[striped_unicorn]

I feel like I'm trapped, like I'm an asshole for still thinking about/wanting to leave

My husband, E, has been talking with the pastor for a couple of weeks now

So far the only real change I've seen is him admitting that he is 'lost', being SLIGHTLY more in the word... But everything else is just the same as when he is in a good cycle

I feel strongly that God has been telling me to leave, but because of my own lack of faith I don't know for certain

And I'm afraid to make a decision

The people at church who know keep saying 'God can change him' and because of this, I feel wrong to still want to at least separate from him

I feel that the church doesn't think emotional or verbal abuse is abuse
That unless he is physically hurting us, I'm obligated to stay and 'save' him

I'm tired
I'm tired of waiting to see if... when... The other side of E will reappear

[Ad Intra]

Hello dear,
I feel like your church members don't fully understand what you're going through. I'm not saying God doesn't change people, I just believe God gives us the chance and it's up to us to do it (wither it be leaving him, or him changing).
My dad is married to an abusive women. She has made his, mine, my step-sister and brother's lives terrible. All the time he said he wouldn't leave her because God hates divorce, but the reality is God hates abuse.

[eskielover]

The best thing to do is to get a separation....it's not considered a divorce & it gives you time to get out & for you to be able to allow him to make changes if it's possible.....Yes, God can convict hearts to change...but those hearts have to be open to the change.....& mental abuse is the same as physical abuse in the eyes of God.

People in the church always want to think the best case will happen.....& the best case can happen but you don't have to continue living in the same house waiting for it to happen. If you can separate & give him a reasonable time to prove to you & you give it a lot of time to verify the change is REAL......that way you have the best of both worlds.....you can always get divorced if you find that he really can't change within a reasonable amount of time.

I was in a bad marriage for 33 years (from even before the wedding). I saw the red flags but they were not abuse they were just attitude issues that weren't something that I was willing to tolerate. Had my computer engineering career that I hid out in for most of the time until the aerospace industry collapsed in California......then I felt trapped in the marriage for the next 13 years until my mother died, I sold her home (that I had grown up in) & God opened the door for me to leave...& move 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone.....but God surrounded me with the most wonderful caring people who have taken me in as family. I found a church family like I have never experienced before....I have a group of women who are also single that I go to another Bible study with & I have more wonderful friends who I do my horse riding with. If God hadn't meant for me to leave, I don't believe he would have surrounded my life with so many wonderful caring people......so I feel like living proof that God may not like divorce (I am have another appointment with my lawyer to hopefully get the divorce finalized soon). We had so many initial financial issues with the IRS, it was impossible initially to get a divorce but now that's over with, divorce is necessary so that he doesn't financially destroy me (which is it's own kind of abuse).

After leaving to start with, I thought there was mental abuse with totally passive aggressive behavior.....but within just the last few months, I have been doing research because I was curious about WHY his behavior was what it was & nothing described the issues 100%....until I researched Asperger's & it has explained 100% all the aggravations that I went through for so long & it described all his behavior that came across as abusive. I think that God provided this information because of the level of anger that had built up over those 33 years. I was actually seeing red by the time I left him & if he had been anywhere close to me when I found out what he had done with the IRS I would have exploded & he definitely would have gotten the fallout....it just felt like total abuse that I was being the recipient of but in reality, he was never capable of having a relationship or communicating with anyone including his wife & when it came to handling anything with finances he was incapable.....& his favorite belief was that if he didn't tell me then it wasn't a lie....but he was constantly lying to me throughout the marriage. I didn't realize at the time that my suicide attempts were not just because of loosing my career, but they were because I felt trapped in the marriage with no way out.....but God provided the way out......& I'm sure that God opens doors to get out of abusive marriages no matter what the abuse.....you just have to be willing to walk through that door & KNOW that it's ok. That door is between you & God, not the members of the church.

Yes it is God who will put the change on your H's heart, but he's the one that has to accept the change & work on it (free will)...if he wants to listen to God then he will change....otherwise, there is NO HOPE for his change.

Pray & God will provide your answer. It took 13 years for me to finally get out & I almost didn't live to get there but I think that was under God's control also even though it wasn't obvious at the time.

Also, the separation was the initial thing that showed me I didn't want to stay married because absence never made my heart grow fonder.....it just let me know that I had NEVER loved him, not just fallen out of love.

