[trashking]

I'm not going to be perverted, this issue just really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. Some things that i like, i admit more than anyone are dark/sick/screwed up a little, most are just in the "kinky" spectrum, but some are just really not okay. i hate feeling disgusting for it, and it just seems to be a big cycle. I'm just constantly wondering, would i be this way if I hadn't been abused? I really feel so messed up sometimes and i really wish i wasn't but i still just like the stupid things i like and can't stop. It's becoming more and more of an issue as it adds to my already low self-esteem in terms of hating myself and feeling absolutely disgusting. I'm not very sexual either, i don't want to do things because the idea of sex makes me very anxious and scared and i just can't...

[IrisBloom]

Definitely.

[trashking]

Thank you very much! i had my suspicions that it could be the cause of some weird kinks but i wanted to be sure it could be. Said things are still sickening but now i know it's not all my fault I'm messed up i guess. Makes me feel a little bbetter,thanks

[wheredidthepartygo]

i figure if a kink/fetish makes you feel bad or gross than i personally think of it less as a kink and more of just a symptom of the abuse. i figure kinks and fetishes should be fun or at least good in all senses. not just physically or sexually feel good but mentally.
and none of mine do so

[trashking]

thank you, it's just so difficult because on one hand, it's a reaction. that kind of reaction but ifeel disgusting and shameful and i just wish i didn't have those reactions, you know? thanks for the help. i'm really glad because this made me feel less disgusting, if that makes sense.

Originally Posted by wheredidthepartygo

i figure if a kink/fetish makes you feel bad or gross than i personally think of it less as a kink and more of just a symptom of the abuse. i figure kinks and fetishes should be fun or at least good in all senses. not just physically or sexually feel good but mentally.
and none of mine do so

Not necessarily, a lot of theories suggest that all of our sexual desires are formed by early experience. Thus, it is a symptom in that any sexual desire is a symptom... And it still makes us feel gross for many, many, complex reasons. Some people also just struggle with liking it... Guilt and shame are the symptoms, but they would happen regardless of kink or no kink, in my opinion. The fetish is not the symptom--the shame is.

[CopperStar]

I think the telltale clue is in how you feel about a kink you have.

If you experience it as positive, fun, exciting - basically all things good - then it's probably just some natural kink you happen to have, and there is nothing wrong with kink so long as activity takes place safely and between consenting adults.

However, if your "kink" invokes feelings of shame, anxiety and otherwise negative feelings, then it's probably a case of subconsciously trying to conquer trauma, and is not genuine kink.

I've been active on FetLife in the past, never met up with anyone, but enjoyed browsing kink material and talking to other kinky people. My personal opinion is that there tend to be 3 main types of people in the kink community:

1. Respectful, safe, mature people who are genuinely just kinky.
2. Predators who think that "being kinky" will excuse their predatory behaviors.
3. Victims of abuse who are subconsciously trying to re-live and conquer past trauma(s).

Based on your feelings and past experiences, you likely fall into category 3. And this is not something to be ashamed of, it's very common for sexual abuse and/or assault survivors to cope by turning aspects of the abuse/assault into fantasy. It's a way that the mind might try to overcome the experience and turn it into something where you are in control and empowered. All that matters is processing and working through things until you find emotional and mental peace. If you still turn out to be kinky after that, cool, if not, cool. What matters again is your emotional and mental peace.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I think the telltale clue is in how you feel about a kink you have.

If you experience it as positive, fun, exciting - basically all things good - then it's probably just some natural kink you happen to have, and there is nothing wrong with kink so long as activity takes place safely and between consenting adults.

However, if your "kink" invokes feelings of shame, anxiety and otherwise negative feelings, then it's probably a case of subconsciously trying to conquer trauma, and is not genuine kink.

I've been active on FetLife in the past, never met up with anyone, but enjoyed browsing kink material and talking to other kinky people. My personal opinion is that there tend to be 3 main types of people in the kink community:

1. Respectful, safe, mature people who are genuinely just kinky.
2. Predators who think that "being kinky" will excuse their predatory behaviors.
3. Victims of abuse who are subconsciously trying to re-live and conquer past trauma(s).

Based on your feelings and past experiences, you likely fall into category 3. And this is not something to be ashamed of, it's very common for sexual abuse and/or assault survivors to cope by turning aspects of the abuse/assault into fantasy. It's a way that the mind might try to overcome the experience and turn it into something where you are in control and empowered. All that matters is processing and working through things until you find emotional and mental peace. If you still turn out to be kinky after that, cool, if not, cool. What matters again is your emotional and mental peace.

Where is this information coming from? Survivors of abuse feel shame around sex regardless of type of sex... and there isn't any scientific evidence for making the 3 groups you listed...

Sex is far more complex than that. It is possible to enjoy something, feel shame, and have it be a genuine kink... To suggest that we are just acting out trauma is just more crazy-making...

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by somat

Where is this information coming from? Survivors of abuse feel shame around sex regardless of type of sex... and there isn't any scientific evidence for making the 3 groups you listed...

Sex is far more complex than that. It is possible to enjoy something, feel shame, and have it be a genuine kink... To suggest that we are just acting out trauma is just more crazy-making...

My information is actually my opinion, like I said, based on my own experiences, as well as from what I have heard from talking to several other people who are into kink, have abuse history or both.

Like I said, in my opinion, not everyone into kink is acting out trauma. However, some people with trauma do try to act it out later in life, either consciously or subconsciously.

Again this is all my opinion based on articles and research I've read (popping various things into Google can get you that stuff if you're curious), my own experiences and experiences others have shared with me over the years.

It is also my personal opinion that if someone is carrying the feeling of shame, then they are acting something out that is unhealthy. It is not role playing and fantasy if the person exits a scene and feels ashamed on-going, and not just as part of a brief fantasy scene experience.

The OP is expressing ongoing feelings of "disgust" and like they are "messed up" which to me is a red flag of ailing emotional health that ties into their sexuality (given the context) and their history of abuse.

Also like I said, it is entirely possible that they could work through these issues and still turn out to be naturally kinky.

[Eska]

I think some fetishes are caused by or connected to abuse, but not always. Lots of kinky people were not abused. Some were.

My dad used to spank me bare butt and I'm pretty sure that has messed me up sexually. I feel less shame than I used to.

All sexual fantasies come from experience. Thus, they can come from positive and negative...

Survivors of abuse can suffer from shame regardless of type of sex. I worry that if we call a fetish a symptom we will only add to the shame... So whatever you are into, it is OKAY. If you judge it as not being okay, you are going to have issues... It is consensual. You are an adult. It is totally different...

[RedSun]

I agree that it's okay...

I also recognise that a lot of my own fetishes are an attempt to replay past abuse. This has been a shocking realisation for me. I feel that it's actually not healthy, for me, because I'm re-enacting that powerless state over and over...yes, it's consensual but the unconscious feelings will be of being scared and unprotected.

It's a difficult one. Some people will have the point that in re-enacting but having the control to give consent and choose to be in that situation, one is able to gain power over the abuse. And I think that can be true.
But for me, the fact that the need feels compulsive for me suggests that the power is still held over me. If that makes sense.

[introspectiveme]

I don't have a fetish or a kink for it, but I've spent years trying to understand why someone would do such a thing to me.