finally told T

well i finally gave T a copy of some stuff i wrote which tells her about my issues in secondary school and some of the possibly abusive stuff that continually bothers me. gave it to her five minutes before the session was over and she spent that whole five minutes reading the one page document. she had obviously read it at least once and was re reading and re reading or just didnt know what to say. eventually i just said i was going to go since the session was over anyway and she sounded shocked and said ok and we would talk about it next week. i said maybe. then came straight home via the grocery store. half a bottle of wine and half a box of chocolates in 20 minutes isnt too much is it? its so %#@&#! up.

I understand. Hugs if ok. You were very very brave.

(((((((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))))

that first step has been taken, you were so brave to do that. Be proud of yourself, know that each time you get rid of even the smallest piece of information your load is becoming lighter. It's tough, but you will do it. Holding your hand sweetie, love you, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

((((((((( biiv )))))))))))

I'm very proud of you for being writing it all down and giving it to your t. Tht takes courage! Remember, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

Hugs,

Jan

I was told that this is called a "doorknob disclosure". Great name. Done it myself! My technique was to hand him notes as I pass by his chair on my way out. :-)

Good job, and lots of pats on the back to you. It takes SO much bravery to share yourself like that!

(((((((biiv)))))) taking that first step is a bear. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to do it. It took me literally years to do it myself, and it got worse before it got better, but now that it's over -- it was SO worth it. You can do this. We're here for you.

thank you. hugs are always good.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((jinny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you hon.

thanks jan
(((((((((((((((((jan))))))))))))))))))
i dont know if this was the right thing to do at all. at all. but i ll see i guess.

thanks campanula. totally understand the notes on the way out. like the name too. but a doorway to what!!??

thanks candybear ((((((((((((((((((((candy))))))))))))))))))))))))
as i said to jan above i really dont know if this was the right thing to do or even a good thing. its done now though.
i appreciate the support though.

A door way to feeling better. I did that myself, I couldn't find the words to tell him I was SA when I was young, so every session I would hand him a note on my way out for him to read, and then we would talk about it the next session.

I remember the feeling of doing it, I went from that was so stupid for me do, to I had to do it, to well if he doesn't call me and tell me my next session is cancelled I did ok!! It was the first step in my healing.......and the scariest but well worth it!!

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and good job!!!!

((((biiv)))) the more we open up and the more we out and sort thru....the less power it holds over us. you did a very brave thing and that took great strength. be proud of yourself and know that is the first step to reclaiming the power the past has held over you.

sending healing thoughts your way
recluse1

Biiv,

I tried to respond earler, but my cable went down.....& lost my response.....sorry.

I wanted to let you know how proud I am that you have taken this huge step. It is important to be able to put the thoughts down that are inside your head. The best thing is to write them down like you did because our minds don't always have the necessary thoughts when we are with our therapist. We have to catch them when they are there.....that is why writing them down when you have them is good.

I know it feels strange & we think that we should be talking things through, but there has to be a starting place for every thought & that in the only way there can be an entrance into what we are thinking. This is great because your therapist has a week to look over & think about an approach to working with you on what you wrote. If you have a copy, it might be a good thing to look over before your next meeting....that way you can take your mind back to where is was when you wrote the notes.

I'm sure there are many more thoughts floating around inside.......more writing when it happens will be a great method of working with your therapist. The important thing for each person is to figure out how they can best work in therapy....some can just talk....some are better at writting......you have to use the method of getting out your feelings & thoughts that works best for you.

Sounds like a wonderful breakthrough,
Hugz,
Debbie (adopted Mom)

PS: horses are doing much better.....horsey dentist was there & pulled a huge broken tooth, so Mister will be feeling much better when that heals.

i am really glad i gave it to her at the end because i couldnt have taken sitting there another second watching her not know how to react. for some reason i feel i put her in a terrible position. i feel like ive done something really really wrong.
im really not doing well right now. so tempted to cancel the next appointment myself. shes going away for four weeks in october though so if i cancel now thats probably going to be it. i ll never go back. i feel thats what i should do but i cant bare the thought of leaving things like this. its too dangerous for me right now to do that. i need to have at least a glimmer of hope that shes still there.
thanks for the hugs.
((((((((((((confused))))))))))))))))

either that or ive just let my total disgusting sickness and insanity out of the bag.
appreciate the thoughts and the hug.
(((((((((((recluse))))))))))))

grrrrrrrrrr bout your cable.
im really upset because i was trusting everyone here that ive heard say that Ts have heard so much before that they re unlikely to be shocked etc and then she was shocked.
i really dont want to get my head back to where it was when i wrote it. i just want to be unconscious. theres nothing but pain right now. in everything i do its pain. have no idea if or how im supposed to talk about any of it next week. i just dont know what to do about it. and this weekend from tomorrow til tuesday night i ll be staying with friends and going to have to act appropriately and pretend im having a good time. i really want to enjoy this weekend. ive been looking forward to it for ages. i just havent been able to enjoy anything for a while now. i seem to be totally disconnected. things are a bit unreal.
so glad about the horses though.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((debbiemom))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((biiv ))))))))))))

Don't cancel, go and see what happens. By giving her the note at the end of your appt, that will give her time to process the information you wrote and respond to you in a caring professional manner. What you did took alot of courage, she isn't going to see it any other way. You really don't want to go so long without seeing her and leaving this open like it is, I know I have done it and it plays out many roles in your head!!!

What you did is the best thing you could of given yourself, a chance to breath again!!! Lots of hugs your way, and remember that she is there to help you, she isn't going to hurt you!!! You contol how fast or slow you go through this part of disclosure, your memory isn't going to let more out then you can handle!!!!

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

biiv,

You wrote your truth. A T, like anyone else, may not react the way they should when they receive that truth, with the empathy and support that you deserve. That is one of the things that cannot be changed. But please take pride in breaking your silence this way. It is so important to move to a place where the secrets of the past are opened, because that is part of releasing the undeserved shame that we carry for the crimes of others. I hate to see you in so much pain right now, I really do. But I am proud of the incredible steps you have taken. No matter how others react to your truth, one thing cannot be taken from you, and that is that you have spoken out. You are breaking your silence and breaking the bond of shame.

be well,

mtd