[LovelyChantel]

Trigger for graphic depictions of abuse

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Religious/Cult Abuse

I grew up in a devout (borderline fundamentalist) Christian family and was told that it was the ONLY way and that any other way leads to h*ll. Even other Christians, if they don't do things the 'right way',
can go to h*ll. I was threatened, when convenient, with losing my salvation. I would ask innocent childish questions out of curiosity and a yearning to make sense of the world around me and would be told ,"You're treading on dangerous ground." If I didn't do something they wanted me to do or somehow questioned their authority or belief system I would be told I would go to h*ll. But at the same time was taught that G*d is love and tolerance etc. So I was very confused as a child.

I wasn't taught to think for myself and developed no critical thinking skills. My capacity for my own spirituality has been severely hindered as a result of this upbringing due to my innate and ingrained fear of h*ll and burning alive forever. There was also a lot of focus on doom and destruction and the end of the world and demonic influence and oppression.

Possible trigger:

They had a prophet come to one of the many churches we went to and pray over me and pray The Sp*rit into me. I then fell on the ground and started shaking and they told me it was due to d*mons and angels and spiritual warfare and that I was under attack.

The weird thing is, I don't remember the in-between part of this 'ceremony/ritual'. I remember them all laying hands on me and

Possible trigger:

speaking in tongues/chanting/singing and then I remember feeling 'fuzzy' and like I was floating (much like I do when I dissociate as I have dissociative issues from my traumas) and then all the sudden I remember waking up on the floor of the church. And other people were laying all over and looked like they were having seizures and people were chanting/speaking in tongues. This happened in all the churches I went to and I remember as a little girl (3 maybe) having to kneel before the altar and ask forgiveness lest I b*rn and all around me people were laying prostrate on the ground - some were sobbing, some were writhing, some were laughing, some speaking in different languages I'd never heard, etc.

And the intense fear I now struggle with is something that sometimes feels near impossible to work on without feeling guilty like I am going to be smitten somehow and cast into the f*res...

Also, Abuse was justified as "How G*d intended it" and bible verses were spouted to explain away beltings/beatings and other abuses etc.

So, I feel like I honestly had no choice in my choosing of faith because I was indoctrinated in it from birth and was scared of burning alive forever. I feel like my decision was made out of fear, brainwashing, and indoctrination - not out of genuine faith or belief. But for most of my life, I was a devout Christian because I literally knew no other way. And was thus threatened with h*ll any time I even entertained the idea that there might be another way.

It also needs to be said that I was isolated from other 'outsiders' as much as possible growing up and went to a private Christian school from grades K-12th. That school was very abusive. They employed methods of control and manipulation that are common in cults: deceit, trickery, double-binds, coercion, terror, degrading and humiliating acts, physical abuse, severe psychological abuse, sexual inappropriateness, forced confinement of a minor for consecutive days as punishment, spiritual recovery/ceremonies of minors, all in the name of religion and deemed "What God wants", the list goes on. The psychological and emotional abuse at that school was horrendous. There was physical abuse that I witnessed happen to another child when I was in 3rd grade.

Possible trigger:

I caused it to happen to her for telling on her for something she did and the teacher pinched her cheeks into her teeth really hard and made her cry. I felt bad for saying anything.

In 1st and 2nd grade one teacher would hit our fingers with a ruler really hard and would scream at us and tell us how stupid we were. She also had us pick the stuff out of her hair and if we did we got a treat and if we refused to we didn't get a treat.

In 3rd grade I always

Possible trigger:

had to hold my pee/poo because my teacher's husband always was in the class with her as he came to school with her. He would watch me all day during class and I couldn't concentrate on my studies and looking back now I see how he was undressing me with his eyes. The reason I didn't want to use the bathroom was because he would always accompany me to the toilets but I don't think he did anything. So I just started holding it because he made me feel so scared and unnerved.

