realizing

i just realized that i do not know how to do the things here. the coloring pages, the fun stuff. i do not know how to allow self to ... have fun? i don't even know. it's so foreign to me. i see hugs. i see play. and i read posts. and they don't make sense to me. and i don't know how to do it.

we have found it hard too. we tried little things at first like going to some of the sites people posted and trying them out then it got easier. It feels odd at first. one of the first things caroline did for us was to get out some picture books and just read them. It felt odd at first she said but it helped us all.
alice, elsie and shula

(((((((((((wantto)))))))))))))

your children seem so hidden. it's hard work to reach them. it has to be completely safe, and the suggestions of coloring, sites, crafts etc, are good ones. it won't happen until they and you are ready though.

i think your world needs to be a little bit safer, sweetie. until then, the children have t's office...they're learning that too.

love,

kd

i waz scard at firs to but nyc ladi held my hand i lyk the hidng plaz rainbowzz mayd mabe yur nyc ladi can tak you ther

anabubls

sometimes it takes along time for us to come out and play. but we draw and color everyday, it makes us tired so we can nap.

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wanttoheal said:
i just realized that i do not know how to do the things here. the coloring pages, the fun stuff. i do not know how to allow self to ... have fun? i don't even know. it's so foreign to me. i see hugs. i see play. and i read posts. and they don't make sense to me. and i don't know how to do it.

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Kimmy answered that your children seem so hidden. We'd offer that perhaps your system MIGHT NOT have younger ones? It is a possibility that exists in DID.

Just remember that NOT ALL folks living with DID have littles, youngers, kiddies, etc.

If trying to "get in touch" with younger ideals is creating too much stress then maybe consider staying focused on the adult things that are comforting and help you to de-stress a bit.

If playing and having fun is what you're looking for then there are MANY ppl here in this forum with DID and DDNOS and others with other dxs.

In regards to silly things for scared younger "parts" or even folks w/o dissociation who just like how it feels to behave at a younger age....perhaps liberating for them?.........we're CERTAIN they'd be ecstatic to help you learn ways to be in touch with a more youthful side of life.

wishing you peace and safety............in whatever forms those take for you wanttoheal.

It's a good point that not all with DID have "littles". My impression was that wanttoheal wanted to get in touch with younger selves, but I appreciate that I may have been mistaken. I'm sorry you still feel uncomfortable with the younger ones posting here, zh. in my experience this forum is able to serve a variety of needs - that is its strength.

atg

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Caroline said: in my experience this forum is able to serve a variety of needs - that is its strength.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> nothing to feel sorry about Caroline! we're glad you're able to find professional support in order to continue healing as best you are able.

yes, the strength of this forum is the ability of those using it to be allowed to express themselves safely within the guidelines of this site.

as for unanimous leanings for all participants? SCARY! we'd be freaked if y'all goosestepped to the same drummer.

tc Caroline and all.

thank you all for your responses. i'm not trying to start a feud for sure. i appreciate so much every one of your responses. i want to respond individually to you all but i want to make sure my responses don't get taken the wrong way at the same time.

i guess it is more of a realization for me that i keep myself guarded at all times? kd is also correct in saying it may simply be the lack of safeness of my environment at this moment.

hmm, well, i typed several parts of sentences only to erase them again. i struggle with feeling safe in general i think.

i guess the facts are that my brain was compartmentalized from a very young age and because of this there are parts that might know what it is like to scribble on a page with a crayon. but me, as an adult, i am unable to buy the paper in the event that i might end up scribbling on a page with a crayon. does that make any sense? i don't even know. i need to think about this some more before i respond perhaps. i struggle with putting down what is in my brain about this at this time.

i appreciate all your responses as i figure this out. thank you so much.

wantto, we're listening, and understand. you're doing so great.

i know the leap this was for you to post. we hear you and care...all of us here do.

you keep letting the children be safe when they can and great things will happen.

kd

(((((((((((wanttoheal)))))))))))))

You alone knows your experience and it is not for anyone to suggest what is real or isn't real. I'm not suggesting that someone said differently, but I don't want you to feel bad for how you feel. DID is confusing enough. Try to be patient with yourself. And I agree with KD, they will present themselves when they feel safe enough.
Take care of yourself,
Anne

