Working Through Some Issues

This type of post is cathartic for me. I'm remembering the worst things I have suffered and how it is that I survived.

I was sexually molested by a stranger when I was about 8 or 9 (I don't know the exact date, I know I was less than 10). I didn't tell my parents at the time, and I sometimes regret that. I first told a counselor around 1990, recovered memories were all the rage then, and she tried to convince me that what I experienced was merely the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes it can be hard for me to determine what is fantasy and what is reality, concerning the period of time surrounding the original abuse. I'm sometimes disappointed that something that could have been a relief (telling someone about the abuse and getting some help) turned out to be very confusing for me, and that time that could have been one of encouragement and support, instead turned into my questioning what was real, and what was fantasy, or what there could be that I had forgotten- it was a lot for a 23 year old to handle.

It's still difficult to know what to think about the period of time that I told this counselor. It was a tough time for me. I was struggling in many areas. I didn't have much money, I thought I wanted to keep attending college, but I wasn't liking the classes as much as I thought I would. I was struggling with forming healthy friendships.

About 5 years later, my brother in a fit of anger told me basically that it was my fault that I was abused, and that had our situations been reversed, he would have fought off the abuser and wouldn't have been abused, because he was a "tough little kid". That really bothered me. My brother was going through a difficult time himself, and I don't think he really meant what he said, but it got to me.

I think the best way to describe the above is just to say that it was a learning experience. I think I see where I could have reacted a little differently, and made things easier on myself. The judgments I made about those situations definitely made things harder for me, as well. I'm gaining insight into how to judge troubling situations, and even when to withhold judgments when necessary. Even wishing that I lived in a world where therapists are always helpful, where brothers never blame people for being abused, and wishing I always had an easy, enjoyable life, and never felt confused... those thoughts were not helpful. I am living in a world with imperfect people, and I do sometimes feel emotional and confused. That is the nature of this reality. But, I do have confidence that I can learn to judge correctly, and that I can eventually come to terms with whatever might happen.

I think one of the most difficult things about the experience you have described is that you never forgot how it made you feel. The problem with being a child victim is that children simply do not know that a person can seem to be nice, yet not be nice and that affected your ability to trust adults or people that come across as nice, maybe they are not. And having your brother encourage you to "self blame" was yet another "hurt" you didn't deserve to experience. An experience like that can affect someone in a lot of different ways, one of the ways is ability to "trust in self" or trying to build self trust and yet being extra guarded for anything that might threaten that.

shakesphere, I had a conversation recently with a guy that is part of a family owned business where I get my feed and hay for my horses/ponies. He ususally wears a baseball cap, but this one day he wasn't and I noticed he had big scars on his forehead. So, I asked him what happened to him. He told me that when he was younger he flipped his car and that resulted in him experiencing a major head trauma. He was in a coma for a few months and they did not think he would ever wake up.

I asked him if he could hear what was going on around him when he was in a coma, he said no, but instead he thought he was just living his life, going to school just living his life day by day. He did not know he was in the hospital, in a coma. So, it must be that because he sustained the injury to the front part of his head/brain, that his executive functioning part of his brain was compromised the most. That part of our brain is in the "now" and making our day to day decisions and a lot of who we are and how we operate is based on a schedule we keep in the subconscious mind. There are a lot of things we know how to do, and just do that become automatic. Our frontal lobe, executive part of our brain isn't always engaged like we think it is, instead it just kind of keeps busy with paying attention to anything new, sights, sounds, when someone talks to us, paying attention to the now.

When something happens to us that is traumatic, especially when we are so young, whatever that experience is, how it made us feel, how we are helped with it or not, becomes a part of us that we do our best to live around. However, if something happens that makes us feel unsafe or threatened, we are designed to remember that because a part of how we survive is avoiding "dangers and threats".

When you talk about how you finally needed help at age 23, if you were only 8 or 9 when you experienced that trauma, that is a lot of years living with that unresolved trauma day in and day out. When we don't have "help" to understand an experience growing up, we develop our own ways of "self protecting" privately. If something happened that really affected us emotionally, something we might develop shame over, or some kind of self blame, the more time that passes, the more we try to find ways to push it away so we can continue on with our lives.

Unfortunately, when you did try to talk about it, your brother encouraged you to feel bad, and that only added to your challenged emotions that you already had. Something like that affects how someone develops gradual "self esteem" and within that is our personal narcissism which is something we try to develop that is healthy and strong.

When you talk about reaching out for therapy/therapists and that they did not help you the way you needed, part of that is that not all therapists are very good at what they do, and the other part is that a therapist also is perceived as an "authority" type figure and in your case, you struggle to "trust" with authority type figures.

