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Old Jun 23, 2007, 06:04 PM
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lenjan lenjan is offline
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A friend who is a counselor sent me a book that she said made her think of me the whole time she was reading it. It is written by a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse, which I experienced for years growing up. This woman's story was mine, exactly, in many, many ways.

It took me years to be able to bring it up in therapy, but with the help of a loving and patient therapist, I finally did it, tiny step by tiny step. I thought I had moved beyond it. I last saw my mother at a family function last summer. She is 78 years old now, needs a walker, looks her age -- she has always been small, but is now frail. I looked at her and thought, "she can't hurt me anymore," and I thought I was OK, and I thought I had even managed to forgive her.

But I read this book and I realized I still have problems and I'm NOT over it and I don't think, despite being what others outwardly see as high-functioning, that I will ever get over it, or that it is even possible to get over in the first place. If anything, my issues have grown in adulthood.

Does anybody really ever "survive" abuse? Does anyone ever get to the point where they can say "this happened, but I've dealt with it satisfactorily and it doesn't hurt me anymore?" There are plenty of things still wrong with me, so I'm just wondering.

does anybody really "survive" it? does anybody really "survive" it? does anybody really "survive" it?

Candy
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  #2  
Old Jun 23, 2007, 06:28 PM
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i dont think anyone can deal with it enough to an extent that it doesnt affect them anymore. memories will always affect people. it is part of what makes us us. so if i remember falling over a doorstop. in the future, i will avoid doorstops. it is inevitable that memories will always make us feel or do something.
take care
self
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does anybody really "survive" it?

'cuz the drugs dont work, they just make you worse, but i, know ill see your face again...'

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  #3  
Old Jun 24, 2007, 02:03 AM
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Doonney Doonney is offline
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This is only my opinion. But yes I do believe I am a survivor. Because that is exactly what I have done. I have remained alive - in existence - active beyond the extent of - outlived the sexual and physical abuse inflicted upon me. Yes it is hard to look back on, there is no doubting that the emotional toll is harder to overcome. Sadly I will always carry the emotional and physical scares but in time these to will fade become easier to bear if I allow them to. I have already lived through the worst of it. Please ignore all of this if my opinion is not what you wish to hear. I have no desire to cause you more upset.
  #4  
Old Jul 01, 2007, 08:54 AM
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candybear,

I think this IS something you can move beyond. Its something that influenced a period of your time, but you can come to the place where you say that it no long controls me the way it used too. Keep your head up. Things can change!
  #5  
Old Jul 01, 2007, 12:48 PM
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((((candybear))))

just wanted to say i am here and i hear you. i cannot tell you whether or not you will get over it as i feel i am in the mist of it. i do know that talking and letting it out helps. as i move forward, i cling to words that i receive from so many here and i have to hold on to that beilef until i can create my own--the belief that things will get better. we will never forget but with time ease the pain even a little with each step forward we take. i hope you know you are in my thoughts. take care dear.

purplesecrets
  #6  
Old Jul 04, 2007, 11:36 PM
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Sunybear Sunybear is offline
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Hi... I think we learn how to live with what happened and not let it control our lives. I feel like everything about my perceptions are messed up because of the abuse I survived.I have to relearn how to feel about myself for one thing.

I think once I got to the point where I understood and accepted that nothing that happened to me was ABOUT me, that it was about my abusers and their sick ways, I was able to work on healing from the pain.

A wise survivor I know once told me that its much like a deep cut...we open it up( ie in therapy).. we watch it bleed, and we let it heal,and it leaves a scar that can and probably will cause pain every now and then. But a scar is a reminder.. not an open wound.

Healing is hard work and its an ongoing process... well worth the work!I'm sorry you were hurt by your mother...I hope you know she must have been in her own sick world and she had to have gotten there somehow..it wasn't your fault.

