[TryingToCope]

When I was 7, my oldest brother who was 16 at the time, began making me perform oral sex on him. All these years later it has come back to haunt me. I don't understand why it is bothering me so much now. I feel sick when the memories come back. It feels like it is happening all over again. I hate the feeling. I just want them to stop. I need to know, would this be considered sexual abuse, when my brother was only 16 at the time?

[lenjan]

It doesn't matter how old he was, it was definitely sexual abuse. Siblings are not supposed to do that to each other, not to mention that you were very much younger than he was and he took extreme advantage of you.

Do you have a T to help you work this out?

((( Trying )))

Yes. That would definitely be considered abuse. I'm so sorry that happened.

The following article is very informative BUT it might be majorly triggering so caution to anyone who might be reading.









The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse On an Adult Survivor

http://www.coolnurse.com/sexual_abuse_adult.htm

Source: Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc

Any sexual contact between a child and a trusted individual that damaged the child, covert or overt, whether flirtation or sexual intercourse, needs to be dealt with assertively. It scars virtually all facets of the victim's life since she or he is left with little or no self-esteem.

At least one out of five boys and one out of four girls will be abused before they reach the age of eighteen. The child’s emotional growth will be stifled at the age of the first attack, and the victim will probably not begin to recover until adulthood, if ever.

Boys, as well as girls, can be victims of sexual abuse. Anyone can be an abuser, especially if he is perceived by the child to be in authority, including brother, uncle, friend of the family, aunt, teacher -- the list is endless. However, for the sake of clarity, we will refer to the victim as a girl and the abuser as her father.

Some of the social maladjustments arising from incest are alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and promiscuity. Eating or sleeping disorders, migraines, back or stomach pains are just a few of the physical consequences that a victim may suffer. Food, sex, alcohol and/or drugs deaden painful memories of the abuse and expel reality temporarily. If a victim perceives obesity to be unattractive, and if she believes she was abused because she was pretty, a victim may overeat in a misguided attempt to defend herself from further sexual assault. "I felt like throwing up" is a common response among victims, and bulimia is a way of acting out that feeling. Anorexia is another form of self- punishment, eventually leading to the ultimate self-victimization, suicide.

There are many emotional problems emerging from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias, avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding and more. The denial system that insured her survival as a child now prevents the survivor from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood.

She doesn't trust her own perceptions; she was forced to become an expert in disbelieving her own senses. She tries to convince herself that she overreacted that nothing really terrible happened: "My daddy would never REALLY hurt me." When reality is too painful for a child s mind, she learns to fictionalize. It is extremely painful to give up the fantasy family since children see themselves either in reflected glory or disgraced shadows. Therefore, the victim makes excuses for the abuser: "He was drunk at the time. He had it rough as a child." She takes responsibility for the assaults: "I was too pretty, too sexy." Her father probably reinforced her own nagging guilt and questions she had concerning her own innocence. Essentially, the victim defends her father by minimizing, rationalizing, and taking the blame on herself. If she continues to use these coping mechanisms as an adult, she is set up to be abused in her current relationships. In Survivors of Incest Anonymous, she can learn to accept the fact that she was abused rather than loved by her father. She can then learn to seek out only healthy, loving relationships. She has been accustomed to accepting only crumbs, believing that she does not deserve anything better.

The victim may have parenting problems, always second-guessing her decisions, which is another result of distrusting her own perceptions. A victim may: avoid parenting altogether, try to be a perfect parent, or repeat the abuse. The worst possible consequence is when a victim perpetuates the abuse onto the next generation.

Another repercussion of incest is that victims often regard authority figures with anxiety. Passivity is comfortable because it is familiar, and she may accept familiar misery rather than risk unfamiliar change. An experiment was conducted in which dogs were forced to endure painful electric shocks without any means of escape. A second group of dogs were compelled to endure shocks and quickly escaped when it was possible. When the first group was shocked again, with escape now possible, they did not leave. They had been conditioned to endure pain. This experiment suggests why so many victims were sexually abused as adults by therapists, counselors, doctors or bosses. Victims are accustomed to losing battles and feeling powerless. Victims do not believe they can win. Assertion is a difficult concept for an incest victim.

The victim s inability to trust affects the victim s feelings about members of the opposite sex. Women who have been abused by men will often say, "I don't trust any men, they only want sex." Often, boys abused by more than one male feel compelled to believe they MUST BE homosexual. The assaults have been emotionally or physically pleasurable to the victim and this fact reinforces the suspicion that he himself must be made a homosexual: "Both my uncle and a male teacher were attracted to me, and since it felt good to me, I liked it, so I must be gay." In defense of the abuser, he may say, "I am the one that is gay and my abuser sensed it, that's all."

Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation, this woman is likely to become promiscuous. She needs to know that a promiscuous child is often the result, but never the cause of incest. She believes if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.

When the abuse is physically violent, maybe even painful, she may confuse sex with control and power. A typical comment might be, "When I have sex with someone, I feel like he is controlling my body. I feel that as I respond to him, he is manipulating me, and I am a puppet all over again." This woman may shut off all sexual feelings and retreat from all sexual contact: she fears that no one would validate her.

Survivors who have been abused may display:

a poor self image

sexual acting-out

inability to trust or love others

aggressive and disruptive behavior

anger and rage

self-destructive behavior

self-injury

suicidal thoughts

passive or withdrawn behavior

anxiety and fears

school/job problems or failure

feelings of sadness or depression

flashbacks, nightmares

drug abuse

alcohol abuse

yes,,, it was sexual abuse.. and I am so sorry this happened to you..

flashbacks... that is what it sounds like... I have them...
I hope that if you don't have a T.. that you will get one..
you deserve to work thru these feelings and be freed from them...

gentle (((hugs)))

[Juliaspavlov]

Definitely.
Petunia's post above is excellent.
One thing that also happens in the case of forcing you into
oral sex is that it can give you a terrible choking feeling
and can make you feel prostituted. That's why there was
lots of furor over Bill Clinton.

I hope I haven't triggered anyone by saying that
but it was inside me to say that. Please forgive me.

((( TRYING TO COPE ))) we care for you....Jjulia

[chaotic13]

OK, I recognize in myself several of the symptoms included in Petunia's post. Now what is the treatment? For example I have an inability to trust, I avoid intimacy and emotional bonding, and do not trust my own perceptions to name a few. If you have been conditioned this way can your really change? Sorry all I am just stuck in my pessimism.

I can assure you that change is possible.. as I have changed.. my answer is therapy..with a very good therapist...((((hugs)))

[TryingToCope]

(((((candybear)))))
(((((Petunia)))))
(((((freewill)))))
(((((Julia)))))
(((((mckell)))))
Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm so sorry I didn't thank you all earlier. Things are getting worse around here with hubby, so I wasn't able to get on here. Yes I do have t. I'm just not sure I'm ready to tackle this yet, along with everything else that's going on. Hugs to all of you.

(((((((((tryingtocope))))))))

gentle hugs to you. I am so sorry this happened to you, this is definitely sexual abuse, you were so little and your brother took advantage of you. it must have been difficult for you to post this too, I admire your courage.I hope you can find a good t and talk about these memories and feelings you have. Take care, look after yourself, you are so important right now.

Love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[TryingToCope]

((((((Jinny))))))
Thank you so much for your support. So far I have not been able to bring this up in a session. I guess I just feel that t would think this is something that shouldn't be brought up now seeing it happened so many years ago. That it is something I should be over by now.

sweetie you can't just get over something like that. You need to talk through it and try to come to terms with it. the abuse I suffered was over many many years ago, it surfaced itself many times, this being the last as I am getting better each week. Don't keep it buried, bring it up with your t when YOU are ready.

Good luck and tace care of YOU.

love and hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
TryingToCope said:
That it is something I should be over by now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I feel this way a lot lately. The self doubt that... it wasn't so bad... at lot of people have endured a lot worse...Let I go of it already, kids do mean stuff to each other and manipulate younger kids all the time...It was just normal child's play.... I AM NOT A VICTIM!..... I allowed myself to be preyed on....boys will be boys.....

The list of doubts and denial goes on and on. I think the reason why it keeps coming up is because we haven't accepted that regardless of what we tell ourselves, regardless of what others say we should think or feel, and regardless of how severe or mild the actual act(s) were...It was abuse to us and it has profoundly affected our attitudes and beliefs about the world, physical intimacy, and people in general.

My T asked me in the last session if I thought I had a normal sexual development after my abuse exposure. Of course I said... Yes, I was normal... I had boyfriends... bah..bah..bah. After the session I reviewed that question in my head and I exploded in anger ...How the F*@& do I know if I had a "normal" sexual development? I have no idea what normal is or should be? An exposure like this kind of kills the idea that sex and physical intimacy is something that is share between two people who love and care deeply about each other.

I guess after 30+ years I can say,, I guess I'm not over it yet.

[Perna]

I read somewhere recently that it is considered sexual abuse (legally) if more than 3 years separate siblings/children. The idea being I guess that we all "experiment" but there shouldn't be such a large age difference so there wouldn't be as great a "power"/maturity difference.