When you talk about questioning how much of what you experienced really happened and how much did not really happen, "what is real, what is fantasy", that is not unusual because of how old you were when that trauma took place. It's ok if you don't remember every single detail, because you don't have to, and you have lived a lot of years since then and during those years made an effort to try to forget and focus on the "now".

Any time someone else is able to listen to something that happened and gets to stand in a position of "monday morning quarter back", unfortunately that individual is looking at a situation with a lot more knowledge then if that individual experienced it first hand when there is not any way of knowing what an experience means. Your brother was also not mature enough to have the capacity to actually "empathize" and "comfort" and "validate". Also, if I remember correctly, your brother is also younger than you are, so in that alone he would most likely believe that because you are older you should have known more than you did. Unfortunately, with children and even teens, there seems to be an assumption that the older one is the more they should know. That is simply not the truth, while more knowledge is gained, there are so many things that are still simply not known. It is important to understand that children tend to be very narcissistic and the world revolves around them and their understanding of "empathy" and actually having the capacity to put themselves in another persons world has not developed yet.

Also, it is not unusual "sadly" for a child to be afraid to tell a parent when something like what you described takes place. Unfortunately, a lot of parents don't take the time to develop a relationship with their child where the child feels comfortable going to a parent for "help". Often the parent represents more of an authority presence and can be too judgemental and critical.

Because I struggled with some major challenges in my own childhood, I was afraid to ask for help. So, the one thing I have done in my life and make it a point to be a parent that not only my child, but other children feel "safe" to talk to and ask for "help". And because I did that with my own child, I ended up with a child that when her friends were seeing "abuse and neglect" taking place told her friends, "we can tell MY mom, she will hear us and do something". So, I sat in my car with my daughter and her friends telling me how they were upset about how a horse trainer was neglecting his little children badly. These children were afraid to tell their own parents about it, how sad is that? Also, the children were afraid of this trainer too. So, it isn't unusual for children to be afraid to "tell" and talk to their parents.

What happened to you was "wrong" and you did not get the right help for it. It's important that you understand that it was not your fault, and that unfortunately, children experience things they are afraid to talk about with their parents and unfortunately parents can get so "self involved" that they forget to make sure they develop a relationship with their children where their children are not afraid to come to them with the kind of challenge you experienced.

In all the years I have been not only a parent but taught many children how to ride, I always made myself "approachable" and have listened to children talk about things they would feel uncomforable talking about with their own parents. I lost count in how many times my daughter's friends said "I wish I could talk to my mom like you can talk to yours". So, please don't feel you are alone when you struggle with your own challenge in that area, because unfortunately you are not. Also, that is one of the things a predator looks for, a child that is not close to a parent and is more suseptable to befriending when it comes to an adult being "nice" to them. That is part of the picture you most likely never even thought of, no child thinks of that, never the child's fault.

The reaction you did have was something that kept you from becoming more of a victim too. You should give yourself some credit for that. What you did sent a message you had not even realized either, the way you reacted "stopped" that predator because in that moment your reaction proved that you would not be able to be groomed into what he had in mind. So, for a little boy of only 9 or 10, you were actually stronger than you realized, and realize now. You were not really a candidate that was willing to want an adult's attention so much that you could be led.

I kinda think that at in any given situation we act the best way we can with the knowledge, understanding and abilities that we have at the time. It is incredibly unfortunate that your disclosure was muddied with the repressed memory thing that was going on at the time. It sounds like it affected things for you in a very negative way.
It seems like you have a better understanding of things now. That's a good thing. If only we could go back to our past selves and let them know what they have yet to learn!!

That comes very close to describing my current situation. I'm pretty young and just opened up to a counselor last year. I'm pretty confused about everything and there's this huge chunk of what happened that I just can't remember. It's very frustrating at this point so I just kind of let the thoughts and flashbacks come and go as they please. No matter how traumatizing they are, I have to just let them happen and stop fighting them. I figure they are on repeat in order for me to process and decide for myself what happened. It sucks but I don't have a better method currently.

I wish I was living in a universe in which parents felt bad and took responsibility for the trauma that took place when a young child was allowed to spend the night with a virtual stranger.

I recently came across what is known as the Stockdale Paradox. He was a prisoner of war in Vietnam and noticed it was optimists who had the worst time. Those who were realistic about situation fared better.

This is good, this is "grieving" what you feel you lost not only with this trauma, but that your parents did not protect you well enough.

It's unfortunate, but countless parents do leave their children in the care of strangers and over the years I have heard of countless things that happened to children with these strangers. Even here in this forum have been so many accounts discussed of different individuals who were victims when they were children. And I found out from my older brother that he was molested/sexually abused by a babysitter when he was very young and he never told anyone, he was very young only 4 or 5.

