[silentlyscreaming]

This is a very difficult thing for me to post, but I really need some suggestions and support.

I was raped on my 21st Birthday. My 25th is this Sunday.

I have always hurt myself ( quite badly) when my birthday comes around, and I'm really scared that I will hurt myself again this year.

I don't have any real support here, and no friends (except for some amazing people i've met on this site)

I've tried talking to my T about how Im feeling but she was really dismissive.

I want to stop my birthday from being a day where I relive what happened over and over and turn it into what it should be, a celebration of life, another year I've survived. I just don't know how to do it.

Any suggestions would be fantastic. Thanx.

[dorsey555]

Hi silentlyscreaming,
I went back into therapy today for my incest and childhood sexual abuse issues, just to let you know that i can relate. but about the anniversary coming up..i have a similar situation in that i have a painful anniversary coming up on friday, my son's anniversary of his death. He took his life 14 years ago july 27th. it's gets really painful and my life gets crazy days, sometimes weeks before. this friday, i asked my grandson, his friend, and my nephew to come over to my place. i'm going to make hot wings and we'll watch a movie together. this is the first time in 14 years that i ever asked anyone to be with me. i usually suffered alone. i feel so loved and supported. it won't take the pain away, but it'll make it easier to bear. is there anyone that you feel safe enough with to ask to just be with you? doing something simple, that doesn't take too much energy. maybe a movie, some pizza at home. so that you are not alone, and that you are with someone who loves you and will just be there for you. don't suffer alone the way that i did so many years. you deserve to be supported and cared for.
God bless,
dorsey

[gostryter]

hi sweetheart!! i'm so happy to this!!!

i'm just back at my computer and will read you messages!!

((((((((hugs))))))))

[frogysgirl]

I've been raped 3 times - I almost didn't walk away from the last one. My "worst" anniversary is in Sept. I try to be extra nice to myself that day - even if it's just pigging out on my favorite junk food! WE"RE SURVIVORS! It isn't easy, but try to remember that you're not alone.

[silentlyscreaming]

I think I've come up with a way to beat this, and to get my life back.

I'm seriously considering reporting it. I know that there is no evidence and that its my word against his. I know it will be dragged through the court system and he could possibly get away with it.

But I also know that by doing it, I'm going to plant that seed of doubt into the minds of all the people close to him. His family, his girlfriend, his child.....and I see that as a worse punishment then any jail time could ever give.

It might even encourage other women to come forward.

Its time I stopped letting him f@#k with my life, and I mess up his.
I haven't decided yet, still just a thought.

[tranquility]

Hi,

Reporting it is one way to fight back. My anniversary date that bothers me is April 12th - the day my grandfather died. The first few years after my memory came back it was really tough. Then the next few years I knew why I was feeling the way I was feeling so I was able to discuss with T and get through, while feeling pretty badly for a couple of weeks.

Now I will all of a sudden notice I'm having a particularly blue day and I'll look at the calendar and say Oh! Now I know why and just move on and the mood passes much quicker.

I guess what helped me was to recognize it, realize it was the past it is not the present, that I perservered and grew stronger because of it, and that I don't need to feel those awful feelings anymore.

Good luck and I'll send some positive thoughts your way

Tranquility

[DePressMe]

My abuse was an on going event, but what gets to me the most is Christmas. I think that is when the abuse was the worse. I have decided to let myself do whatever I want over Christmas—not celebrate it really. I often go to Bermuda or Jamaica or Mexico. I get out and get away. Of course, some years it has been impossible to do that because of lack of funds. Luckily, I have a friend in Bermuda so going there is almost free.

But, when I can’t get away, I am forced to think about it a little more. I give myself permission to do whatever I need to do to take care of myself. I come before any of the family obligations. I do everything possible to keep the stress down. Sometimes, believe it or not, I actually go to work—it helps keep my mind occupied with other things.

I don’t consider this running away from my problems—I consider it taking care of myself. Sometimes, I do feel okay and I am able to celebrate a fairly normal Christmas, but sometimes I need to just focus on myself.

By focusing on myself I do not mean reliving the experience—I mean the opposite—concentrating on the positives in life. Anything that is more positive than the abuse—even work is better than the abuse.

Therapy and time have helped heal the wounds. It is possible to get better—matter fact, it is important to know that you can get better.

PM me if you ever want to talk

[silentlyscreaming]

Thanks everyone for your kind and caring words.

((((((((((Dorsey))))))))))
((((((((((gostryter))))))))))
((((((((((frogysgirl))))))))))
((((((((((tranquility))))))))))
((((((((((DePressMe))))))))))

Tomorrow is the big day, and I'm scared, confused, angry, sad, and feeling just about every other bad emotion there is.

This past week has been torture. I'm jumping at shadows and I've totally isolated myself from the outside world and everyone in it.

As for reporting it......who am I kidding......I don't have the balls.....

I need someone to save me from myself.

[DePressMe]

Isolating is difficult because on one hand it is hard to get support and yet on the other hand it can be a time of healing. Stay in touch here at PC and slowly rejoin others as you feel better. Don’t beat yourself up for isolating—sometimes it can be a very healthy thing to do…but, like everything else moderation is the key. Sometimes when I isolate I have to force myself to do one positive thing for myself. It may be a long hot shower or making myself dinner or whatever. I try not to let myself get too negative—focus on some of the positive. I know, the positive is almost impossible to think about when you are in such a state. For me, the only way to change how I viewed my anniversary (Christmas) was to actively do something different. I hope you are doing okay. I’ll try to keep a look out for your posts.

[frogysgirl]

Just to let you know I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. Be extra kind to yourself. I'll check for your posts when I get the chance. Happy Birthday!

[bellaviolet]

((((((((((((((((silentlyscreaming)))))))))))))))))))

because i've lost so many family members, i have a number of tough anniversarys, one is nov 16th (my mother's death; i feel bad for my sister cause her bday is nov 17th), another just passed, july 10th, my brother's death (and tomorrow, the 29th, would be his bday too), and today is 18 years since my aunt dot's death. on these days i try to remember good times with them, and to remind myself how lucky i was to have them instead of feeling cheated for having lost them too soon. i hope someday your bday will be able to be a good day for you, i'm so sorry it has to be such a hard day with such bad memories. try to tell yourself that your bday is YOURS, not the rapist's....... try to take it back from him, you deserve it. all of us here are your friends and will be sending you bday wishes and positive vibes. please dont hurt yourself, you are worth so much more than that! much love.......

p.s. tranquility, april 12th is also the anniversary of my dad's death........ its a confusing day for me because i have such conflicted feelings toward him...... i loved him very much but he didnt protect me from my abuser and it did a real number on my self worth.......

[silentlyscreaming]

OK so the day I've been dreading is here
I'm feeling terrible. SI is rampant. I'm not strong enough for this now, not today.
Not sleeping, not eating....living on coffee and cigarrettes.
The voices and hallucinations have returned with a vengeance.
Everytime I close my eyes, the rape plays itself out on the inside of my eyelids.
Not coping at all................

[gostryter]

((((((((((((((((((((silentlyscreaming))))))))))))))))))))

just a wee bit longer...

[tranquility]

Reach out to someone today if you can. Try not to sit alone as that always makes it worse. We are all here - you do not need to SI - the pain from the past does NOT have to repeat.

Big hugs to you - Tranq