Not hating my abusers?

i dont know if anyone will understand. Is it normal not to feel anger towards your abusers? I have read a lot of threads saying many find it difficult to forgive their abusers. Am just different. When i was abused for the first time, i felt so sad and angry. I used to imagine cutting him into pieces. But i didnt want him to be in trouble. So i didnt report it. Didnt want to spoil his family. Now i have been abused many times by different men. I dont feel angry on them. All that anger is on me. I feel like i deserve it and am responsible. Dont know why. I dont want any of them to be in trouble. I dont hate them. I believe they have a reason. Never want to see them again. Still i dont want any bad to happen to them. I hate only myself. Hate like hell. I always imagine killing myself, not them. All those anger is on me. Is it okay to feel that way?? Am so confused.

I can't relate much to your situation. I have different issues. But I can sure say NO it's not normal and this has to stop in a way or another. I understand that victims of abuse usually feel guilty, angry at themselves. But I know that this is exactly what abuse does to the victim. They feel unworthy and deserve what happened for them. If you said, that you don't have any anger feelings towards them nor yourself, I would probably say that this may be considered as a good thing. But having all the negative feelings directed at yourself is simply wrong. You are not guilty. You are not responsible. You don't deserve what happened to you. You are a unique worthy human being. You don't deserve to be treated in that way. Please learn how to forgive and love yourself. If this is difficult, please seek help.
Stay Strong!

DX: Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Attacks & Anxiety
MX: Pristiq 50mg - Wellbutrin XL 150mg

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It is normal to feel anger at anyone who abuses you. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply.....are.

yes, it's normal. sometimes our abusers manipulated us into liking them or thinking they were good people.

Its too bad when someone misuse your trust. I cant bear seeing anyone in trouble because of me. It has always put me in trouble. Even after the abuse if they say sorry i would simply forgive them. Once after the abuse i said sorry thinking i ruined his normal like. Felt like it was me who provoked a totally good person. I trusted him. I turned him into a pervert. I dont know what i do to provoke every single men i meet. May be its just that i am a bad person. May be i was created to be used

I think this says it all. It is pretty normal for some of us not to hate our abusers, especially if they were someone who was supposed to love and care for us. When I first realized the abuse, I was mad at myself for not stoping it, but not mad at my abusers. They were people I loved and cared about. Even when it was someone I had no prior relationship with, I had difficulty feeling any anger towards them. I felt very much like you describe: hating myself and blaming myself.
Abuse can overtly or covertly instill in us that we are the reason a perfectly good and noble person has turned to doing bad things. I remember being told that simply by being born a girl, I would turn men into raging animals with no self-control. I would entice them simply by existing (strangely enough, I know many animals with more self-control that said humans...).
If you have a chance (and not yet doing it), I would suggest trying to talk to a therapist about it all. If nothing else, they may be a safe place to unburden yourself.
It wasn't your fault, no matter what the abusers said...

THANKS for your support. Am not into any sort of therapy. I have difficulty trusting others. One of my abuser was a counselor. He molested me after hearing my stories. Dont want to make another mistake. I dont think anyone truely cares. Also am still dependant on my parents for money. Cant go for therapy. I dont hope for a better future. I just want to get this pain out of my chest. All i could think about is dying. There is no one to listen & understand. Cant tell anyone

It's probably self-loathing, it's an aftereffect of abuse.

I dont know what it is. Am always like this..with all sorts of negative emotions. Cant help myself

are you taking medication? you sound as if you are very depressed.

Self-Loathing.

Am not on any medications. Never told anyone. Wearing a happy face infront of others.

am just tired of this.is there any way by which i can get this thing out of my head? Even the last person i trusted said he cant help anymore.What ever they say, i just cant change. No one cares anymore. Injuring myself is the only way by which i get some peace. Wish there is a single person i can talk to. Memories are killing me. Wish they all knew how it feels to be humiliated, even if its for a moment. My chest pains so badly

Hey kutt,
Sorry to hear that. I am sure things will be better soon. Be patient and strong. I highly suggest you seek pro help. I understand how bad your experience was with your therapist. But it is unfair to generalize. I am sure there are many who will be willing to listen and help. If you want somebody to listen and probably give some advice, you may check out a site called: 7 cups of tea.
They have trained active listeners who will be more than happy to support you. I think it's free. I haven't tried it myself yet. But heard it is good. Give it a try. Please take care of yourself. We care for you here. We all have issues and we can easily relate to each other situations. Stay strong and I wish I could help you more.

DX: Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Attacks & Anxiety
MX: Pristiq 50mg - Wellbutrin XL 150mg

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm a survivor of medical torture and besides giving me PTSD it's also literally cost me a limb. I'm afraid of my abusers, but I don't hate them. I'm not even angry. Just very, very scared.

Hugs for u

I feel same way...like I was there..alone...no body cared n this guy gave me time n attetion n abused me...it was Like I was left there with an open invitation...by my family. I have accepted d it n it has become part of childhood. Normal! I don't hate him nor blame him.

I dont hate mine either. T says i am brainwashed. But a big part of me has just already forgiven them,

I dont understand why they smiled at me every time after the abuse... How can anyone smile like that looking right into the eyes of a broken little girl..?? Wish they had hurt or yelled at me instead

(((kutt38)))

((((((( kutt38 )))))))

I am sorry to here about the atrosious things you therapist and other predators did. Personally, I wouldn't care if justice done to my obusers would harm them, because that would be of their doing. But it all also depends on circumstances. But, i think that even more important than justice is to be safe and do what's in your interests, hang in there, try to be well, choose good friends and so on . Sometime ago I remember reading couple of books that helped me to figure out why are people the way they are. The books are about main types of characters (arround 5). One of them always put interest of others before hes/hers and has some difficulty to stand up for himself. Also often people who are abused can add this type of character to their mix. These people may become an easy prey. There is also a type of character in one book called narcissist and another epileptoid. These type of people love power and often can become abusers (although sometimes they can apply themselves for common good an become a good policemen, for example ). And the worst type of situation is when they abuse the first type of person. And it's a quarter or fifth of the population who have this narcissistic character. There are a lot of good people but also there are a lot of bad people. This book helped me better see who's who, although it's hard to see narcissist cuz they are usually wearing masks and appear the most charming people. Here is one of these books. Psychoanalytic Diagnosis: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process by Nancy McWilliams

I hope you find some solution to stop hating yourself and start unconditionally loving. It's very hard, I'm still trying to do it.