It's unfortunate but predators do put themselves in all kinds of situations where they can find victims and they come across as "nice/good/safe/caring" people. Think about it, teachers, priests, babysitters, daycare, doctors, boy scout counselors, family friends, even relatives to name a few situations where predators set up that are so nice to the children and seem harmless and trustworthy.

When my daughter was little I did not trust strangers to watch her, no babysitters and had playdates with friends at my home, and when she was old enough I made it a point to sit down with her and tell her not to allow "anyone" to touch her, or have her touch them, even other children. I made it a point to make sure my daughter felt I was very approachable to ask or tell me anything that bothered her.

It's unfortunate, but more than ever before parents are leaving their children to be cared for by strangers. There is always a risk and as you know it only takes "once" for a child to be traumatized and it can have an affect on them for the rest of their lives.

When I was only three, I was swinging on a swing at the neighbors when two little boys pulled me off the swing and into a small shed and took off my clothes. I was terrified and I don't remember "how" I got away from them. I did tell my mother and she did get mad and went over to the neighbors house and yelled at them. However, I was left with experiencing that "trauma".

That became a part of how I made sure my own daughter was protected. And when my daughter was growing up I made sure I read about raising children and at that time there was more awareness about child predators and there was a new effort towards taking the time to educate children at very young ages to not be afraid to name ALL the body parts and to also make sure children were more empowered with "knowledge" and I did that with my daughter.

My daughter was definitely "empowered", and she ended up coming to me because one of her friends was beginning to experience a brother and his friend trying to molest her, and she told my daughter about it. My daughter came and told me (see, I was approachable) and I made it a point to take this little girl's mother aside and tell her what was going on that the mother had no idea was happening.

My daughter is now 32, and in all the years I experienced raising her, I have lost count how many of her friends over the years did not feel comfortable going to their parents with challenges. My daughter knew more than any of her friends and because of that "she" was the one they tended to go to for help and advice. My daughter would say, "we can tell my mother because my mom will do something, my mom knows just what to do". And one day I found myself sitting in my car with my daughter and her friends telling me about the abuse and neglect they were seeing a horse trainer's children experiencing. These children were AFRAID to tell their own parents. My daughter told them, "we can tell my mom, my mom will listen". It was so hard to listen to these children shakesphere, so deeply disturbed about what they were seeing. So sad that they were AFRAID to tell their own parents.

Parents seem to think that parenting is all about "ordering and controlling and diciplining" their children. That is NOT what good parenting is all about. We are supposed to help our children understand the world and help them develop skills and knowledge about the world, that there ARE bad people and what to do if they come across bad situations. And our children most definitely need to feel they can come to us and talk about ANYTHING that they don't understand or upsets them.

A father's role in the family is VERY important. Children are not supposed to grow up afraid of their father, and it's also important "how" the father treats the mother in front of the children too.

Unfortunately, for many years the father role was "king of the castle" and often the "diciplinarian" too. Children were often encouraged to "fear dad", and that has proven to be "unhealthy" on a lot of different levels.

Another issue I'm working through is this:

I'm not sure if I'm someone who was molested by a stranger, and remembers everything (or remembers everything worth remembering about the incident, because what was forgotten was inconsequential)

or if I'm someone who remembers just the tip of the iceberg, and the reason I don't remember much about the next morning, is because something even worse happened, something I just don't want to remember.

It's even more complicated in that my memories of the first counselor I saw are clouded... and I do remember that she kept pestering me and suggesting that there was more (not just about that specific incident, but in general), in a way that even now I think is inappropriate, and that may have had more to do with her belief in repressed memories, than it did anything about me and my experiences. And I don't know if I had that reaction because I don't want to remember, or if I had that reaction because I don't appreciate the fact that people sometimes "help" others "recover" memories that were never there in the first place.

Sometimes a child will repress. I don't think that happened with you though shakesphere.

I think that your being so vulnerable was what traumatized you the most and something you have been looking for ways to prevent experiencing your entire life. You were encouaged to think you could trust and that led to your being vulnerable. I think that is something that affected you the most in your life that you have been trying to "fix" or prevent from experiencing again.

Speaking to you about your brother's faulty reaction, I have a sister who is nice to me generally, but if I ever mention my own abuse, she becomes wildly cruel, blaming me as " the only one who can't rise above victim status." She is very detached and mean spirited when she says such things. It helped me to learn that this is called "secondary trauma." The first trauma is what happened to you when you were a little kid, the second is the misguided, ineffective, and damaging things which the bystanders say and do. Unfortunately, it is part of the healing work, this secondary trauma. I too wish we lived in a world where siblings and others understand and bring comfort and healing if the first instance. Sometimes people don't understand the nature of trauma, and once educated they improve in there ability to be supportive. And other times, certain people, for whatever reason, are impossible to educate about nature of trauma. Please don't think I have it all figured out. I'm broken hearted by my sister's reaction and it is so hard on my self esteem. But the ideas of "secondary trauma" and "education around trauma" have helped me in the past to heal. I feel for you very much. Please be gentle with yourself.

