the T then me.

There are some great books out there "When the woman you love has been sexually abused" and "Haunted Marriages". These both are geared more towards the men who have to deal with us ladies who have been abused.

I have dealt with my stuff and after being married to my husband for 20 years there are still some things that are off limits. I don't think it ever really goes away. Trust can allow some of these things to occur in a safe setting. But it sounds like what you have going on is not trusting your partner and feeling safe with him sexually. That can take some time sometimes.

My advice to you is for you both of you to get into joint T. Your sex life involves 2 people, you and your H, not just you. So the T should be for the two of you.