Struggle with resenting men, years after assault.

I really hate the fact that, some 8 or 9 years after enduring several sexual assaults, that somehow I'm just realizing I have a super cliche, angry-psuedo-feminist resentment towards men.

I harbor an enormous amount of pessemism towards men's sexual intent, especially if they have very high sex drives and like kink. Things that go through my mind is crap like "They're always just thinking of getting their dicks wet, its like if they dont get laid every night you'd think they are enduring abuse, they're all dogs constantly making playthings of women, if a man doesn't get his sexual needs met there is always hell to pay and something has gotta give and that's always the woman!"

I end up perceiving them and their sexuality as shallow, even if they love me. It's also all the more complicated considering my lower, more easily distractible sex drive. It's further complicated cause sometimes sex really is just shallow, or simple.

I feel terrible about this endless tape recorder in my head, it's unnecessarily harsh, irrational, and completely driven by anxiety. But, it exists cause that really was my experience of men at some point....Making it even harder to stop that defensive spiral. Not like that thinking is really helping me avoid being used, or anticipating attack. (I just think it may help me make a character judgement down the line if for some reason I need to stitch the peices of someones personality together, assuming I was too dumb to see it coming before...just like with my rapes) It's even harder to not go there considering some terrible boyfriends I've had, and how some of that stuff could apply to them.

This is driving my S.O insane, who is madly in lovery wit me. Its driving me crazy, too, and I lovery him dearly as well.

That's also not to say some men don't struggle with being entitled. It just, still struggling with my past makes it very hard to distinguish between some occassional manifestations of male entitlement, and outright misogyny. My brain is constantly on the lookout for any possible sign of bad male behavior towards me.

I don't even know where to begin with solving this, it's all so tangled. I feel like such an asshole

This sort of thing is extremely hard. You form your first perceptions, and then the trauma issues prevent you from letting anyone get close, so you're unable to also go on to have good experiences with good men. So it's very understandable how you would form your perception and struggle with it.

This sort of thing happens with all sorts of groups, too.. all genders, races, age groups, socioeconomic status, etc. Whether it is sexism, racism, or something else, at its core is fear, and then anger manifests as a defense mechanism, since hatred feels more comfortable than being a vulnerable victim.

There is hope, though. These things can be worked through and processed with a good therapist who knows their stuff. It's very brave of you to take an honest look at your perceptions and admit to yourself that they are unhealthy.

There are good men out there, I promise. I have met several of them. They are men who instinctively like sex, but it is something that they share in a respectful, caring way with the woman they love, not something that they take just because they get a hard-on.

However if you have unresolved trauma, there is a significant chance that your mind might try to keep replaying old experiences and thus make you subconsciously drawn to the bad guys. So the sooner you start healing work, the sooner you can feel confident when sizing up the character of a romantic partner.

First off... Never blame yourself for something a trauma had left behind on you. Acknowledging this thought pattern is a great first step to recovery. If you do not already, I would look into an affordable therapist that specializes in these types of situations.

People are people regardless of gender; some tend to treat other awful because they have past baggage too and since your trauma happens to be hyper sensitive towards men, it might be worth linking up with a women's support group then eventually joining a mixed gender group after working on this struggle with a professional. Good Luck to you~

Hey EmilyStrange,

I am so sorry that you were raped.


There is a saying in my country that a man who's bitten by snake is scared of even a rope. You endured a something violent and your mind has not healed from the trauma. By becoming a super cliche, angry-psuedo-feminist with resentment towards men, you are only trying to protect yourself.

I hope you are seeing a therapist to deal with your pain. If not please do. It's not something that you can snap out of. And time doesn't heal things, doing something about a problem heals things. And it sometimes take a few tries to find one whom you are willing to work with. It's a lot like finding a friend, and you don't gel with each and every person you meet.

It's good that you've found someone and to have a solid relationship with him, you should may be tell him what you feel and why you feel that way. For strong relationship, it requires for people involved to be emotionally healthy, or for the other person to be patient to work with.

Take your time. Start/continue with therapy. Write about your thoughts and feelings - it's a great outlet. Do a little meditation, as it helps control your thoughts. Do exercise/yoga as it increases endorphins. Join some self-defense class, as it makes you feel very powerful and increases confidence in yourself. Get a little self help on PTSD and this book - The Body keeps score - by Bessel van der Kolk is very well rated.

All my love.

I feel the same way sometimes. I always feel like men have some hidden agenda and that I should take two steps back to feel safe. I only get as close as forming surface level friendships but even with friendships, I hardly trust them.

My dad used to hit me when I was a kid. He used to scare the h*ll out of me and my siblings when he would get angry. Sometimes he would get really angry and take it out on us. I remember one time he got mad because I wouldnt be quiet (i think) and picked me up, slammed me on the floor twice, dragged me through the house like a rag doll, and threw me in my room. Then he probably got in my face and screamed. I was terrified.

Then once when I was 5, I ran up and spit on him. I don't know why I did it, I just did. I was just being a weird a kid. But anyway, I ran and hid from him after I did it. He found me hiding behind my doll house, grabbed me, and spit in my face. I remember everything getting blurry from the saliva covering my eye's. Who spit's in a five year old's face?

Anyway, I think he's the reason why I don't trust men. I know that this isnt true but I sometimes wonder if they're even capable of loving me like a woman can... I just dont feel safe with them. It's really a bad way to view people but I can't help the way I feel.

You view men this way because of your past and I don't blame you one bit. You just need some therapy and hopefully your mind will change and you can heal from the trauma that has happened to you. Hugs!

Have you had any good men role models in your life? Even if you can find just one, focus on that person. There are so many good men out there, men that are smart, noble, trustworthy, kind, creative, admirable, big-hearted, appreciative, happy, innocent, etc. Countless men. This isn't necessarily a gender thing because I know more women in my life who are downright abusive. Matter of fact, I have more men in my life who are kind-hearted good souls. I guess I got unlucky when it comes to my female family members or friends or acquaintances. But still, like I said, this really isn't a gender specific thing. People are people, good and bad. They run the gamut.
It really depends if you have good men in your life or not. And if you do, don't lose them. Like your SO. Be good to him if he's good to you - because if you start taking out your anger on him, then you become the abusive one. Don't create that cycle. Don't let them do that to you. Rise above it. You have the power to not let those bad people around you anymore. They can't hurt you anymore. You deserve happiness. You deserve to move past this. You deserve to not have it impact your psyche anymore.