Afraid in the dark when three years old, at a closed hardware store-- dropped through the window and opened the door..... neighbors talk about the theft-- what kind of BAD person would go in when it's closed---...... not a good one--- sorry you don't make the grade.

Restrained as a child, over and over by someone stronger, asking for help through stomach cramps and nightmares-- but-- everyone's busy with bigger problems-- sorry you don't make the grade.

Off to a place called a library--at 7 she's never been. Riding with a neighbor and her daughters-- they show her the shelves and shelves of books-- can it be so? they tell her one can just take some home!! Wow!-- but wait... then she finds-- there is a special status one must have-- a library card gotten from your parent-- as she watches the girls take a stack home, she goes empty handed-- sorry-- you don't make the grade...

A gun to her back he invaded her "paradise"-- an empty weed filled lot-- asked her if she wondered what it would feel like to die-- four hours later, shaking and limp - go home to be told "come on get a grip, it's only a teenage boy not a man-- what a wimp you are"--- sorry you don't make the grade.

Sisters and brothers all busy and driving-- going to jail and unexpected arrivals-- her issues are way too small to bother-- sorry you don't make the grade.

Mother so threatened by daughters' skills-- she prohibits them from learning the things a young girl would like-- yet, neighbor girls come to be shown how to cook and sew and mother is awarded with cheers and kudos--- she is her child so-- sorry you don't make the grade.

One brother in-law practices his police holds from academy on her, much smaller. The favored sister needs a sitter-- at 15 she's driven to be alone with "him" for a short time-- Finally realizing-- it doesn't matter what happens-- because-- sorry know one cares- you don't make the grade.

A boy she meets at 16, simply must make the grade somehow.... he likes her she thinks..... just please him and maybe you'll "make the grade" and finally belong......but then.... told SHE'S ruined his life as she, with the heaviest heart she's known-- stops what's growing inside her... because-- sorry you don't make the grade.

Many many more times she won't make the grade-- she won't equal the value of others-- she'll be excluded....... exclusions are like huge weights on her legs as she hangs on with tired shaking arms-- trying to make the grade--- but she's failed again....... yet one more time, she somehow just wasn't of proper status...... she feels.... that familiar running sensation but-- not soon enough as it's been shown she doesn't make the grade--- hurts so very much.......
bye ....

[MyBestKids2]

I know only too well...

((((mandyfins))))))))))

she won't equal the value of others--

mandyfins

You are of great value to me.

You most certainly do equal the value of others, and most times surpass them.

Petunia takes little mandyfins by the hand and together they enter the library where they become best book buddies.

[gostryter]

(((((mandyfins)))))

i think you are of great value!!

((((bighugs)))))

[kimmydawn]

You are one of the most high quality, above grade, persons I know.

KD

[silentlyscreaming]

((((((((((mandyfins))))))))))
You offer everyone so much love and support.
I think you make the grade...........

[Neraklyn]

I am knew here so I apologize for butting in but my heart ached for your sadness and your words so well chosen so very descriptive show you would well make the GRADE!!! I betcha your a GREAT person....Nerak

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((((((( Mandyfins )))))))))))))))))))))))

That was so powerful. I'm sad for you though, and I relate to it too. You know what I noticed about all of the things you wrote about? It was never your fault. It's not about you not being good enough, or doing something wrong, or anything that you could control. All of those things are someone else treating you in a way that was so much less than you deserved. They had their various reasons for doing what they did. I'm sorry that they treated you the way that they did. You deserve so much better than that. It is okay to be angry, and you have every right to be. I hope that you can work through your anger, then let go of it so that you can get on with all the good things in life that you didn't get then, but now it's all up to you and you don't have to be a victim anymore.

Rap

The " status " in just a name. It doesn't mean nothing.

What is important is the heart of a person. The goodness it can bring, the harmony it can spread. The honesty in each word.

A person could have the " status " of a king but without it this person would be nothing.

