[SoSelfish?]

I left my spouse yesterday due to emotional and sexual abuse. When I told him some of the reasons, he told me I was delusional and tried to turn everything back on me. We have two small children. I feel so bad but know I need to stay strong. He says I am selfish for leaving, but has threatened to try to get me fired from my job, which would leave us all uninsured. None of it makes sense. Please help me keep strong.

[SoSelfish?]

Has anyone been through this? I read that people often return to their abuser 6-7 times, so it must be tough!

[pegasus]

Hello SoSelfish, welcome to Psych Central.

I know you are probably full of conflicting thoughts right now but if your husband was abusing you then you have done the right thing in getting out. Do not listen to the threats with regards to your job, just let them know at work that you are now separated. Do not even think of going back, be safe.

[Frankbtl]

Hi SoSelfish?, no you are absolutely NOT selfish!!
And massive kudos to you for getting out of there!!
Nothing is worth putting up with that for...........you know the emotional impact on yourself, you know that it/the situation was only likely to get worse, you know that your children would be/start picking up on it, you know the short and long term damage it could do to them by you staying/not leaving as you have, right?? So you have made absolutely the right decision!!
I've found some links which hopefully might be able to help you in the emotional and practical difficulties you may be having, if you could check them out:
SOM - Domestic Violence
DHS - Domestic Violence
YWCA West Central Michigan : Domestic Violence : Services
Sorry if some contact overlap.
But you're right, you need to stay strong, and we can be here to support you with that too.

Alison

[kaliope]

hi soselfish
you are doing the right thing. abusers can have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their actions and are really good at the mind games in turning it around to blame the victim. you are not being selfish in not accepting responsibility. you are being smart. it is not your fault. Pegasus gives you good advice about informing your employer that your coparent may try and cause trouble for you. if he does, you may want to look into a restraining order to protect yourself. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

[TheWell]

You left because it was bad. It was bad enough that you realized that things would be better for you and for your children if you left.
Stick with it, call a domestic support helpline if you need more support. Do not return to your abuser. Stay safe and live well for you and your children.

[Lexi232]

try not to let him have control, he's entered the extreme stage like the false judging and guilt tripping, and threatening. hes trying to regain what control he thought he had over you. he's giving it his all to reel you back in. stay strong, and try to give it your all (in getting away). You are entitled to live a happy life. you are entitled to your own thoughts, needs, wants, wishes, your own life. You are entitled the right to not live in fear, and to live for you and your children. He is not entitled to live your life, and he is not entitled to do what he is doing. he is not entitled to own you. You are entitled to live in a safe area, and you are not the one being selfish here (its him, who is being selfish).
a "selfish" person wouldnt be feeling bad right now. they wouldnt even think twice about what he said.. hes the one who is being selfish. ... the fact that you care, shows that youre not selfish.
You're the complete opposite of selfish.
he's loosing his grip on you, and that (along with the other abuse) is a tactic the abuser will use to try and regain the control that they had on a person. and these tactics are abuse too.
im sorry if i came off harsh, i feel for you, and i hate what hes doing and have done..

my mother is one who ends back up with my step father. she was able to finally explain "why" she does, a few months back. it's because she feels like she some how deserves that(like she did something that caused it all), and when she does get away, she feels "weird" when she has anyone treating her nice and with respect.
my step father has control over her to where she doesnt have any way out, and she has no money to get away, and she relies on him completely. even when we've tried to set up a support system for her, it would end up with either, him, his parents, or his friends being added into the support system. he also started "charming her" with lies that he would get help, or that he was getting help, or that he needed her...

He doesnt deserve to have you, and hes being selfish for that, and for not respecting your needs, and respecting you as a person.
You are so strong and so brave!

domestic violence hotlines (and others that help) can also keep you and your children safe. they can help file for an emergency protective order against him for you and your children.(sometimes called a "no contact order"). and after that, if he even comes near you, your children, or areas such as your work, places that you frequently are at, or tries to call or have anyone else communicate to you, about him/for him, then the cops will come and step in, and keep both you and your children safe. (and having a pocket recorder on you, ready to turn on at any minute, can also help. )

[SoSelfish?]

We have separated recently and gotten back together previous to this separation. It's crazy to me how he can function just fine without me, work, pay bills, take care of kids and house. It makes him attractive to me, but then we get back together and it's back to me doing everything for him or it not getting done.

[Altered Moment]

If you are being abused you should get out. No one should put up with abuse.

My sister has just gone through it. The divorce is final. She has her own place and a good job. They have shared custody and things are working out. He is still hurt and bitter and sometimes pulls some crap. I am still good friends with him and that doesn't bother my sister. It was verbal and emotional abuse and she just couldn't take it anymore. He is quite successful and good with the kids accept for some borderline physical discipline with the kids. That part is a current tough issue. I wouldn't call it abuse but some people would. But does she really want to tear the kids away from their father when overall he is a great dad.

She made the decision and the way she stayed strong was by joining a women's support group. It made a huge difference for her. Another friend of mine left her husband because of abuse and one time he got a chainsaw out and was threatening himself and everyone so she called the cops. Separated, got all the legal stuff going, her family really helped her get reestablished........now she is back with him. I dunno if they will still try to prosecute or not or if he is willing to go to therapy or not. He went to anger management but probably just because the court made him and may not have wanted to go. In court when it came to custody he was gonna spill his guts on her and her drinking and smoking pot and she got scared. I don't think that is why she went back though. Lots of women who are abused keep going back.

[doxiedust]

SoSelfish,
Thank you for sharing what you're going through. I'm in the same boat right now, and this is the 8th time I've tried to get out of the relationship. Last week he scared the crap out of me and kept me from having my phone and then grabbed me and kept me confined in one room. I had a panic attack and called the cops the next morning, and he was taken to the hospital and then to jail.
I too struggle with feeling guilty, and I have no desire to enter back into the hell of a relationship, but I know it's only easy now because of the no-contact order of protection. Once that is lifted, he'll try to weasel his way back in, and I know I doubt myself. Because I've tried to leave so many times and always ended up believing him when he said he would change or get help.
This is a tough road to walk for us. I try to just keep talking about it, so I can stay out of denial. I also continue to do research and educate myself on domestic abuse and battered woman syndrome. Intellectualizing it helps take the emotions out of it for me. At least for now. I'll have to see him in court soon, and I need to get stronger. Best wishes to you, and whatever helps you feel stronger and more level-headed, just keep doing that. Denial/minimizing/justifying/rationalizing can be a strong pull when we've been in these relationships for a long time. Oh, and I also try to tell myself that feeling guilty is exactly what he would want me to feel. That helps