was I raped?

I just wanted to say that I thought Spiritual Emergency wrote a really amazing post. Really sensitive and wise.

This isn't to invalidate your very real pain at all. I hope that you are able to get some support for your feelings around this.

I just think that we are heading in a dangerous place where the only legitimate reason for feeling painful feelings is abuse. Dangerous for society... Dangerous for the accused. And dangerous for those who weren't abused.

i'm sorry for posting...i shouldn't have bothered...%#@&#!

again:

this isn't to invalidate your very real pain at all. I hope that you are able to get some support for your feelings around this.

You don't have to call it 'rape' or 'sexual abuse' for your feelings to be valid...

'Cept of course that this is what society seems to be doing...

Sigh. I'm really not sure how that helps...

i think it would be good if you could talk to a councellor about it.

the continuing on drinking when you didn't really want to... the letting him kiss you (and kissing him back) because you felt sexually aroused (but didn't really want to aside from the feeling aroused part of that).

the... letting him have sex with you (when you didn't really want to) because...

you thought you needed to do that in order to spend time with him? to feel close to him? to feel special to him? to feel loved by him?

i've been there. thinking that i need to do stuff like that so people spend time with me and hang out with me and so they like me and stuff. it can be really hard. end up feeling dirty and cheap and used and disgusting. end up feeling that there is something really very wrong with me that i feel this way...

mostly it is about... not feeling loved enough as a kid. wanting (needing, craving) positive attention from a male. someone i look up to. a father figure kind of.

and from their perspective... well i think guys can be about as complicated as females sometimes. figure they have to perform (have to try and persuade a girl) because they wouldn't be looked up to as a man if htey weren't etc etc. it can be jolly complicated all round. and sometimes... it isn't until afterwards after we have had some time to process the situation that we figure out how we feel and we figure out that that didn't feel good at all.

so... i think it is understandable that you don't feel good. you did a whole bunch of stuff that you felt ambivalent about and in hindsight you really don't feel good about it at all. that doesn't mean that he raped you, but it does mean that you are figuring out some of your boundaries and limits and this little event gives you the opportunity to figure out what hte hell went on so it won't happen again - so that you won't feel like that again.

please talk to a councellor sweetie. it is understandable that you would be feeling badly about this.

i'm sorry - i hadn't read the whole thread - just most of it and i see why you were feeling upset in response to my post...

it sounds like things weren't going so well for you as you are kind of thinking that they were in hindsight. the restricted eating... the viewing him as a brother then staying and doing things you didn't feel comfortable with...

i can understand why you felt betrayed by him... someone who you thought would protect and look after you. and you ended up... realising that you had lost that. you wouldn't feel protected and safe about him anymore.

i think that this incident... has become a symbol of other stuff that would have been going on in your life well before that...

it could really help to talk to a councellor... about the eating... about the low self esteem...

thank you for your thoughts...i appreciate the follow ups

thats ok. i guess... i just think it matters more that you are feeling really traumatised by this. i... don't think that he did rape you - but i do think that it is really very understandable that you are feeling traumatised by what happened.

i really hope that you can talk to a therapist about this. sounds like you have a lot of pain and i don't think that that sounds silly or anything like that at all. hang in there.

how are you doing angel?

um... do you think you could find the courage to go talk to a councellor about this?

i'm concerned about you because this experience clearly was (understandably) traumatic for you and... the sooner you are able to process it with someone the less traumatised you are likely to end up feeling down the track...

angel

one thing i should of mentioned earlier was that i think the actual label of whether or not this was rape doesn't matter as much as how you feel about what happened. So many people have such strong opinions of whatthe definition o f rape is, it seems a useless arguement. If you are not going to the police then it really doesn't matter how you label the experience.

the bottom line is you were truamatized and you need help to deal with it . many here have suggested seeing a therapist but i would recomend some one who specializes in this kind of thing. after my incident i was really lost, friends and family didn't understand many were like "just get over it" It is not that easy , having someone train in this area can help you walk through your emotions and sort them out.

when listening to advice from others take it with a grain of salt. Everyone comes from a different background and experiences and opinions. Any advice you receive will be skewed towards that persons point of view. (including my own) i had a police officer who said i was just trying to get back at my husband when i tried to press charges. none of my friends understood, when my family finally found out , my dad wanted to kill him but counld not console me in the least. My mom thought it was my own fault somehow. Thigs were totally messed up .

The only comfort i found was in talking with other victims, and even then it was difficult because each persons experience varied so much.

try to take a step back and do what is right for you. although i would recommend getting professional help. Just make sure they are capable of giving th kind of help you need.

i really hope and pray you will feel better soon.
Linda

excellent post !!!

Angel - please make an appointment and keep that appointment so that you can heal from this experience.

If you had cut your hand and it was all red and swollen and causing you pain .. you would go to the doctors and get treatment. You are suffering inside and should not continue to suffer without reaching out for help from a trained professional.