Constantly at the end of my rope (long post w pagebreaks)

As the title says, I'm constantly at the end of my rope. Well, nearly. When I'm not, it's most likely because I unconsciously repress my bad memories, therefore don't remember what it is to be on the end of my rope about. On the off chance I'm not unconsciously repressing memories or unable to cope, I get hopeful and force myself to cope and be okay so I can work towards a better future.

My parents and older sister have been abusive towards me my whole life, with fluctuating types of abuse, now it's only gaslighting and emotional abuse because they know they can't get away with the other stuff anymore. My father used to neglect me and my medical needs really badly and called me a hypochondriac. Which has effected me getting medical attention for myself- delaying the few times I should have called an ambulance, and making me feel like maybe I am just making it up (even if there is evidence of me being unwell right in front of my face)

There's a lot of info under the trigger box, but you can skip it if you feel like, as it's mostly details. (I feel obligated to explain myself more, because a lot of people just don't believe me if I say words like "abusive" and "gaslighting", so I explained more even though I know I probably shouldn't have to.)



Even though I'm afraid of my father and sister, and the things they've done to hurt me physically and verbally are terrible, things are worse with my mother. She's relentless and our relationship is bad to the point where any kind of argument, even if it's over something really small, will send me into a haze where I won't stop thinking about killing myself for a long time. She treats me so terribly when she's in a bad mood and when she gaslights me that I'm effected for days after where I feel hopeless, angry, and suicidal.

Things will often turn into arguments with her, but I don't like to call it that because tbh most if not all of the time that happens I'm actually defending myself. And if I was wrong, I do acknowledge it and apologize and make sure to try not to do it again, but she (like my father and sister) won't acknowledge what she did/ said to hurt me. Or on the off chance she does, she will negate her apology by making excuses and putting blame on me as if I was the only person at fault.

If you haven't read what's under the trigger box, there have been two or three incidents in the past few years where she nearly physically hurt me, the last time I remember her actively physically hurting me is when I was a kid. Though it's not a lot at all, when it does (almost) happen it's very intense. My father hasn't hurt me in about a decade, and the last time my sister assaulted me was four years ago. There have also been moments where I question if my mom sexually assaulted/harrassed me, but I never really know if it counts or not.

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I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I'm disabled and can't get a job, though I'm on social security disability I don't think it's enough to live off of if I got an apartment by myself and with my two pets who I literally can't live without. I don't know anything about how to move out on your own, how to get credit if you're too poor for a credit card, I need to learn how to drive though my disabilities have put that on hold for a long time.

Plus I'm agoraphobic. I'm terrified of being in public by myself, even sometimes places that I frequent like the grocery store. I'm afraid of and stressed out by being in public with my family, too, though. I know deep down that when I'm on my own, I'll eventually be able to do things in public without being afraid. I know I'll be able to feel safe frequenting local grocery stores and libraries. But I've never ridden public transport by myself, and though I know there's guides I'm afraid for my physical safety every time I leave the house. Such terrible things have happened at home, I know the possibility of it worsening while I'm by myself in public is worse.

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I want to find a GOOD therapist so I can work through these things, but I'm afraid of my mom knowing because she likes to rub in my face that she thinks I need psychiatric help and I also don't want to give her the satisfaction. Also, my last therapist enabled my mother's behavior towards me and legally breached my confidentiality as an adult when my mom called her during the time in 2014 with my mother that I mentioned under the trigger box. They talked about the situation and my therapist told me she said to my mom "well ___ believed it happens so you have to function in your relationship with [her] as if it were true". My mom's gaslighting got worse after that, and when I told my therapist she was like "what gaslighting?". Literally after going to her for sessions for three years, talking about the gaslighting and emotional abuse my mom's put me through, and even me calling it that out loud, she said that. I got up and left and never went back to therapy since.

I also know that when I live by myself, I won't have to clean up after my siblings who don't do it themselves, I won't have to be the only child doing chores because my parents let it slide that my siblings don't. The only person I'll have to clean up after is me, and my pets if I can financially afford to take them with me. I look forward to that. But I'm terrified of being lonely. Every single day, I go through cycles of being abused and trying to cope afterwards, my cptsd makes it harder to cope, end every single day and night I go through cycles of thinking:

"I need to leave now. I can do this. I can't do this. I'm terrified of leaving and being alone in the world. I'm terrified of not having something to ground me because that's when psychotic episodes happen. I don't know HOW to move on my own, look for an apartment or survive on my own. I'll figure it out. As long as I can cope now and prepare I'll be okay when I do leave."
Then I'll be abused again or reminded of how terrible my life is and it repeats.

I read guides but I honestly need help in real life. and I know there are resources like homeless shelters but that's not an option for me. I just don't know how to access these resources or where to find them in the first place. I need help getting help. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop where I'm just wasting my life away until I can leave. I also feel like, given the past, it's obvious I can't make any life changing decisions that have positive outcomes. There's so many things for me to consider before moving out and I need to make sure I cover all my bases because I never want to come back here. I don't know where to go for help with this, and I don't know how to cope better in the mean time.