I'm familiar with the typing and erasing, and with struggling to feel safe, wanttoheal. Like KD said, it will all come in its own time. SOmething I have been learning. My T has me slowing down and I want to speed up, but healing takes its own time and for me going more slowly is proving very positive.
Yes, your comments about scribbling make sense. I guess what I did (and this is not to say it is right for anyone else) was to just do it, but to do something as non-threatening as possible. For me that was reading - I feel a bit the same as you about scribbling. When I looked at the picture books I could do it with my adult self, remembering reading to my daughters when they were little, and that fed into reading to my inside littles. Don't know if that makes any sense or is any use. But I hear you.

thank you so much for your suggestions. it does feel awkward to think about doing that. while there are times that books appear in places they wouldn't normally be, and evidence is found of "playing" type things, doing them myself with the intent of soothing parts of self, i don't know. it's hard to even think i do them while i'm in a dissociated state let alone doing it on purpose, if that makes sense. I will try to try that though. thanks so much.

yes, safety is also a foreign word at the moment here. people and events around me right now seem to be triggering a lot of undesired responses (undesired by me) in me. as you know, solving that problem seems impossible for the moment. but maybe in time i will find out what that word means and all of me will experience the results of it. im so glad t has a safe office for sure. t says that ptsd needs to calm down before we can do more work... re: DID. thanks so much kd.

im so glad you are enjoying the hiding place that rainbowz has made. im glad you have a place where you can feel safe to hide. thank you so much.

im so glad you are able to draw and color. i hope that one day i will be able to do so as well while i am aware and be able to enjoy it at the same time. thank you for sharing the hope that it can happen. thank you so much.

thank you so much for your response. i wish it were so and there was not even DID. while i have no knowledge of younger parts of me by myself, there is evidence not only of childlike things, but also verification from family members and t. I guess the evidence has always been there, i just didn't know that it wasn't normal. there are apparently some parts that do things from simply sitting in a closet, unable to speak... to lashing out. from giggling about a specific color they like to crying uncontrollably.

i guess my problem is my lack of knowledge in how to do things myself? you know, i don't actually know what i am realizing. maybe it has nothing to do with younger parts of myself. maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't know how to take time for myself, how to take care of myself in ways that not only do not make things more harmful, but actually make things better. I don't know what I am realizing. i just know i am unable to do these things. it might have something to do with younger parts though too. i am so confused.

i appreciate your views. i'm working on soothing the inner children in hopes that i can get to know them and to work together on pains as well as joys according to mine and t's goals.

thank you so much for listening. i know you do understand. you have been such a support to me these last couple years. i have been so blessed by you. thank you.

yes, that is so true. everyone is so different and their lives are so different. you are so right, DID is very confusing. i haven't actually read up on it, i have gone only on what t says because i didn't want to be influenced i guess is the word i am looking for. thank you so much for your support anne. i appreciate it so much.

thanks allthegirls, good to see you again.

i'm so glad things are going well for you caroline. i am so sorry for the struggles you had before.

what you say makes sense to me. i will try to do that, thank you so much. i appreciate your support.

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wanttoheal said:
yes, that is so true. everyone is so different and their lives are so different. you are so right, DID is very confusing. i haven't actually read up on it, i have gone only on what t says because i didn't want to be influenced i guess is the word i am looking for.

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very understandable to not want to be influenced by what you are reading.....however if there are things going on that aren't being adequately explained by your T then maybe asking T for recommendations on what he/she thinks is safe for you to read?

many folks have things that have helped them. some books are straightforward and concise, some are autobiographical nightmare stories, others are written in the self-help vein.......so finding a book or a few that are written in ways that are useful and non threatening to you could be helpful at this time.

we've read much over the years from many sources and indeed asked our T if what we had read influenced how things are now.......T's response? if you read up on bipolar and are not showing sx of that dx then why would reading up on DID be any different?

we agree. we're not reading up to create how we present ourselves. we're educating ourselves so that we don't face more ignorance from the public at large, our family and friends and even from within ourselves.

very relieved to read you are working with a T through all this. keep going wantto....you are worth the work to feel better........you are worth the work of learning better ways of self care..........you are all worth learning and growing into healthier ways of living and being.

kindly,