Good post Rusby and so true. I have been challenged that way myself, and actually with my sister as well who, instead of being supportive was actually mean to me. My therapist had explained to me that not only was I traumatized, but was repeatedly retraumatized which made the trauma even worse.

A Trauma is healed much better when a person has a group of other individuals that are supportive. A trauma is made worse when a person is humiliated for how they feel and what a trauma did to them.

Thank you. I hadn't heard the term "secondary trauma" before.

That's so true! The way others react badly and don't comfort the victim is even worse to me than the abuse itself.

Wow, I have learned so much from this thread. Thankyou to both the OP and all the people who replied.

I was a victim of some pretty horrific child abuse AND my siblings told me it was my fault.

You guys are simply awesome for all the information you have written.

I don't know that I've ever said that I feel badly for that younger self... the one who was molested- I wish I could be there and just say the things that would have comforted my younger self. To say something like, "something happened to you last night.. what was it? You're obviously upset, why don't you tell me about it..." And to express concern.... to contact the authorities so I could be sure the perpetrator wouldn't cause pain to anyone else.

And I'd express concern to that 20-something yr old version of myself. That was a painful thing to hear. My brother was dealing with his own issues, and his reaction had everything to do with him, and virtually nothing to do with me.

My parents didn't mean to cause me so much pain by allowing me to spend the night w/ someone they didn't know very well. They didn't mean to cause me pain by not doing more to figure out what was wrong... I didn't mean to cause myself harm by not talking about it. The mid 1970's were an entirely different time.. no one talked about sex offenders, or "good touch and bad touch".

My family and I are in the process of trying to find the name of the offender. I'd like to see if he was ever arrested, if he's still alive, etc. If there is a chance he is still living, I plan on contacting the authorities.

You have most definitely made progress in your healing/grieving shakesphere, so glad to see that as I do know this has been such a big challenge for you. For you to finally get to this point where you genuinely feel sorry for that little boy in yourself and comfort him with your adult mind is wonderful and shows you have made progress in your healing.

I will soon talk to a detective from my hometown and will report the crime from 40 years ago. I just got an email from the detective.

I feel a little nervous, and I wish I had more info to give... but, at least it's something.

Update... Just got off the phone with the detective. My dad and I were talking recently, and he mentioned we might be able to find this guy through old building permits, so I relayed that info to the detective, and he is going to see what he can find.

I wanted to mention that the Detective was really cool. He thanked me for coming forward and treated me with respect.

I also discovered that my uncle's brother in law was a detective in the same town (not sure if I ever even met him before stumbling across him on facebook), I mentioned my story to him, in order to ask some advice, and he was really cool, too, and expressed concern for my emotional well-being... and he also commended me for coming forward and reporting the crime.

I've been sexuallymlolested since I was so young. I must have been 3 or 4. My parents were still carrying me to my bed and I still had a pacifier. My brother took over that job and I remember him touching me as he carried me to my bed. I'm not sure if that was the beginning or not but it didn't end until I was 20. It wa sa daily event for me and sometimes it consisted of a few times a day. He brought his friends over for a show and tell basically as they handed me pennies. I must have been 5 or so. My uncle molested me as well. It was ongoing at home but I learned to pull through and survive it my way. I'm still dealing with all of the psych that comes along with it. I've been very careful with my children due to the fact that it happened to me and at times right in front or near people. After my experience I see that anything is possible. My youngest is an 11 year old boy. He look as if he's 7 right now and I take him to the bathroom with me. He also acts like he's 5 or 6. I trust no one. About a year ago an old lady was upset because she needed to go to the bathroom and he just came out of the stall or so and told me that he didn't need my help and that he can go to the bathroom on his own. People were mistaking him for a 5 year old then due to his diagnosis. I was so upset and gave her my two cents. I told her no he's with me where I can see him. He's tiny and people call him "the baby" eventhough he's 11. There's no way that I would give anyone a chance to take advantage of Him. I had an issue at a park a few years ago with a boy who a wanted to play with him. The boy was a few years older and was instructing my son to sit next to him with his hands on his laps. It was very strange. I removed him from the scene and made my son aware of dealing with people with odd requests. Unfortunately I haven't processed any of my abuse when I was going to therapy. It wasn't an option and so now I'm still stuck with certain issues.

Back in January, I enlisted the help of a cousin to help me track down the name of the perpetrator. Recently, she let me know she was molested as a child as well. More than once. I sometimes forget how common of an occurrence it is.