Bunny--
I read the whole thing. Sounds so traumatic and awful. Since you can't drive, if you eventually move out, you will need to live in a city that has decent public transportaon. There are many young people today who can't afford a car. When I worked in a call center, many of my coworkers commuted via the bus--occassionally, they needed some good rain gear. Keep researching your options, maybe research about if their is a city in Texas that has subsidized housing that you qualify for or perhaps look for a roomate. I know your anxiety and all the rest makes it scary to take chances but you need to try. Seeking therapy is a good idea--there are some therapists who might be able to help you take the chances you need to take in order to get on with your life. If you have been on disability for 2 years, you may have Medicare (I think it pays 80% of the cost for therapy) and you also might qualify for Medicaid, food stamps and a free phone (https://howtogeton.wordpress.com/). You might qualify to get aide to return to school also (https://fafsa.ed.gov/). My hope for you it is that you find more help. You would not be taking advantage of the system. If you qualify then use the system to help you heal. You probably have so much potential once you recover from this trauma.
It must be so hard to live amongst people who hurt you so much and will not admit how much they hurt you. I am sorry this happened to you. <<hugs>>

This truly breaks my heart.

First, I would like to say thank you for being brave enough to post this. It's never easy dealing with any abuse--especially from the people who are supposed to love you and care for you. You are in a community on here where you are free to express yourself without fear of retribution. I'm hoping by you posting this and the reaponses you feel a sense of empowerment and validation in regards to expressing your feelings after recognising them. There's a lot of pain in this post, and unfortunately I relate too well to not only your situation, but how you are coping with it.

Second, one of the first things I would do is establish housing. Living on your own can be very, very scary. I imagine with your anxiety and agoraphobia, it can be tricky to make and maintain healthy platonic relationships. People are hard to trust, but know that that doesn't apply to everyone. You can apply for housing through your city or save your money to move to a better city where there is public transportation and housing. Because you are disabled, you will be at the top of the waiting list for housing.

There are some resources you should check out (will message you them because they won't post. Grr.)

I agree that going to school is a brilliant idea. That's what I did when the abuse at home got so bad. I branched out and made friends who stuck with me at the time. Did they back stab me? Yes. But in the end, I suspect I am much better off than they ever were and ever will be. Try to find like minded people wherever you go. I cannot walk into a grocery store without my boyfriend by my side. It is terrible. But he is like me and we make a great team. College will help you branch out, even if you aren't sure you can do it, try.

In truth, the world is a big and scary place, but you are your worst enemy. The people closest to you often do more harm than good. That's not a good family to have--gaslighting and assault. No. You have recognised that you need help. That is great! Now, commit to going about it. Try to. I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. It makes me sick and angry, you deserve so much better. Keep your chin up, buttercup and stay strong.

I read both your responses, went to the links (and saved them) and got overwhelmed, so I didn't check back here till now.
I need help, the thing happened again where I just let myself be abused, ignored my feelings and isolated myself, and then the other half of the time I forgot about it without meaning to and now I'm stuck again. I can't stop having flashbacks and I'm trying to think with a level head and absorb all your words and kind responses but it's really hard to face the reality of my situation, and I can't stop crying. All the options I have run through my head and I can't help but mentally go over each end every possible thing that can happen....

I want to try finding a therapist but I'm not sure how much good it will do while I'm stuck here. I don't know if I should call a therapist for ptsd and agoraphobia, or try contacting my local domestic violence shelter for a counsellor. Because I don't just need therapy- I need help figuring out how to budget, manage my time, how to do everything an adult should know before they leave the house. and I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford even low income housing, a phone bill and internet, and I don't know if I'll be able to take my dog and she's the only being that can ground me and make me feel a sense of purpose. I'm really scared and don't know what to do first, and I just can't stop crying

Also, the kicker is that my mom works for a volunteer group that helps one of the local DV shelters so I emotionally feel like it's not an option even if it may have good resources.

I think I need someone to like... hold my hand through this and guide me because I'm so lost and I don't trust myself to make the right decision. And to be honest I feel like I'm living the same day over and over again because of how isolated I am, because of my disabilities, and because of the abuse and memory problems.
Would it be better to get a therapist, and try signing up for some online and in-school community college classes, even though It's really hard for me to function because of fibromyalgia? Or would it be better to leave first?

tw rape:

I wish I could offer more, but all I have is being here for you. When you want to talk, I'll be here for you.

At the very least, maybe talking about it more will empower you and help you get further in life.

You can call the National Domestic violence hotline, and they can help you. xo

Oh Bunny,I so identify with you;please get away no matter the cost. You can't get well if you are still breathing in the
same poison you did as child. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING
FOR! You are all little Bunny has; FIGHT!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE