Looking for some advice as to what I should go/where should I go.

Hello all. I've been searching for a forum to ask other people who have been through abuse some of the similar things I have and I also had a side problem I hope someone can help me with but let's get down to the root of the problem.

I'm looking to move out in 2-3 months in with my boyfriend whom is across the country. Which is a large decision for me, aside from just moving out somewhere in state. Honestly, I'm just not sure it's the best decision - I've been going back and forth for a long time.

My parents are both abusive, although my father is, for the most part, just physically abusive. I always feel as if I complain too much since it's not a constant thing - it's not every week or even every month but when it happens, it lasts for a few hours every time and ends up with a few bruises and cuts.

At the same time though, I do feel like it's mostly my fault. In general, I tend to get on peoples nerves or bother them because I don't understand some things very well (I had very little outside social interaction growing up, outside from the internet). I feel like I'm overreacting and it wouldn't happen if I had done what my parents wanted (which, in this case, was various things like speaking louder, reading some books, etc).

But, at the same time as that, I feel like treating people that way is unacceptable. Buuuuut, at the same time as that, I don't think I give people any other choice. You see the back and forth.

So, I don't know if I should leave. And moreover, I'm not very well versed with... well, "outside" things. People, jobs, etc - I can count the number of people I've been friends with IRL, and I've never had a job. It would be very hard for me. And another problem I have is that I don't take people seriously unless they get very, very angry with me. It's led to people thinking I enjoy it or like it and I don't - I just don't respond to anything else because I'm not used to anything else to respond to, if that makes sense. Idk.

I know this is a big jumble, but I hope someone can give me some insight on what I should do.

Also, I'm 19, almost 20 in July.

I see a lot of similarities between you and I. I'm going to tell you about what I've been through, and I hope it gives you some insight on what to do. Just remember you need to do what's best for you, and that I'm here to advise you since you're having trouble making a decision.

My dad has been abusive to me, almost for my entire life. He's only gotten physical once, so the majority of his abuse has been psychological. He calls me names, and makes threats...that sort of thing. Just as bad as physical abuse. Any kind of abuse though, it's unacceptable no matter what the situation or no matter how the victim acts. If you were misbehaving, your parents should deal with it in a healthier way, instead of resorting to violence or saying mean things.

But you are a legal adult now, so you have the right to make your own decisions and do what you want. I do feel that if you are living with your parents, you should respect them, but obviously living with them is toxic no matter what you do.

Anyways, I was in your position about 4 months ago. My boyfriend lives in Sweden, and he was the first person I ever told about my dad's abuse. My parents are divorced, and I would visit my mom 3 times a week. My mom and I get along but she neglected me as a kid, so that's still a problem.

Anyways, my boyfriend and I made a plan to get me out of there; my dad's house. My boyfriend was visiting for Christmas, so I would leave with him back to Sweden after New Year's. My mom knew about him and kept him a secret like I asked her to. Her and dad never speak so it would be okay.

The whole time when I was back at my dad's I was so worried about whether I was making the right decision or not. Did I bring this on myself? Is it my fault that my dad calls me names and threatens me? He did, after all, support me financially and I know he truly loves me, because he was with me all throughout my childhood raising me. The abuse didn't start until I was about 14, which is the point in my life when I wanted to make my own decisions. And the abuse got to it's worst point last year, between the ages of 19 and 20. I will be 21 in June.

After planning the escape with my boyfriend, I instantly felt guilt. Until the day my dad grabbed me and threw me around the living room. That's when I knew I had to get out, for my safety.

I'm not the nicest person either to my parents, and sometimes that makes me feel like I deserved all of it. But the thing is...No one deserves to be abused. Whether it's with violence or with words or both, no one deserves it.

So I left with my boyfriend in January. I feel so much safer being out of that environment, and I felt like I could finally live the life I always dreamed of. Being with my boyfriend and living in Europe has always been a dream of mine.

There's still a struggle though if you've been dealing with abuse for a long time. I started going to therapy since I have depression and PTSD because of what I've been through. It's helped, and my therapist has taught me a lot. The most important thing therapy has taught me so far is that victims of abuse are not alone. There are so many others out there who have been through the same things. And if there's anything I've learned from hiding the abuse for most of my life, it's even worse thinking that you're battling it alone.

About your job issue, what are your interests? Have you gone to college? I'm actually in the same boat as you, I've never had a job either. I play guitar and sing, and I can easily make money by going out and opening my guitar case and play a few tunes.

I'm still having some complications on my end, I have to go back to the US and there's a chance I'll end up homeless, but that's irrelevant to what we're discussing right now. I came here to live, to be free...but the government told me that being abused and trying to escape isn't a good enough reason to extend my stay to be able to get a work permit or apply for citizenship.