Sunybear does anybody really "survive" it?
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does anybody really "survive" it?
  #7  
Old Jul 06, 2007, 11:11 PM
mtd mtd is offline
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candybear,

I often have the same feelings you are expressing here. Someone on this site once wrote the following message to me, and it seems to really apply here -- for me, it is one of the most empowering things I have ever received, and I hope you find inspiration in it too:

If I am going to get better I have decided to move beyond it. Each time I decide to walk the other way when I want to break down and cry over my past pains I become the person I wish to be. Each time I am able to turn my back on the visions I take back a little of what was taken away from me. Fighting to break away from being a victim doesn’t make me better or stronger, it just makes me whole.

be well,

mtd
  #8  
Old Jul 07, 2007, 09:28 AM
freewill
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does anybody really "survive" it? such a very good post.. that helps me a great deal.. thank you
  #9  
Old Jul 08, 2007, 04:53 PM
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Given time and the space with which to do it in, and MAYBE one day we can see beyond the trees. I too am a survivor. Step parent. Though not RAPE, MOLESTATION.
I think that somehow that's WORSE then rape. It"s an assault on your mind that can never leave. Not that rape isn't, but usually, it doesn't happen over and over again. I don't know.
I turned away from anything "sexual" in my life, as now I'm damaged goods. I feel less than 0 and I do NOT care!!!
I hope one day to "forgive" myself for him coming after me...
but it's hard to do...............I can't forgive him, how can I forgive me?
  #10  
Old Jul 09, 2007, 02:01 AM
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dalila dalila is offline
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<font color="green"> I think forgiving ourselves has to come first. Please try to realize that you were not responsible for what he did. You were a child and he was an adult. For me, I have had to get to a mental understanding first and then work towards getting a heart understanding. Sometimes it seems that my heart does get it but often I feel the old shame and guilt bubble up.
I am better now in general thanks to therapy and HARD, painful work.
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Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
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  #11  
Old Jul 14, 2007, 11:20 AM
jaberwocky jaberwocky is offline
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<font color="#880000">I can fully understand where you are coming from, however this is my personal take on it from what I feel and my experiences.

Part of me survived and part of me didn't. The very first instance it happen to me, who I was and who I was going to be was killed.
He killed that smart, happy, trusting little child, and left something mush darker .
What happen has kept me from becoming what I wanted to become, as 2 of my career paths were cut very short do to horrible flashbacks triggered by the nature of what I was meant to do.
I mourn for that little girl, and always wonder what could have been for her.

HOWEVER I survived, who I am today survived, I am proud of everything I have overcome, regarding my other mental illnesses... this issue quite honestly I have not yet conquered but I can not help but think one day I must.

So yes and no to your question. Part of us dies and part of us lives... and that is the part posting to us today.

The you we see now survived... and you should fell the strength in what you have done.

~Alice </font>
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i wonder if it hurts to live, and if they have to try,
and wether could they choose between, would they rather die.
  #12  
Old Jul 14, 2007, 02:59 PM
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I have cycles where I feel as if I am “over it.” Times where it does not bother me. Sometimes, I need to go back to therapy and work the issues a little more—drill a little deeper. I am grateful for the good times I have and I am grateful for the opportunity to go back and rework some of the issues. Each time I go back through the issues I learn a little more and it gets a little easier. For the most part, I consider myself recovered, however, I think the abuse will always have an impact on me. It shaped who I am today. Although I wish I would have never been abused—going through the recovery process and overcoming so many difficult tragedies has made me a much stronger and compassionate person.
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  #13  
Old Aug 26, 2007, 07:21 PM
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As negative as it sounds. I do not know if we will ever get over the abuses we suffered as children. I think we come to certain point in our lives were we are strong enough the handle what happen and put it into some type of perspective to be able to deal with it. But getting over it completely. I don't think so. The memories are always there. They do not go away.

By reading that book, it took you back to that time of pain, agony and helplessness. I do not think it neccessarily means that you have not healed. I think that it is a wound that you will have to nuture over time.

(((((((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there.

Huggles,

Jen
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