Could You Accept An Apology?

Someone that sexually abused me for many years in childhood apologized for it.I wasn't able to accept it though and the person got mad at me.But the way they said it was like when you accidentally bump into someone out in public and then say "oh,sorry" and then keep walking.

I don't understand how this person could even expect me to just accept their apology and let it go,never talk about it or think about it again.I was expected to act as if it never happened and I just can't do that.

All I wanted was to be able to talk about it,ask some questions,try to understand what happened to me and why.All I got was "people make mistakes" and "I already said I was sorry but that wasn't good enough for you".

Of course it wasn't good enough!Has anyone ever accepted an apology,forgiven and allowed the abuser in their life?

I don't accept apologies for abuse. If an apology would even be sincere in the first place, that behavior would stop long before it became abusive.

No.

Though, granted, it took two different therapists to convince me to cut said abuser out of my life and that was before I admitted to any kind of abuse from him (he's also a raging alcoholic among other things).

The last voicemail I got from him years ago now had some kind of blanket apology for "whatever horrible thing it is you think I've done" so I mean, I get the whole lack of genuine feeling thing.

I'm not sure that you will ever find satisfactory answers to those questions. Perhaps others on this board will have better insight to this but my gut feeling is that abusers don't think about it as deeply as we do after the fact.

I kind of think of it like a bully shoving a kid down and the kid wondering why me out of everyone and the bully shrugging and being like, 'you were the first one in my way'. Not exactly satisfactory, but as much as he's willing to put into thinking about it. Am I making sense?

Anyway, best of luck to you.

His "apology" was a justification, therefore it wasn't an apology...."people make mistakes, etc....is NOT an apology, but a justification of his abuse.

`Saying SORRY is easy` `BUT` the trauma destroyed my childhood and the flash backs` make me sick and angry!

`So NO, NO and definitely NO`!!

I would LOVE an apology! A sincere, heartfelt apology and yes I would accept it (for emotional abuse). I am never going to get it because the abusers do not feel sorry. If they were caring people, they would not have been abusers in the first place. It's not going to happen.

I had sexual abuse, too. I don't even think about those jerks. Just put it out of my mind.

My mom, the enabler to some abuse and the person behind it, sort of tossed out the "I'm sorry" card for her part in things. Lukewarm and not heartfelt at all.

Though I've worked through many parts and pieces of forgiving her and the abuser, I'm not close to or trust her at all.

It's hurt me beyond description and I'm not putting those folks in my life on a regular basis.

I'm with you, for sure!

I couldn't and I wouldn't.

Maybe when it just came to light and I confronted him about it,maybe in that moment...

Instead he acted like it was no big deal, no bloody remorse whatsoever.

So no, if he wanted to apologize now, I'd show him my middle finger and walk away.

No contact is how we'll stay, blood is not a knot or a rope, it doesn't tie me to anyone.

Hi Crispapple,

Although the subject matter in this thread is both triggering and hard to read, it is incredibly validating and helps me feel less alone... Thank you for making the thread and to those of you who responded. I have gained a lot of insight from this thread.

I think this is an excellent question. I think everyone is different when it comes to trauma and whether one can accept an apology or not. What works for one may not work for another. It is important to remember that abuse cannot be pardoned or excused, EVER.

Radical Acceptance (in DBT therapy) talks about learning to accept terrible trauma and or abuse for the sake of moving forward, without having to agree with it or think that it is okay that it happened. It is not to be taken lightly when someone has hurt you so deeply.

I had many fake apologies over the years from my family and others who have abused me. I accepted their apologies for the sake (and hope) of saving the relationship and giving them a second chance (afterall, everyone deserves a second chance, right?) but that only enabled them to continue abusing me in other ways. It was disgusting to watch. It was as if they were completely devoid of any self-awareness. I felt sorry for them and that gave excuse to keep them in my life. Ultimately this enabled them to continue abusing me, albeit, in more subtle ways... Then, after many years of trauma, I got hurt by a group of highly unethical therapists who BY FAR damaged me the most. I was at my most vulnerable. They took advantage of me and absolutely demolished my ability to trust.

To answer your question from my own personal experience: NOT ONCE, has accepting an apology from an abusive human being improved anything. In fact, because I was so forgiving of the unethical therapists, they managed to gain my trust just long enough to alter and falsify my health records and cover-up their unethical misdeeds; thereby preventing me from winning a lawsuit I had threatened...

If only I didn't accept their apology they would be fired and unable to work with such vulnerable people like us... Makes me SO angry!

This broke me in two and cracked me open. I decided I would put up with NO MORE ABUSE!

Long story short, I had to get burned MANY times before I could realize that I was an easy target, that there was SO much importance in limiting who has a place in my life and in what way.

We are so sensitive and too nice and too kind. We need to stop allowing abuse in our lives and protect ourselves.

In my opinion: DO NOT accept the "apology" you received. IF you feel angry about it: you are fully justified in feeling that way. I hope that you can find some peace and calm.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

That makes sense,justifying is not apologizing.I was also told I liked it,it was my own fault because I participated.Those things were said along with the apology and I was supposed to say,oh ok,lets forget about it now and be close.