The good thing from the separation is that you can finally see the forest for the trees...in other words, you can look logically rather than emotionally at the relationship & you can better determine what you really NEED to do.

[dogzrule]

I have had a lot of trouble reconciling the church's stance on divorce and the reality of certain situations (not every church, but many churches). I agree that a separation is probably the best, at least to get out on your own and figure out what you want to do. It is hard to make a decision like this if you are being convinced to stay by others who don't fully understand your situation.

I know that there are some Biblical literalists who would say that the Bible forbids divorce, except in the case of adultery. I have to disagree. I think that if Jesus were here today, he would say that a person's safety and well-being is more important than following someone's interpretation of the Bible. My point is, I don't think you should feel guilty for considering divorce as an option, and you should not be ashamed or feel that you need to explain yourself to anyone. Your personal faith and relationship with God is just that - personal. If you feel strongly both by faith and reason that you should leave your current relationship, I think that is what you should do.

[nicoleflynn]

This is my (Reader's Digest verson ) of what happened to me 11 years ago; I still can't heal from it. It was a nightmare; the only mistake I made was naively....going to the pastor.

I was married to a physically (lesser extent) and verbally abusive
"man" for 31 years and naively went to speak with the pastor (of disaster) ….. I ended up educating him, although it was to no avail. I found the courage to get a divorce and then fought the spiritual abuse for 18 months to try and stop the pastor from "counseling" any more women, because two of the women were suicidal (because of his "counseling" skills).

In the end, my name was put up on a big screen in front of the
congregation (3 times and on my birthday, no less), followed by the
words, "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God." Called to a meeting (16
"men"), not allowed to have a woman with me, and asked "Are you still
having sex with your ex?!" The abuser was never called to a meeting.

I stood in front of the congregation (they did this to me on my
birthday, no less....11 years ago on September 29th) and said, 'Wow, I
didn't think this many people would show up to help me celebrate my birthday...They were grim as a heart attack; I was smiling. Their problem was that I allowed the x to live in my house after the divorce.

I was fortunate to have a therapist who was an expert in spiritual
abuse, journey with me for those 18 months...he taught me the most
valuable words I'd ever heard: "Restorative Justice" This is what
you did, this is how it made me feel. As usual in my life, something positive came out of the situation: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.
com, with over 22,000 hits.

Worse than a lifetime of abuse....is the spiritual abuse; I haven’t been able to heal from it.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I have also written (and presented) my paper at the State's Counseling Association (Societys Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault; if anyone would like a copy........did you know that with verbal abuse alone, that the brain can physically change/!

[nicoleflynn]

Oh sweetie: You cannot "save" him. Nobody can. The Verballly Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.......the Bible calls it reviling; that is what verbal abuse is.

You may feel "trapped" but you are not; I had a terrible struggle (31 years of verbal abuse)

Originally Posted by striped_unicorn

I feel like I'm trapped, like I'm an asshole for still thinking about/wanting to leave

My husband, E, has been talking with the pastor for a couple of weeks now

So far the only real change I've seen is him admitting that he is 'lost', being SLIGHTLY more in the word... But everything else is just the same as when he is in a good cycle

I feel strongly that God has been telling me to leave, but because of my own lack of faith I don't know for certain

Abuse will cause you to doubt yourself; it is the same as brainwashing.

And I'm afraid to make a decision...read the book I mentioned and then get counseling for YOURSELF; because of what happened to me I would never trust a pastor again (lets face it, they have an agenda, etc.)

The people at church who know keep saying 'God can change him' and because of this, The people at church, while well-meaning don't understand.

I feel wrong to still want to at least separate from him

I feel that the church doesn't think emotional or verbal abuse is abuse...Sadly most churches are ill equipped to deal with verbal abuse, and further abuse women in the situation.

That unless he is physically hurting us, I'm obligated to stay and 'save' him..NO ONE can 'save" him. He and only HE is responsible for his behavior

I'm tired
I'm tired of waiting to see if... when... The other side of E will reappear

If you put your life on hold waiting for if/when, etc......you will never have a life.

I understand the ambivalence and so much of what you are feeling. You must save....yourself.......get educated (the book) and get counseling for yourself to help figure out what you want to do. posted a long post at the end about what happened to me before my divorce....hugs