I might have ruined my sister's life

I feel SO guilty and hopeless right now...

A little background: We're my little sister and me vs. the world. When we were kids, we lived in constant fear thanks to our beloved abusive father. He had some anger management issues, he still has these but not like then, so he used to vent his anger upon us in any way possible. Trashing, flogging, threats, verbal abuse, etc. They were the tip of the iceberg, the ordinary ways in a soab's daily methodology. But what happened between my sister and me is what's important in here.

The thing is I was the one who felt the weight of my father's wrath. It didn't matter what it was, it was my fault. So, I isolated myself, but I failed to see she was hurting too. She suffered every time I was in trouble (which was all the time), I see that now, and I was so busy being a self-centred twit that I forgot to provide her with some emotional support after all we've been through... She was a victim of this abuse as well... And I kept pushing and pushing and pushing her away... and now I'm afraid I haven't shown her the bright side of a man: Abusive parenting, neglected brotherhood. What a movie! Sounds like the shittiest future for me, especially when everything she's ever wanted is to be my friend. She almost worships me to the point of annoyance and I haven't been a good brother a single day. That's it, I said it. I mean, yes! my life is a ****ing mess, but hers... it doesn't have to be like mine, full of darkness, hopelessness, and self-abuse. I love her. I know she's the best and that she deserves better. WAY better. I keep picturing her in 10 years (she's just 16 now), living all by herself, in the worst conditions (if you knew how she is today! all abandoned and stuff), with a PIECE OF SH as her boyfriend or WORST, husband... Repeating the cycle of self-hate... Oh, GOD, what have I done?!

F... I AM SORRY. I AM VERY VERY SORRY.

Apologize and spend some quality time with her. I appreciate my youngeer brother and sister more at 53 than I did in my youth. It's never to late to improve your relationship with her.

I don't know the difference in age between the two of you, but I definitely understand the situation.

My sister is 3 years older than me. Our mother was emotionally neglectful and abusive since I can remember. Sis moved out at 18, in with a bf. Then, out of state. As far away as possibly while still in the US. She married a man, that everyone could see was not going to work, they divorced, she found someone that she really seems to love and loves her, but I can see a dynamic that I may be the only one that can see it. They married a year and a half ago.

Me, 34 years old, still living with our mother, on disability due to trauma disorders, can't afford to support myself. I feel like my sister abandoned me. We never talked about it. I've had relationships get abusive and didn't leave because I didn't think I deserved any better or that was just what it was supposed to be like.

I wonder, I've seen videos and stories of father daughter date night, in healthy families... could you take her to coffee or a movie? I read, maybe in btwn the lines, that you want to show her what a genuine man does, and how they treat a woman... you can still do that. She may be mad, yes, and she may want to yell at you. If that is the case, sit, let her, and say I'm sorry to her and ask her what she wants for you to make up the pushing away. She needs to see that she can express how she feels without getting hurt. Don't let her become an adult and think that anything is better than being in that house. Show her that men are not all like your father.

I think posting here is a major step! You obviously care about her, and hopefully she can see or understand (one day) that you pushed her away in an attempt to save her from some of that abuse. You weren't abandoning her, in my eyes at least.

Perhaps you could go into therapy together. you didn't do anything wrong; you were a child.

Hi lowpoint

I am sorry that you went through what you did with your father
But, I'd say that this: "......She almost worships me to the point of annoyance........" says much, much more than you credit it for
To me, this says that you weren't the sort of brother you seem to be perceiving yourself as..........and naturally abuse (the kind of abuse you went through!!!) can distort your thinking about yourself, have you seeing yourself in the most negative light...........but I seriously doubt that your sister saw you that way

And some self compassion, hey??!!
It might be easier to look back now and think "Why didn't I say.........to her............do..........for her" but........you were being abused. Sometimes you don't even know what to say to yourself to make things a little better, let alone to someone else.........sometimes you just want/need to pretend that it isn't so bad...........sometimes you feel you just have to accept what is going on...........sometimes you feel you just need to be away from anyone/everyone..........sometimes you've barely got enough emotional strength for yourself nevermind others............right??
And those things can be the case after the abuse has ended too..........