This kind of apology has little to do with you, it's more to ease the abuser and instill a sense of 'forgiveness' to them. They may take it as a sign that it wasn't such a big deal and that 'it's ok'.
If they are forgiven for their abuses does it not make further abuse seem more acceptable?
Certain conditions must be met for genuine forgiveness, it has to feel right.
Some people do not deserve to be absolved of their terrible deeds.
You want forgiveness? Talk to Jesus...

Three of my abusers are dead, so I don't expect anything. The fourth one I haven't heard from in years, and I prefer it that way. I wouldn't accept an apology and I don't see one coming. He hurt both me and my daughter with his lies and abuse.

If this offends anybody here than I'm sorry but I will tell it like it is.

If one of my abusers or anybody who has caused me significant grief came to me begging for my forgiveness I would make them get on their knees and beg me. If they actually did I would tell them there are only two ways I would forgive them: they are to either donate a significant amount of their money or time to help those who struggle with mental illness or trauma and commit to helping the homeless or they are to offer their life to me as penance.

Those are the only two things that an abuser could possibly do to earn my forgiveness.

An apology like that, no. **** that. That isn't even an apology. Like it was previously stated, that's seeking justification not forgiveness.

I have accepted an apology, though. Accepted and forgave because there was no question in my mind that she meant it. It wasn't just an 'I'm so sorry'. Before she even said it, she changed. She changed so much that I can't even call her the same person. She worked non-stop to be better. It was after that she came to me and described in detail, the things she did, how they were wrong and apologized. Honestly, I don't regret forgiving her because she hasn't let me down. I love my mom.

No, I would not accept an apology. It's moot now, she died years ago.

That's what I wanted from that abuser,a genuine apology and to feel like they were truly remorseful and honestly working to change their self.To admit exactly what was wrong about how they abused me,I wanted to hear "what I did was wrong and not your fault".

I would eventually like to forgive though,for myself,so I can let go of all the hurt and anger from it.

This person is disgusting,they weren't apologising they were asking to be let of the hook and playing you for a fool.You should cut this person out of your life after you have reported them and what they did to you to the police.This is probably what they are pretending to be sorry for in case you report them.Report them and don't feel bad about it they are scum!

I have recently completely cut this person out of my life and have no plans of allowing them back in.

I checked into doing something about it but since it happened in childhood it's past the statute of limitations in my state.

I am sorry to hear that!You have done the best you can cutting this person out of your life,if you need some kind of revenge just tell everyone who knows this person what they did to you...and stand tall you have done nothing wrong and are the one wronged.Just remember that coward was trying to make out he did nothing wrong like he had made a mistake one that everyone makes,this is sheer ********,he knew what he was doing was wrong,he didn't do it by mistake he deliberately chose his behaviour.....don't let him emotionally manipulate you into agreeing he wasn't to blame and tell him his attempt to make it sound like an apology failed,tell it to someone who is gullible say.I know full well you knew what you did was wrong but did it anyway on purpose.You don't have to tell him this if you've gone no contact but say this to yourself so you know he isn't on.

I wouldn't care about an apology. There's no excuse. I don't care what my abusers' feelings on this are, I don't wanna know if they are sorry and regret it. They just destroyed my life. No apologies accepted.

If you asked me, I don't think I can. I'm still doubtful that I will even forgive him. I met him on daily basis now, and all people in my family already asked me to forgive him already. They want me to accept him back because they can't deal with another issue in this family. Basically they want me to suck it up.
I have no say in this matter so I never said I would forgive him, and I only said I need time. Basically, I can't see this man already change. He still the same, self centered man posing as a selfless human being. His apologize is a justification for what he's done, and I think what he need to repeat again in the future. So yeah, I would never forgive him.
If you are not under pressure to forgive him, I don't think you should. Take your time. Until you feel you are ready and also WANT to forgive him so you can say goodbye to that part of your life. Well even if you are under pressure, you don't need to forgive him. It is all up to you.

Well, at least you got an apology, you know, that is hard for people because when they apologize they give up control. UNLESS the apology is their path to gain control or an effort to gain access to victimize again.

You do "not" have to forgive OR forget. When someone apologizes that person doesn't have to get forgiven, that person has to "prove" it and depending on what that person did to you, that can take a long time.

I asked my abusive mother for an apology. "I'm sorry." That's all. She just looked at me.

My father apologized to me in his death bed. I was called, and convinced to go to see him. My husband, and i were there a couple of hours. My husband talked to him about god. A short time after that he apologized, then we left. He died a couple days later. To this day i don't have any idea what part of abuse or anything he was apologizing for. I try to believe it was for what he has done to me. I didn't see my mother before she passed, and the pain she caused me was far worse than my father, and she was ill for 2 years before she died. And for the past 2 years my oldest brother, who also abused me, has been living in my home bc of a injury, and has never apologized to me. The subject is never brought up. I always make sure i am completely dressed around him, i don't like him here, and he makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home, but i can't turn him out to the street. That i could never forgive myself for.

I would like to ask how and why it happened that this person "apologised" to you. Sounds to me as if this person somehow needs you today.