[abused49]

To Mom,
I lived with self hatred long enough. You abused me physically and emotionally.
You had my brother hold me down while you beat me.
If the police hadn't showed up because of me being black and blue daily I doubt I would be here today.
I don't think I can ever forgive you or even send you this.
You told me you drank because of me.
You gave me presents then took them away and gave them to my brother.
You said I was a rotten kid and at least my brother turned out good.
How can you tell a 12 year old this...
Your last words to me "A mother bird throws a baby bird out of the nest, it either lives or dies. Good Bye." and you kicked me out at 17.
You have spoken bad of me to anyone that will listen.

Why didn't you love me even a little? I tried so hard.

You will be happy to know my life has not been a pleasant one:
I have had every addiction imaginable.
I deal with suicidal thoughts and self hatred daily.
I am insecure and antisocial.
I almost never leave the house.
I feel ugly on the inside and the outside.
I have never found love and can't even keep a friend.
I am alone.
This should give you comfort that you did indeed give me what you thought I deserved.

I am still traumatized to this day, so many years later.
I will no longer be a victim.
I will exist even though you wish I didn't.
I will find happiness even though you don't think so.
I will find love even though you don't think so.

Your Son

[Vaporeon]

It's 1:30 AM here so I apologize if I don't make sense, but I wanted to reply to your post so that you know you are heard. You're not the awful things she said about you. You're stronger than you think. You survived terrible abuse and what she did to you wasn't right or normal behavior. You don't have to forgive her if you don't want to.

You posted "I will no longer be a victim." Let that be your mantra. Refuse to give up. Keep posting on the forum. You deserve to find your voice and your power.

[88Butterfly88]

First off, welcome to Psych Central. Second, so sorry to hear this.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by abused49

To Mom,
I lived with self hatred long enough. You abused me physically and emotionally.
You had my brother hold me down while you beat me.
If the police hadn't showed up because of me being black and blue daily I doubt I would be here today.
I don't think I can ever forgive you or even send you this.
You told me you drank because of me.
You gave me presents then took them away and gave them to my brother.
You said I was a rotten kid and at least my brother turned out good.
How can you tell a 12 year old this...
Your last words to me "A mother bird throws a baby bird out of the nest, it either lives or dies. Good Bye." and you kicked me out at 17.
You have spoken bad of me to anyone that will listen.

Why didn't you love me even a little? I tried so hard.

You will be happy to know my life has not been a pleasant one:
I have had every addiction imaginable.
I deal with suicidal thoughts and self hatred daily.
I am insecure and antisocial.
I almost never leave the house.
I feel ugly on the inside and the outside.
I have never found love and can't even keep a friend.
I am alone.
This should give you comfort that you did indeed give me what you thought I deserved.

I am still traumatized to this day, so many years later.
I will no longer be a victim.
I will exist even though you wish I didn't.
I will find happiness even though you don't think so.
I will find love even though you don't think so.

Your Son

This sound like me all the time. This is what my mom did to me. She blamed me everything that my sibling did. She had control my life to where I no longer have life. She was insanely jealous of me.

[abused49]

I actually feel better getting this off my chest.

Not sure why but I expected others to criticize or make fun me for this.

I had a real smile today for the first time in years.

Maybe admitting that it was not my fault is the first stage in healing the pain.

[magicalprince]

Hey abused49,

Reading this made me feel sad. I was not abused in the same manner but my mom was abusive towards me as well. I think it's hard for most people to understand how much it hurts a child to be abused by your own mother. The person who gave you life, who you once were completely dependent upon. It's a kind of betrayal that is very hard to heal.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by abused49

Your last words to me "A mother bird throws a baby bird out of the nest, it either lives or dies. Good Bye." and you kicked me out at 17.

You lived.

(Actually, most mother birds do not throw their children out of the nest. But that is another story.)

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by abused49

To Mom,
I lived with self hatred long enough. You abused me physically and emotionally.
You had my brother hold me down while you beat me.
If the police hadn't showed up because of me being black and blue daily I doubt I would be here today.
I don't think I can ever forgive you or even send you this.
You told me you drank because of me.
You gave me presents then took them away and gave them to my brother.
You said I was a rotten kid and at least my brother turned out good.
How can you tell a 12 year old this...
Your last words to me "A mother bird throws a baby bird out of the nest, it either lives or dies. Good Bye." and you kicked me out at 17.
You have spoken bad of me to anyone that will listen.

Why didn't you love me even a little? I tried so hard.

You will be happy to know my life has not been a pleasant one:
I have had every addiction imaginable.
I deal with suicidal thoughts and self hatred daily.
I am insecure and antisocial.
I almost never leave the house.
I feel ugly on the inside and the outside.
I have never found love and can't even keep a friend.
I am alone.
This should give you comfort that you did indeed give me what you thought I deserved.

I am still traumatized to this day, so many years later.
I will no longer be a victim.
I will exist even though you wish I didn't.
I will find happiness even though you don't think so.
I will find love even though you don't think so.

Your Son

If I didn't know better, I could have wrote this note. Only with a few differences. I had been sexually abused also, by members of the family, while my mom looked the other way.

[abused49]

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

You don't have to forgive her if you don't want to.

I felt Free when I read this. I always thought in the back of my mind I had to forgive her. I don't have to forgive her.

How do you heal? A therapist, life coach or psychiatrist?

Are their any good books on healing from abuse?

I feel I am not alone right now because you all have made me feel so much better on Christmas Eve.

Thanks.

[gmts]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

I think it's hard for most people to understand how much it hurts a child to be abused by your own mother. The person who gave you life, who you once were completely dependent upon. It's a kind of betrayal that is very hard to heal.

Amen to that. In my case it wasn't as horrible as desribed by @Abused47, but it is incredibly painful. My mother had never been loved by her mother and her way to compensate was to try to keep me a little helpless child who depended on her. She was a good, caring mother when I was a little kid, but she just couldn't stand me growing up and becoming autonomous. Now, this is probably a bit difficult for even the healthiest mother to realize she is no longer needed by her children, but my mother really held on to it and she forced it by screaming and yelling and playing games and just not stopping however firm I stood upon her. By now I realize that she really needed this ego boost of being needed and being in control of someone just as much as an alcoholic needs the bottle, no kidding. And this is where "caring" becomes abuse. However, a very covert type of abuse (as opposed to sexual or physical abuse) and it went along with a lot of gaslighting.

But the point is that even that by now I about understand what happened, I also feel very, very betrayed and I still don't know how to heal from that.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by gmts

But the point is that even that by now I about understand what happened, I also feel very, very betrayed and I still don't know how to heal from that.

Haven't you answered your own question?

"By now I realize that she really needed this ego boost of being needed..."

She was the one in need, and one feeling betrayed...

Once you realize that, I think you can start to heal, yes? With insight, you can not follow the same path...

[gmts]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Haven't you answered your own question?

"By now I realize that she really needed this ego boost of being needed..."

She was the one in need, and one feeling betrayed...

Once you realize that, I think you can start to heal, yes? With insight, you can not follow the same path...

Well ... understanding what actually happened is most definetely helpful. But there is a LOT of grieve about it in me and I can feel the pain physically right now writing those lines. I guess I have to really cry it out ...

[pachyderm]

Feeling is good.

[gmts]

I'm just reading John Bradshaw's book "Family secrets" and came across this paragraph:

"If a mother disdains her own dependency needs, she projects her feeling of dependency onto her child, rewarding the child only for being dependent and helpless and withdrawing her love when the child shows signs of autonomy and independence.
The mother needs the child to stay dependent in order to avoid having to accept and deal with own morbid dependency needs."

I've been feeling it was like this for quite a time but reading in clear text was (and still is) like a punch to the stomach. To really fully acklowedge that it wasn't only "annoying" but clearly abuse. By the own mother. And remembering how brutally and mercilessly she did it ignoring any "no". Right now it really hurts a LOT!!!

[gmts]

Oh BTW, I didn't mean to "hijack" this thread, sorry ...

[Open Eyes]

"If a mother disdains her own dependency needs, she projects her feeling of dependency onto her child, rewarding the child only for being dependent and helpless and withdrawing her love when the child shows signs of autonomy and independence.
The mother needs the child to stay dependent in order to avoid having to accept and deal with own morbid dependency needs."

What is important to understand about this is that often mothers don't do this intentionally. They genuinely don't understand child development and what they should do to HELP their child during each stage of development and that the most important thing they need to do "for" their child is help the child develop their OWN identity and feel SAFE to do so. The other thing mothers fail to understand is how she will be the first one the child will test and her reaction will help the child understand what that child will not get away with. The teen years are typically the hardest in that again the mother/parents get tested first. This is when the mother has to have skills where she can engage her child in conversations about these tests and in turn this helps the child develop skills to do the same as they interact with others including their piers.

The main focus is on gaining more and more skills to become more independent, not be dependent on the mother where the mother is some kind of ruler all the time that takes their child's self respect away constantly. Sadly a lot of mothers have no education when it comes to learning "how" to raise a healthy child.

All the things you and the OP have shared reflect just how little your mothers actually knew about raising a child. This is why even now years later these same mothers continue to blame and fault, it's still showing their lack of knowledge.

Unfortunately, a lot of women had children simply because "it's what comes next", they literally have no clue what to do once they have this huge responsibility.

When I had a child I read everything I could get my hands on about child development. Today there is a lot more information as we have gained in our understanding about brain development and stages of development.

[gmts]

Open Eyes, I agree with all you say. However, what happened to me was not about "not knowing better". This wasn't about my well being (done right or wrong), but about her well being. And if you tell her to stop her behavior ever so clearly and firmly and she mericlessly holds on to it, then it is abuse.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

You lived.

(Actually, most mother birds do not throw their children out of the nest. But that is another story.)

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by gmts

Open Eyes, I agree with all you say. However, what happened to me was not about "not knowing better". This wasn't about my well being (done right or wrong), but about her well being. And if you tell her to stop her behavior ever so clearly and firmly and she mericlessly holds on to it, then it is abuse.

So, you are saying that your mother doesn't understand that you don't need her to praise when you accomplish simple things anymore and when you try to tell her that she gets offended instead of actually hearing you and making an attempt to correct her behavior?

Is her praise condescending?

[gmts]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

So, you are saying that your mother doesn't understand that you don't need her to praise when you accomplish simple things anymore and when you try to tell her that she gets offended instead of actually hearing you and making an attempt to correct her behavior?

Is her praise condescending?

This isn't about "praise", it is about the opposite. At my mid 40s she has to explain to me over and over again how to use the local train. As if I was 8 years old and had never done it before. Which is completely ridiculous and bizarre. And when I tell her, that I know it myself she is not offended, she just ignores me and starts over again and again and again. It is completely ridiculous.

The thing is that she WANTS me to be 8 years old and helpless and dependent. And she just ignores any objection as if I was speaking a foreign language.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by katydid777

If I didn't know better, I could have wrote this note. Only with a few differences. I had been sexually abused also, by members of the family, while my mom looked the other way.

It is hard not to be angry. But the first step is to admitted that was not your fault. That you aren't the blame. It is your mom fault and she is the blame. The second step is to admitted that you angry and why do you feel angry and what can do with your anger? Writing about, taking a yoga class or martial class, or doing meditation. Or just buying something for yourself.