So just as the abuse wasn't your fault, so is the fact you weren't able to do more for your sister

And now.........well I'd say that it's great that you want to be there for her, so try not to let anything, including guilt you don't deserve, stand in the way of that, hey??!!



Alison

This is very moving for me, I can relate a lot.. Only that I was the younger one. I'll be off for a week now, but afterwards I would love to discuss this with you.

I've tried to talk to her but she wouldn't let me. Her position is that there's no reason to talk about this because nothing has happened. She didn't need my help or anything because she's strong and blah blah. Independent and stuff... Well, will see how things go.

Sure thing. Please contact me anytime.

Sorry, it has taking me so long to reply, but it's better now with a bit of distance.

You said "She almost worships me to the point of annoyance". Well, this is what I did with my 4 years older brother. He was the only halfway sane person in this family. In particular he was the only one in this house who was somehow predictable and "logical" in his behavior. So, I think I quite clutched to him as a mother/father surrogate and today I believe this applied extra pressure to him that he couldn't handle. He was older than me, but still a kid and then a teenager. He would have needed an older person himself to take care of him and to lean on. Instead he even had a younger brother to take care of.

In my early 20s I had a girlfriend who was an adult child of alcoholics. This relationship was a huge love/hate thing full of emotions and it didn't last very long. Only today I see the connection. She grew up in a house where her father was almost always away for work and her mother was already passed out on the sofa when she came home from school. Empty bottles and full ashtrays on the tables. She went through teenage age without a mother to support her about the girly stuff going on. But on top on that she had a younger sister clutching on the tip of her skirt as we say over here.

Well, I guess we both were looking for a parent surrogate in each other and were both disappointed about not getting it AND being annoyed about being supposed to BE a parent surrogate for the other.

As for today, my brother has started his own family and has completely removed me from his life. He has been living in his house for a good 10 years now and has never invited me to come over. He never tells me anything important on the rare occasions we talk and he doesn't want to know anything what's going on in my life. I'm late 40s now and I am really not aware that I did anything wrong to him in the past 20 years or so. So, I have to assume that it has to do with our common childhood that he doesn't want to have me anywhere around.

However, he is in complete denial about it and acts totally surprised and annoyed that I also don't call him anymore. He was thoroughly p***ed that I didn't show up for his 50th birthday party. But I thought yeah right, I'm going to drive 600 miles for a party where I hardly know anybody and he wouldn't have hardly 2 minutes for me. What's the point? But maybe there were some annoying questions from others where his brother was, who knows. But I will leave it there, probably better this way. I'm not mad at him or anything, but I'm not willing any longer to talk to a wall of silence and denial. This was almost the worst about this family, that on top of all that I permanently got invalidated about my feelings by pretending that nothing had happened. I will never again let anybody to this to me. I'm always willing to talk, but not on a fundament of lies and denial.

Well, this is my story. About yours, I don't know what I could suggest you to do. It's only maybe that if you are available for her now and just talk to her on a regular basis this could be helpful and then see what happens.

All the best luck!

Thank you very much for sharing.

I think we have our stories flipped. As I've said back then, F has been reluctant to admit any of this, from her incapability to cope with life properly and my role in this distressful situation because that would mean that she cares about me way too much, and knowing her as I know me, she will think caring portrays some level of weakness.

From my perspective as the older between the two, as I have older sisters myself, I would be inclined to think that perhaps the reason your brother has been very distant the last years is that he feels very guilty and somehow responsible for everything that has happened to you, the fact that he couldn't save you. That would certainly make me feel in denial since I shouldn't have had any reason to protect her from our own family in the first place! All that untreated anger and indignation against a parental figure that I had to redeem and fail...

Still, I hope things work out for you. Whatever reason (he thinks) he has to push you away doesn't worth it—hopefully, he'll realise that soon. I don't know what I'd do without my sisters. They're everything to me.

I agree on this—and you should try it too. Everyone breaks. Cheers.

In a way, yes, but maybe not completely. The one thing is, that both my brother and me are handling our lives relatively well, even though we both not extremely happy. And the other thing is, that I don't think he is feeling guilty, but rather has hidden aggressions against me from early on.
But at the end it doesn't really matter. I'm always sad and jealous when I see siblings who are getting along with each other very well, and in particular have somebody who they can 110% rely on. You can't have it all, I guess.