Sexual Abuse

I was going to title this post MALE Sexual Abuse, but decided to remove the word Male at the last moment to insure full readership from those who get titilated about female sexual abuse, instead of just the select few who care to even address the real genderless crime.
I was amazed about a week ago when a guest speaker on the Joyce Meyer show stated, along with several other statistics regarding sexual abuse, that 1 in 50 boys will be raped by an opposite sex parent or caregiver. My God what a revelation, and I could hardly believe my ears! A person on TV was finally stating a real fact that I have had to live with unable to have anyone else want to accecpt for over 47 years.
Now for MY commentary.
Why is there such a negative stigma attached to male sexual abuse? Why is there no accecptance of this crime in the church, the court house, or society in general? Why is there no public funding and outreach programs available for male victims? Why won't the theraputic profession accecpt that a young boy can be seduced and raped and deal with this in an educated fashion?
Why does this have to be a female crime instead of the genderless issue it is?
Sorry, but I feel severly discriminated against.
Furthermore, I can no longer feel sympathy for those affected, male or female, and I think it's high time for females to stop blaming their behaviors on something they claim can only apply to them.
Feedback welcome, but please keep on topic and direct all the womens lib comments to another board.
Tom S. in Tn.

I must say, I've never thought of sexual abuse as only a female issue. Now that you mention it though... when I think of rape, I do think of it happening to women more than to men. Thanks for bringing this up. I'll be more aware of it in the future.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

the reason why this is always put under the rug, is no one wants to belive it will happen to them, or has happend..

Well I for one do belive it has happend and belive it will happen.
I will give you my honest opion on this, for I had to dicsusus three supreme court cases like this for my amercian goverment class just last week. [frown[

1. No one belives it happens
2. Men are strong enough to bare it on their own
3. Most "femails' are weaker and need portection (which is ********) men also need protection.. I aruged this in my paper tooth and nail..
I do not beilve the above statements and siad so in my paper. This is something that does need somthingdone about it.. But no one in todys society will do anything about it, for .. ... I do not know..

I want the "church" to be held resposiblie for what they have did to the childern wether is is male or female....

You hvae a righ to feel discrimnated against.. there should be support groups for men, and there should be help for your gender and no it should not be only for woman.. and i do understand your plight (sp) on the matter... I truly do..

When I did my papers I found that men do not have the same rights woman do, or they did not in the past, somenew laws have been past, and you really should look in to them.

http:// http://www.law.cornell.edu/
this site is where I got all of my court cases from..
it should help you and possible lead you in the rigth direction.. I do so hope this converstion does not trun ugly.. and others only offer comments not anger...

<font color=purple>
world.. You are no longer going to rule me.. "I" I am going to rule myself"

Tom,
I noticed another post from you that I have some input for. Just in case you don't see it, I'll also post here. I have found Life Management Center in Nashville Tennessee most helpful for sexual abuse issues. Max Haskett is the head honcho there and is very personally acquainted with male sexual abuse survivor issues and recovery.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

Hi Tom

This is an interesting subject to talk about. I can understand your anger and frustration. We have in our area a men's outreach centre for men who were sexually abused. This centre has been in operation for a few years here now.

There are also numerous cases in my area (small town - under 5000 pop.) of where these situations took place and they are not tolerated. In fact, within the past 2 years there has been a teacher charged with assualting numerous young males and he has finally been brought to justice. This went on for years and no one did anything until a new police chief came in and finally put a stop to it. Many young men are scarred for life and finally something is being done.

Myself, I was raped but didn't report it. There are many women who have done the same...as well as many men. It is up to society to change this stigma for both men and women.

Why not look into seeing if there is a centre in your area for men who were abused? If not, see what you can do to try to start one up? All it takes is a voice to be heard.


Heather

Tom,

It seems that no group, unfortunately, is immune to sexual abuse. One of the classes I took last semester was "Abuse and Neglect," and although there is no way that they could possibly cover every type of abuse that occurs, and there were some things left out that I thought should have been included, familial abuse of boys was covered. I thought maybe you would like to know that it is being acknowleged - both father-son and mother-son. Mother-son incest has as severe effects on the victim as other varieties of sexual abuse, but there are not a lot of cases reported. This is for several reasons - it doesn't occur as frequently as father-daughter incest, it is easier for mothers to mask this type of activity such as by continuing to bathe their sons after the boys are really too old for that, and it is understandably very hard for sons to report this since the taboo against it is so severe.

Typically there is no father in the home or if there is, he is unavailable and ineffective. It is as if the son steps into the father's role, and the mother uses her son, inappropriately, in place of a partner.

