Sorry -- you don't make the grade....

Mandyfins, I just read your initial post. It makes my heart heavy to know you have been through so much. I can relate to “not making the grade.” My life motto seemed to be “you’re not worthy.” They sound a lot alike. All through my childhood I was shown and told I was not good enough or that I was a source of shame. It is such a hard struggle to try to face all of it in therapy. You sound like a very strong woman—you have been put through so much and yet you are fighting to get better. Keep with it—keep fighting.

Your words are so kind and wise Time0-- thank you.

It's difficult to feel as important as those that reach a "status",in a situation that is based on support, when I have not. I don't understand why there is a need to have a "status" in the first place.. ..... this is just one of many things in my life that I don't think I'll ever be able to accept or be at peace with.

thank you again for your reply-- Time0-

mandy

Thank you freewill, for all the twirly hearts.

here's some for you too-- freewill--

mandy

Thank you Fuzzy. Such wonderful things you've said about me-- me? Thank you for your kindness and caring. I'm having rough "inner battles" lately--- taking so much of my energy..... so tired.....

Fuzzy-- thank you for thinking of me--

mandy

thank you Evangelista--

mandy

thank you for your reply bellaviolet.

I'm not sure about the idea that you say I must be strong...... I just learned from a toddler that "mandy" doesn't matter and what happens to her is like what happens to a chair or a curtain...... I denied-- feelings. chairs and curtains don't feel-- but what I wasn't prepared for was that those feelings can only be denied for so long.... (in my case anyway-- which was a VERY long time too).... and then they began to seep out, and not having dealt much with feelings-- I'm not so sure what to do about them.... it's confusing, in the sense that it's like-- I'm NOT myself anymore.... which is also a bit sccary.

well... went on a bit there.... sorry....

thank you for replying-- I appreciate it.

bellavoilet-

I like your questions Rapunzel-- they get the mind sprockets to start turning.-- they are hard questions....

It's a hard notion to grasp that-- I CAN'T change my mother now or ever....... I have always wanted her to love me like her "golden daughter" that she has always done so much for and the handful of neighbor girls she had such patience with in teaching them homemaker things...... see, I know and everyone else knows, she has it in her-- just NOT for me! or for the children she abused as a daycare provider.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Would it have been worth it to act like your sister did?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think, just maybe, it would have made me even worse -- as acting rebellious was totally out of character for me. so I postulate that doing such things would have spun me even further into my quagmire but then-- I'm not sure..... maybe letting others know I existed and was not down to such treatment-- would have given me stronger integrity.....?? I just don't know.....

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Would it have been worth it to act like your sister did?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Well, I have to say I am most relieved that I am not her-- as I don't have to look back and feel bad about how I treated anyone else-- so in that regard I would rather be me-- but on the other hand-- to this day-- she is "golden", the valued one of the family-- all other siblings cherish her along with mother. They all like her ability to degrade with wit, her sense of entitlement and her confidence that towers above the rest of us.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You don't have to be a victim anymore

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> You are right about that-- though-- when gathering with my birth family-- it is nearly impossible-- or is-- impossible-- to not feel those powerless, devalued feelings. And in a similar situation even not around my family-- those feelings take over before I even notice. (maybe that's part of a whole other subject-- personality disorder??... *sigh*...)

Well, thanks for replying to me-- you get me to think and I appreciate that--- I'm trying to not stay captive anymore in the "box" that was created for me in my childhood and that, as an adult, I've held myself in..... trying and trying.......

Rapunzel--

mandy

Thank you for your reply DepressMe.

I'm so sorry you've felt "you're not worthy" too-- it is so very hard.

yes, I relate to your childhood as well... not good enough, and a source of shame..... I do know those well-- and I'm sorry you do too.

Just for the record-- I didn't write all of the stuff from my past..... there are some things that I don't bring up-- I avoid the darkest.....

Thank you DepressMe--

mandy

what is it like to be in this mind of mine?.... I'll give a small glimpse of my struggles---

I don't know if this would trigger some-- so I used a trigger icon, just in case..........

**************************************

My mind sees the number of posts here and the number of views-- in the 300's!! ...... part A says-- "see, people find that you have value-- just look, they replied to you and many have read, which means they are interested"...... however-- part B says-- "over 300 people are looking AT YOU, how could you be so foolish, they're probably all laughing at you, didn't you learn anything from your past-- to keep your mouth closed??"

The side that wants to reach out and feel better-- against the side that is paranoid and used to hiding-- it's the way to not get hurt.

Most of my life I've relied on part B to keep me safe....... part A got me in trouble as a child and so I learned to not trust part A.... but..... been told by some T.s that things have been different-- as an adult-- just so hard to convince my inner self of that......

mandy ---number of posts and number of views...... ugh... will these EVER not bother me.......

((((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))

I miss you ((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))

Thank you so so much Time0.
not meaning to whine-- I'm just really struggling and am confused...... I..... I.... I'm feeling lost.
I wish I could figure things out ... .... which inner voice to listen to???

Time0-

mandy

I've only just seen this thread and I'm SO sorry for the way you were treated. I don't see how anybody could be laughing at you (your Part B inner voice that you learnt to listen to back then). Go with Part A, go with Part A!

thank you for your reply debbie.

seems at this moment I don't trust either part- A or B. *sigh*

I'm at a point I don't know where to turn... I'll just go hide.

mandy

Hopefully you're transitioning from B to A, and right now you're in the middle somewhere so that's why you feel lost.