I was touched inappropriately by a coach who would

Possible trigger:

pinch and rub my bottom and wink at me quite often mostly when we were alone but also during basketball practice when I was in 5th grade and 6th grade. Then I was touched by a man who was at least 19 or so, maybe older when I was 11. He caressed my inner thigh right next to my v*gina and looked at me with a disgusting sleazy smile and a look that said, "Don't say a word." The secretary was literally sitting right next to us but she didn't see anything that I know of. He wasn't even a student at the school. He just would hang out with the kids for some reason. He used to tell me dirty things and ask me about giving him bl*w jobs and if I would spit or swallow. I told him, "Swallow" because I didn't know what he was even talking about. He would laugh and then have his friends (other male students) come over and start asking me dirty questions as well and I feel stupid now looking back because I was so naive and stupid. They told me that I was so ugly no one would even want to r*pe me. They were wrong unfortunately.

For punishment at that school I was

Possible trigger:

shut inside of a very small closet for 3 days and not allowed to interact with others. As a minor, I was screamed at, their face within inches of my own, and told I was vile, scum, and that I was unlovable and corrupting the other children.

(I do admit, I had some behavioral issues, but they never thought to ask why. Perhaps because of how I was being treated). There were a lot of other mind f***s. There was deceit/trickery/cover-ups, and conspiracies that were covered up by the school board. I was the scapegoat used for them to get away with these things. I can't get into all the things they did but I didn't name them all. I was betrayed in a huge way there at that school. I was used and it was covered up and swept under the rug.

I endured countless physical and mental t*rtures and r*pes because I thought it was my duty as a Christian woman to please a man. I won't go into this as it was sadistic and very shameful and revolting.

One of the teachers made me go to the front of the classroom and stand in front of the students. He said, "Look at this girl. Everyone look at her. She is bad and will lead you to hell. No one be her friend. No one talk to her. No one be nice to her. She will lead you down bad paths." Etc etc. When I started crying he laughed at me. Then I got so angry I said a bad word at him. I of course got sent to the principals office. I tried to tell her what he'd done to be but she said I was a liar and plus I deserved it as I was vile scum and causing the students to fall astray.

TW for mentions of abuse involving water.. So confused...
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First off... Does this belong in RA category? Not sure. This specific abuse has nothing to do with religion but it seemed ritualized cuz it was systematic and happened so often more times than I can remember and it sometimes preceded other abuses.

Confused... Didn't think this is that bad but was it? Was it not nice? They really were trying to wake me up. I was a hard sleeper.

To wake me up my parents would pour cold water

Possible trigger:

on my chest/nipple area (sometimes) and always on my face and neck thus making me think I was drowning.

I don't think it was their intention (to terrify me) but it was such a scary way to wake up... I remember that when I would be in a deep sleep that waking up to the feeling of water going in my nose and mouth and running in my ears made me feel like I was drowning and if I got upset they would laugh at me and just smile or would scream at me to get out of bed or just acted confused about why I was upset like they were trying to make me doubt it all like I was crazy or something... Their reactions were confusing to me... I always thought this was how all parents woke their kids up... And also, a lot of times they did this because I was a heavy sleeper so they would apparently tell me multiple times to get up but I would never remember it or would reply but would instantly fall right back to sleep... So I guess they "gave me a chance" so that makes it my fault.. I was a bad girl.

My dad also used to

Possible trigger:

rip open the shower curtain while I was showering and dump big pichter-fulls of cold water all over my body. I hated it because it was very cold but I also hated it because I was naked and made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed cuz I didn't want my dad to see me naked... But he thought it was funny I guess, making me uncomfortable.

The thing is he did this at random times so I never knew when to expect it so I essentially had to be always on guard and when I would hear the bathroom door open my heart would race but sometimes I wouldn't hear it open and would be taken by complete surprise. I would scream bloody murder of course and he would just laugh...

Why did they like to use water so much? Cold.... :'( Gives bad heachaes from cold :'( Scaree

If you were able to read this all I applaud and thank you.

