[Mouse_]

I, I, am not sure if I should write this....I'm not sure why I want to write this...I'm not sure who is writing this...I watched a prog over here in the UK last night about a man who ended up on the streets, an alcoholic and drug addict...and it was his story told backwards...I never ended up living on the streets but did spend odd nights alseep on the street because I was to drunk....I still daydream about life on the streets...on a park bench...to me that feels right...I want to commit such violence and neglect to myself ....the prog showed how Stuart, the guy in the film lost his childhood innocence...his brother molested him and then invited a friend to join in and there is a scene where the friend walks in with a milk bottle in his hand...need I say more....I had a "friend" when I was a child that I so desperately needed for him to like me...to validate my existence on this planet..i was a lonely child...would wander the streets just chatting to people...I dont remember exactly how our game started...I guess maybe it started like all childrens "games" start...I was only about 7 and we'd walk down to the red light area and look at the sex mags in the windows...a time before they were banned from street display...I would get excited at the thought of marrying this boy when I grew up and be in doors waiting for him to have sex with me...I dont know why at these ages that was in my our minds...our game went on for 4/5yrs....all I remember is me smiling and standing still and allowing him to do whatever he wanted.........this is where I get stuck...I know there are monsterous feelings underneath this part but I will not let them surface..I believed I was enjoying this game as much as he...he was a manipulative child that have such a charming way about him but underneath that charming way was cruelity...he would stick anything dirty that came to hand inside my backside...and I would allow this...I was part of this....but why then do I feel like dying when I think about this? why is it something that I live with inside of me day and night?...why if so innocent does it not go away?...in the film stuart was asked if he could change on thing about his life what would it be? I asked myself that question and I always thought I'd answer...oh to have had my real mum keep me...its that I would want the yrs spent with this boy to never had existed...to take that part of my life away!...so big a part of my memory..sordid acts and sordid places....a emense feeling of utter loneliness and shame...and that part of me I want to destroy...why? how can a game go on for so long? why? I dont understand any of it..except I wanted to be loved....but so young to know so much? how come? this is the part of me I want to throw awy!...no more to be said...I am dirt

[lenjan]

((((((((Mouse)))))))) I'm so sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault, though. The need to be loved is a powerful one, and oftentimes little kids confuse love with stuff like that because they don't know any better and haven't had any good, loving role models to teach them the difference.

Please be safe. Keep writing if you need to. We'll listen.

Candy

[Mouse_]

Thanks candy for your post. I think I posted that this morning because I was just off out to my T session and was afraid if I bottled it all up till I got there, that I'd explode.

T says, I had no choice, I said of course I did, I could have walked away, she said no, I dont think you could have or was able to have.

I told her about my thoughts last night of "ending" it all, but I struggled also with the fact that I've been in T for 3yrs now, what would that all mean if I gave up now?

Though that doesn't make it easier. We talked some more about choice, she said I was able to make a choice last night when thinking about ending it and thinking about how far Ive come in 3yrs.

I saw then what choice feels like, I realised that Its true, I never had a choice before, my needs drove me on.

I've got to find a way to come to peace with all of this, as no one is going to trade in my life history for another one, my life story is my life story.

Who said life was meant to be peaches and cream? I guess no one ever did.

thanks for reading.

[Perna]

When I have bad, predominantly "physical" memories like that, instinctive, "natural", I do a bit of a separation of my "animal" self from "Me"? We are "part" animal and I think, at the ages you're describing, that was the majority of what you had available to you. Think about yourself when you were young and how you didn't have words or "thoughts" or many ways of coping with things? It's very very primitive but you were able to "care" for yourself, you survived and are here now (and I'm glad), dinged up a bit :-) but still moving forward to your true self/home.

Have you ever read any of Robert Cormier's books? The Chocolate War is his best known one I think? I read his book, I Am The Cheese and it's the only book I have ever read that I wish I hadn't read but I "had" to, it wasn't something I could put down, not finish, etc. But I also know that wishing I hadn't read it doesn't "undo" what I read, that's a part of me now and has to be integrated. Innocence has to be lost, I think. Otherwise we don't "grow up." We have to see some really ugly sights, realize some really unpleasant realizations, etc. as we go through life. That's a part of our lives.

Sorry you're working with an ugly spot now. Glad you see there wasn't a whole lot you could do about it. I'm glad you continued on your journey and have gotten "here" where I can benefit from your struggles too :-)

[pachyderm]

I AM a little crazy at times...

[Mouse_]

Perna, Thanks for you post, it is appriciated at this moment in time. Hey I love the pix, I'm guessing its wee perna?

Pachyderm, thanks

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time with all of the questions that you are having to explore at this age.Sometimes when you age then you tend to look back on things when you were younger, and feel that you should have been stronger as a young person and have been able to protect yourself. First of all if you were not aware that what was going on was not something you should have been doing, then you had no way to need or want to protect yourself. It is only when you get older and realize GEE why didnt I try to help myself at that time. Unfortunately with abused people the love and attention sometimes becomes distorted, and the intent and failure to understand becomes very confused and the person just learns to accept rather than be hurt emotionally. I can imagine that you are very consumed with the thought that there should have been something you could have done to stop things or protect yourself, but in all innocence you did not know to protect yourself. It is very hard to heal the pain of the past when you are still looking for the answers that you feel should have lied from within when you were younger. I agree with your therapist that you could not help yourself then because help was not needed from your interpretation of what was happening at the time. Now I am sure it looks totally different since you have the means to help yourself to see what was happening when you were younger, and you can see clearly that it was not a good situation, but at that time you did the best with the decision making, and coping skills that you had at that time. Fortunately at this time you have more coping skills and more comprehensive recognition of right and wrong, and you should not try if possible to compare situations since you did the best you could do at that time, and if you are safe at this time and making better decisions, then hopefully in time you will understand that you were not thoroughly in control at your age of the situation. You can not be expected emotionally to make Adult decisions at a young age, and understand everything at the age that you were when all of this happened. Hopefully one day you can get past some of this and try to stop comparing then to now. The past is sometimes something that can not be redone and sometimes that is a good thing. Take care Mouse. Soidhonia

[Mouse_]

Yeah I think I see more now how if my childhood was repeated again, just as it was, I'd still get involved in "that" situation, I had no other option, no where else to go to be liked. I think I've been trying to change my childhood, trying to create a story that wasn't mind, which makes what happened feel even worse because I'm adding additional love which wasn't there then, coz if it was then I wouldnt have needed to try and get it in that dysfunctional mannor. If that makes sense.

Anyways thanks

[Soidhonia]

(((MOUSE))). I am sorry that you are struggling with your past. I do understand what you are saying by repeating the same mistakes, as in the past, but you are in a safer place now to make the correct decisions and not let the past play a part in your future that would make your future unsafe. Fortunately there are many people that love and respect you at this time in a safe manner to allow you to escape even temporarily from the dysfunction that you went through when you were younger. The pain may still be there from the past, but you can have some moments of happiness in knowing you have many friends and acquaintences that cherish you no matter what happened in your past, because you are a kind and rewarding person. Sometimes it is just about seeing that what you get in a safe manner is what you deserve, and that love and respect is a give and take proposition and that the past can not keep other people from feeling that you are a deserving, kind and considerate person and giving you the freedom to express yourself in a safe and positive and assured manner. You have many friends that understand and are willing to help you when needed and that is something the past can not stop or damage. I hope things get better for you soon (((MOUSE))). Take care and PM anytime. Soidhonia