Anyways, what I think you should do is stay with your boyfriend. I know the change might be hard at first, but if you really want to get out of that abusive situation, I think it will be worth it. No one deserves to live in such a toxic environment, and any opportunity to get out of there is worth a shot.

Keep us updated! I hope what I have told you has helped.

Hello dear. Let me tell you what I see and ask some questions.

First, do you have some sort of diagnosed disability that has caused you to be reclusive, not able to get out and meet people IRL? That kind of diagnosis will affect how good people's advice can be. If you have been diagnosed with something that keeps you back in that manner, then some of my advice may just not be relevant. OR, did you not get out and socialize much because your parents wouldn't let you, or because you were too afraid to let people into your life due to shame and fear of your parents?

When I was growing up, we didn't have all the computers and such, but I didn't invited friends over to my house because my SM was so mean, because I knew that something ugly could happen with a friend there and I would be ashamed. So I understand growing up without a lot of friends.

What I see you doing in your post is minimizing your abuse. I see it, because I tend to do the same and my therapist calls me out on it! The frequency of it has nothing to do with the severity of it. Also, the fact that you are accepting blame for it is typical of an abused child. This is wrong, even if you have some issues in being able to understand people, you do not deserve to be abused over it. And I will promise you, people do not only abuse physically, if you are being physically abused, you are being emotionally/mentally abused too.

The boyfriend??? Have you met him in person or is this a relationship built online? What exactly are the doubts you are having? If the doubts are about him personally, I suggest waiting until you know for sure. You don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. Though I know how tempting it is just to get out of the frying pan, I did it.

If the doubts are about the new location, distance, etc., well, new things can be scary, especially coming from your (our) abusive background. Have courage, Be strong, be adventurous!

Thank you for your story and your kind words. I appreciate them a lot.

I don't have a lot of interests, admittedly. In truth, I'm a bit depressed so it's hard for me to keep my eyes set on things but as of late (why I haven't checked in on this thread) I've been trying to set up a routine for myself. I can do a little programming, some HTML, graphic design, writing, some online advertising... I've floated around from a lot of different things so I'm not the 'best' at anything - just somewhat knowledgeable. I'm thinking of trying to pursue them, or something.

I haven't gone to college - that is another reason why I'm not too keen on staying here as opposed to leaving. I can only go if I get a grant and a fee waiver, but I legally couldn't, but my mom is attempting to lie about it and I'm really uncomfortable with that considering I'd be the one taking the consequences for it.

I'm mostly scared of the day I leave, honestly. That's what's keeping me from just saying 'ok, i'll do it.'

I really hope things go well for you - and I'm sorry you can't stay in Sweden.

I do not - it's just that I wasn't allowed to socialize with other people when I was younger. I wasn't ever ashamed, oddly enough - I thought it was normal. Until I realized it wasn't. Then, I just didn't care if people knew or not but I didn't interact with enough people for that to be a concern/option.

Admittedly, the relationship with my boyfriend is built online and that comes with a lot of risks. My reasoning is - it is guaranteed if I stay here I'll be miserable while it's a chance that I may not be elsewhere. I'm not doubtful, really. I do trust this person and all of that, it's just some kind of emotional block. I'm scared of the day I leave, and scared that I'll just become a worse person if I leave. It sounds kind of weird and abstract now that I type it out.

Thank you. I honestly have trouble not minimizing it or defending it... I even argued with my boyfriend about it and he was, predictably, frustrated that I legitimately turned it into an argument

I'm just really not well versed with anything outside of my environment since I wasn't really allowed outside of it. And, strangely enough, my parents tend to yell at me for that, as if it's my fault. I really feel like they thought I was supposed to "parent" myself - they don't really seem to take any responsibility, just constantly blaming me or the other parent. I'm rambling though!

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply.

I don't see your meeting your boyfriend online as a negative. I dated online years back also and it can be a great way to start getting to know someone!

Ok, so I understand what you are saying now, and I totally get it. My parents didn't allow me to make my own decisions for a very long time, even as simple as picking out my own clothes. So now, because I didn't learn how, I have trouble making decisions. Social skills, like decision making, is something that we learn as children, by trial and error! The fact that your parents kept you from doing it, stunted that skill in you and now this is where you are at. Keep in mind, you CAN learn it now! But the only way you are going to learn those social skills is by getting out there.

Also, moving to a new place is very scary. The fear of the unknown is completely normal, and it is amplified in you because of your lack of solid social skills.

You are well spoken, you are gracious, I am sure you have a lot of great attributes, I don't see any reason at all that you wont do well out there in the world! Good luck!