[LovelyChantel]

Was told the "water stuff" sounds a lot like water boarding. Luckily I wasn't tied down or anything. So I guess that's good and I'm lucky.

I really think they didn't know they were doing anything wrong. I dont know. A lot of the things they'd do to me/us it's like I don't know if they knew that what they were doing wasn't okay things to do.

But I mean, like some of the things... Just can't see how they COULDN'T see that it wasn't okay...

Like when my dad would

Possible trigger:

pull and manually manipulate my tendons (his favorites were in my neck, arms, wrists, genital areas, back of legs, ankles, etc) and pull them away from the bones and stretch them and grind them and hurt our nerve bundles causing "nerve shocks" to shoot through our whole body making me feel "light headed", shaky, and felt like I was convulsing (in a way) as it interfered with our nerves and was mind-blowing pain.

Or when they'd (my parents) get mad and

Possible trigger:

choke/strangle me

(happened rarely).

Or the severe beltings.

Or other weird and creepy things (sexual things) but not "too sexual" which makes it all the more confusing.

It's just there was so much love. And oftentimes love was done at the same time as the "abuse" so it ****ed with my head so bad.

Always was hurting self as far back as we can remember. Always doing bad and sexual things to self, others, dolls, and toys and hurting self in all ways we could.

Also had so many psych issues yet all they did was scribe medicines (at age 8) and not even ask WHY we were acting the way that we were..

So yes, It's a very scary feeling,

Possible trigger:

the feeling of choking on water. I hated being woke up like that. Sometimes when they'd (my parents) did the water thing they would also turn the lights on and off so fast that they flickered and it was at such a fast rate that it made me disoriented, confused, and lightheaded (especially when done that fast and whilst one has been asleep). The light thing was one of their alternatives to do along with the water or instead of the water, depending.

But they truly were just trying to get me awake. I think I am probably making a big deal out of it. It's just I hated those flashing lights. I hated them. I hated the water too.

[LovelyChantel]

Actually you know what? I feel really bad posting this and it caused lots of anxiety. I mean, I posted this on many other forums that I'm active in but... It's just so confusing because the stuff relating to my parents at least was NOT all bad by ANY means. In fact they were and still are VERY great parents in like all the ways that count. Some feel rather guilt sharing this. Please don't judge my parents. I love them. And they love me. I truly do not think thy meant a lot of the things they did as abuse and rather it was my perception. Just needed to share that.

[nicoleflynn]

This is horrific......the same as being held captive in a POW camp. I hope you will find someone to help you. I found an amazing therapist who specialized in spiritual abuse a few years ago.
In order to survive I know you need to believe your parents loved you.but love is not what they did.....tortured with beatings, water thrown on you and strangulation......unbelievable abuse....As I said sadistic guards in a POW camp; this is how they torture prisoners.

Again, I hope you will find a therapist, survivor's group, etc....to help you.

[shakespeare47]

Thanks for sharing. I'm still trying to process how I feel about my parents. It wasn't all bad, and yet there was abuse.

[LovelyChantel]

Thank you both for replying to my post. It's so confusing. I just began seeing a trauma informed therapist who specializes in childhood physical and sexual abuse. I will have to eventually tell her this but is scary. Takes time. And patience.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

This is horrific......the same as being held captive in a POW camp. I hope you will find someone to help you. I found an amazing therapist who specialized in spiritual abuse a few years ago.
In order to survive I know you need to believe your parents loved you.but love is not what they did.....tortured with beatings, water thrown on you and strangulation......unbelievable abuse....As I said sadistic guards in a POW camp; this is how they torture prisoners.

Again, I hope you will find a therapist, survivor's group, etc....to help you.

it's hard to believe that. Ugh. Thank you for your input.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Thanks for sharing. I'm still trying to process how I feel about my parents. It wasn't all bad, and yet there was abuse.

I understand that 100%. You're not alone. Thanks for sharing.