You Mandy you have the greateast " status " of all because though my eyes you are my wonderful caring friend. You bring love while the " king " bring none.

(((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))

Love you!

[Fuzzybear]

You've been through so much dear Mandy. I'm so sorry that something has triggered pain and memories of such horrible abuse and neglect To me, you more than "make the grade".... you're one of the sweetest, kindest and most genuine people here, and a dear friend to me!!
I hope you don't go away

Mandy

[Evangelista]

Mandyfins

Eva

[bellaviolet]

((((((((((((((((((mandyfins))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry you have been through so much........ you must be so strong to still be fighting and that is worth alot.......

I love you my friend!

((((((((((Mandy))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I know only too well...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm sorry you know also....... it does hurt so much and many don't understand nor do they even want to....

thank you for replying, mybestkids2--

mandy

Thank you Tunia, for thinking good about me.

Things can come about that cause one's very old painful recordings to resurface and the only thing one can think to do is to protect oneself-- as no one else ever did.

I'm hurting so and don't want to feel I haven't any control over it-- like when I was little. I must take control for my own mental well being..... as hard as it may be.

You made "little mandyfins" smile at the thought of going to the library AND having a book buddy.
--thank you--

Exclusions and "secret groups" are so painful to me....... just can't be here anymore...... I've tried for over a year to get beyond it and keep going-- like Snoopy does in the Charlie Brown shows-- you know when the music gets real sad and then he tries with all his might to keep his chin up-- that's what I've been doing-- but-- it's just too hard... think I better go with Snoopy and crawl outside among the tall grass and weeds.......

Tunia--

mandy

Thank you gostryter, that's so very kind of you.

gostryter-

mandy

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Kimmy, you are always so kind. I appreciate your reply.

Kimmy-

mandy

Thank you silentlyscreaming. I sure do relate to your screen name. That's about the only kind of screaming I've ever done....*sigh*.....

thanks for your kind words.

silentlyscreaming-

mandy

[cjpandie]

Am I barging in or can I join your conversation?

Anyone and everyone is welcome to join, in my threads.

Welcome to Psychcentral cjpandie.

mandy

You are certainly NOT butting in, Welcome to Psychcentral. I appreciate your reply.

Thanks for your kind words.

Nerak-

mandy

Thank you Rapunzel for your insight and support.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It's not about you not being good enough, or doing something wrong, or anything that you could control. All of those things are someone else treating you in a way that was so much less than you deserved.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ... see- this is VERY difficult for me to understand. If only I would have "jumped through the hoops" in the right way, I too would have made the grade like the "golden sister" did. I wasn't disrespectful enough, I wasn't a "squeaky wheel", I didn't smoke at 10 years old, go out with college guys when I was 13 or get pregnant at 15. Those are the things my family liked-- then I'd have "made the grade". It's hard to see -- what you said-- it's not my fault. Seems it's always been my fault and still is.
My last T., I have a feeling, tried to get me to be angry-- I struggle to do that-- I rather quit therapy than get angry. I can get physically ill just thinking about getting angry.

And I would like to NOT be a victim anymore-- it's just so very hard. My birth family is still acting the same way--Like I'm the only offspring that lives near my mom-- the rest are at least 300 miles away-- and she still excludes me in her life unless she needs something from me-- like she if needs a favor or is in a crisis-- then she will get in touch with me- but until then-- I'm NOT to call her-- she will call me-- has never mattered what's going on in my life-- her life is the important thing......though with the help of my last T., I have distanced myself a little from family-- which has been a bit helpful.

I always appreciate your kind and helpful replies.

Rapunzel-

[Rapunzel]

It is hard to understand. Very hard. I understand that. But you can't change what someone else did (or didn't do). You can't change your mother now either. You can't change your own past decisions either, but if you could, would you want to change these things? Would it have been worth it to act like your sister did? Who would you rather be now - her, or you? You don't have to be a victim anymore, and I do understand how hard it is to stop.