[dogzrule]

Oh my gosh. You shouldn't have had to endure any of this. I relate to the nearly fundamentalist Christian upbringing, but luckily I went to public school. But I relate so much to the Bible being used to make women feel less than and to justify abuse.
For now I question everything about religion though I still think I may someday go back to church, just on my own terms and one that is very inclusive. I get a lot more out of volunteering and helping in my community versus going to church.
It's still been really hard to separate what I now know is abuse vs what I grew up experiencing and being told. It's helpful for me to read different articles and books dealing with recovering from abuse. I think the more exposure I have to facts instead of what was a learned experience, the more I can internalize what is actually right and wrong. I hope that all made sense.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Luce]

Hello Lovely Chantel.
I think when there is a we involved it can be very hard to see
how absolutely devastating the whole is because
we each only see our own little bit.

But I read your whole
and I see how absolutely awful it was nearly
all of the time
with only a little bit
of normal thrown in
to trick you into thinking
"It wasn't that bad."

If only I could see my own whole
maybe I would know
my own devastation
too.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hello Lovely Chantel.
I think when there is a we involved it can be very hard to see
how absolutely devastating the whole is because
we each only see our own little bit.

But I read your whole
and I see how absolutely awful it was nearly
all of the time
with only a little bit
of normal thrown in
to trick you into thinking
"It wasn't that bad."

If only I could see my own whole
maybe I would know
my own devastation
too.

Hey there, I don't know why I say 'we'. Sometimes it fits and sometimes it doesn't. Because I'm very much a single person with a single identity. But occasionally I just don't feel like that and I sometimes do feel like a 'we' in a very vague sense. I don't have alters, they are not full. But I at times have Pieces are Aspects that come back to life when triggered and it's like I "become" that person. Sometimes that person is a child kind of, or someone who is extremely angry. But I don't lose time. Not fully. It just sometimes is a little bit fuzzy but not always. I don't know, it is confusing and it's hard to explain.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by dogzrule

Oh my gosh. You shouldn't have had to endure any of this. I relate to the nearly fundamentalist Christian upbringing, but luckily I went to public school. But I relate so much to the Bible being used to make women feel less than and to justify abuse.
For now I question everything about religion though I still think I may someday go back to church, just on my own terms and one that is very inclusive. I get a lot more out of volunteering and helping in my community versus going to church.
It's still been really hard to separate what I now know is abuse vs what I grew up experiencing and being told. It's helpful for me to read different articles and books dealing with recovering from abuse. I think the more exposure I have to facts instead of what was a learned experience, the more I can internalize what is actually right and wrong. I hope that all made sense.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm sorry you can relate. Your support means a lot. <3

[nicoleflynn]

I would imagine you had to dissociate to be able to get through such evil and horror. I do hope you find someone who specializes in ritualistic/religious abuse.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I would imagine you had to dissociate to be able to get through such evil and horror. I do hope you find someone who specializes in ritualistic/religious abuse.

I'm not sure. I swear I have no blank spots. Hmm. I don't know. I am seeing a Trauma Informed Therapist and I'm going to be doing EMDR with her for my C-PTSD. Thank you. There are a few memories I have (one is the 2nd earliest memory I can think of) that seem strange. Not scary just strange. Hearing voices and floating and stuff.

[GRUMPYPA]

I always say all religion is based on fear "believe or burn in hell " All religion is a cover for a pedophile ring Catholic being at the top of the list. I'm sorry to hear what you have been put through LovelyChantel. Seems us survivors get life whilst the doers get to sit back & remember & go on untouched. Took me over 30 years to open up helped a bit but still don't have a day when I don't think about it. I wish you the best

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by GRUMPYPA

I always say all religion is based on fear "believe or burn in hell " All religion is a cover for a pedophile ring Catholic being at the top of the list. I'm sorry to hear what you have been put through LovelyChantel. Seems us survivors get life whilst the doers get to sit back & remember & go on untouched. Took me over 30 years to open up helped a bit but still don't have a day when I don't think about it. I wish you the best

Thank you. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry you can relate. Caused so much damage. The tortures they inflicted....

[LovelyChantel]

I realize a lot and also realize nothing. Because I go back and forth and fight back and forth and never come to a general consensus. The things dad did... Those were really bad. But they were games. Truly. And the water and lights..... Those were to wake me up as I was a heavy sleeper. But yet the pain was so great. At times I'm confused. I'm just so throughly confused. I'm constantly changing.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by LovelyChantel

I realize a lot and also realize nothing. Because I go back and forth and fight back and forth and never come to a general consensus. The things dad did... Those were really bad. But they were games. Truly. And the water and lights..... Those were to wake me up as I was a heavy sleeper. But yet the pain was so great. At times I'm confused. I'm just so throughly confused. I'm constantly changing.

I can definitely relate to the confusion. I'm not sure how to describe my parents and my childhood anymore.

[LovelyChantel]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I can definitely relate to the confusion. I'm not sure how to describe my parents and my childhood anymore.

I understand. Ugh. So. Lost. Like when he (dad) calls me I get the urge to throw the phone across the room. I get violent urges. But he's never been anything but great to me. I believe that. He's the best dad. Ffs.....

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by LovelyChantel

I understand. Ugh. So. Lost. Like when he (dad) calls me I get the urge to throw the phone across the room. I get violent urges. But he's never been anything but great to me. I believe that. He's the best dad. Ffs.....

Don't you mean that he is great now, but he wasn't always so great? Or maybe, you like him, even though he did some pretty terrible things to you in the past?

[cinnamon_roll]

Hello LovelyChantel,

hope I'm not too late and that you are still reading here in the PC-forums.

I totally can relate to the fundamentalis/almost-fundamentalist christian upbringing. For me it definitely did more harm than good and I'm still battling with the fallouts from my childhood. I went to a state school and I think this was my luck since I learned there to think for myself and to overcome the dogmas and threats of hell and eternal damnation from my childhood.

The main thing I'm fighting with to this day (I've left the church and all things religious 25 years ago) is a deep and profound lack of a sense of self. From early on I was so indoctrinated with "god's will" and taught that life is not about me or my desires, so I never learnt to recognize what are *my* feelings, what are *my* desires or *my* needs. I never learnt that my needs can be totally legitimate but always heard that it is bad if I focus on my needs and desires. Needless to say, I still have a hard time standing up for myself and what I want/need, especially in situations that are conflict-ridden.

But ultimately, things do get better, 25 years ago I wouldn't have dared to dream that I would come this far and actually be able to enjoy life and myself.

What really helped me was a book my Marlene Winell "Leaving the Fold" - it is a self-help book for people who left their (christian) fundamentalist faith. Winell herself has been brought up my fundamentalist missionaries so her own experiences and reflections on recovery are very hands-on. For me it was so helpful that she analyzied and systematized the things/emotions that I had been struggling with for so long, and that left me with the feelings that I was going 'totally crazy'... Reading the book made me realize that I am not alone on this painful journey, that my struggles with guilt and shame are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

I even lend the book to my therapist, which was helpful, since it gave her a reference to the mindset I had grown up in. And I didn't have to explain everything right from scratch.

We (T and I) did a lot of the exercises together, or I did them as homework and the next sessions we talked about it. For me it was good that I had a place where I could process all the painful feelings and the regrets and the grief that came up when doing all those exercisis...

I'm glad to hear that you found a good therapist who is specialised in trauma work. Winell has written some articles on "religious trauma syndrome" - do look them up if you havent read them already.

I can also relate to your ambivalences towards your parents. I feel them too. I believe that my parents ultimately did their best, that they wanted my best (get saved and have eternal life...), can I blame them that what I think is best for me isn't what they intended? Yet at the same time, I know they failed me, since they didn't see me as an individual with my very own individual needs, since they didn't take me seriously as an individual... I still havent got the answer to this one...

Anyway, wishing you all the best on the journey to yourself!
Much love, c_r