I'm sorry that you have been victimized and discriminated against. There really are not excuses for the evil and hurtful things that people do, but sometimes maybe it helps to look at the reasons why those things happen. If there were not a reason - if parents who abuse their children did not have their own issues - then those things would not occur. By understanding the reasons maybe it will be possible to reduce the occurrence of these kinds of things. People don't like to think about child abuse and would rather deny its existence sometimes than deal with it, because is it such an uncomfortable subject, and the societal taboo against mother-son incest makes that particularly uncomfortable. But it exists anyway, and being able to understand perhaps why people would rather deny it still does not make it okay. I think that now eyes are starting to be opened, and I hope that it leads to better and more effective treatment as well as prevention for all who are affected by this problem.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

I never once though of sexual abuse one sided. It happens with all genders both male and females all over the world... it's never going to go down to just one gender, nor I doubt that we will ever see it stop either....I'm a victim of sexual abuse as well as other kinds, You just have to try and move on.... get into therapy, don't live in guilt, live in regret , because at least then you can live with it and move on.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Tom, I'm a vicitm of sexual abuse by my grandmother. That makes it homosexual rape and incest. Not only several of us granddaughters were vicitimized by this woman but she actually took one of my male cousins and tried to get him to violate me while she watched. When he couldn't "perform" she beat the both of us. This male cousin of mine is 11 yrs older than I am. When I was receiving therapy for my abuse, not limited to sexual, he was going to therapy for the same thing. I was 50 at the time.

Maybe the victimization of males isn't made public because for one reason, males don't tend to speak about their problems very easily. That's just a guess on my part, but there are very definitely males getting therapy for it.

Maybe the reason you hear more about female victims is because we're more outspoken when we feel someone has wronged us. Females tend to become attention getters a lot quicker than males.

Your rage is apparent in your post. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry it happened to my cousins, too. I'm sorry it happened to me because it caused me to lose my innocence a whole lot sooner than any child needs to lose it. I not only lost that, but I lost a part of myself, I lost most of my childhood and I lost any sense of worth I might have had at that age. My therapist called it "soul murder." It murders the souls of little boys as well as that of little girls!

When I hear people talk about "guardian angels" I wonder where mine was. But in retrospect, if the things that happened to me hadn't, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I hope you find the help that you need so you can overcome all the scarring, pain and understandable rage you feel.

My heart goes out to you.

Tomi

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Tomi wrote; "Females tend to become attention getters a lot quicker than males."

I read your response, and I do appreciate your concern. Let me add that females have over used and abused there ability ot get attention. Just walk through any shopping mall.
Tom S.

I believe you are dead on target. I pray for more people just like you, and the day I can have the strenght to clamp down with both jaws and rear back with a public message just like yours.
I believe it is time for people to accecpt this crime even if it forces them to examine themselves and have to deal with what they see.
God's Blessings Be With You.
I look foward to reading more from you, and I am getting ready to join up with someone else. It's high time.
Tom S.

it takes a great deal of courge for others to come forward to even talk about this.. I am no longer afard to talk about "sexual abuse" I almost lost a dear friend of mine to it because her step-father was doing it to her, and no one knew till she came to stay with us, when he started in on a younger sibling because she was away for the weekend and that sibling was a boy... so yes I know all the sides of the coin, and none are to pretty..
Bad bad sides to all fo this topic..

<font color=purple>
world.. You are no longer going to rule me.. "I" I am going to rule myself"

I hope that "Females tend to become attention getters a lot quicker than males." isn't the only thing you got out of my post to you. Keep in mind that I am a woman, too. We women tend to be that way because it's easier for us to express our feelings.

Haven't been to a mall in years but it happens everywhere you go... even when a man is accompanied by a woman. If he's half way attractive, women will do anything to get their attention. Men in the company of any woman were always off limits to me, but when I was young, I was right there with the other girls! You betcha! That's not to say that men never do that!

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I went to my church leaders, even the pastor, a total of 4 times looking for something like spiritual guidance or anything that I could carry with me. What a mistake.
Now when I walk into church, the sunday school people ask my wife 'how are you doing, you poor thing.' And I'm the one who tried to get attention.
I was told to pray and read scripture, but above all else, stay quiet so I don't draw attention.

"Females tend to become attention getters a lot quicker than males."

Sorry if I sound the slightest bit pissed, but this is the latest in a long string of hideous disrespect toward me not only as a male, but a human being. And the hypocricy of the church as well as it's leaders, remains intact.
I am afraid there is a payback for attention seeking when one is young desirable, because everyone matures and dependance on others as well as exclusivity in relationships become important. Even with church leqadership. I see many 'poor single mothers' recieve attention while the grandmothers remain unrecognized in the nursing home. And this Ms. Sept Morn should be taught, now.
I now know exactly how Dr. Laura Schlessinger felt as she was being de-syndicated across the nation, because her message forced people to examine themselves in a way that the highly overpaid theraputic profession was unable.
I suppose though, when I feel too oppressed and abused, I can at least thank God I wasn't born non-white and male.
Tom S.

Nothing I've said to you was meant in any way to be confrontational. It's just the way things are.

I'm with you 100% on going to any pastor! When I was having trouble with my first marriage and in retrospect, my own problems were beginning to show their ugly heads, I also went to at least three ministers. Ha! What a joke! What a denial and ignorance of what the common folk go through! All I got told was "Pray about it!" One "pastor" even told me to buckle down and be a good wife! What that meant was "Shut up, do as you're told and keep this man's house clean and him fed." Never mind that he physically abused our daughter and son, he had raped me, controlled every single move I made and to boot, showed many signs of schizophrenia! Did they recognize it? No! I was just supposed to do as I was told, no matter what that was!

I suggest you look elsewhere for your help and support for yourself. You're not going to find it in church. There is help for you, like there is for everybody. You just have to find the right person or group of persons to help you, like anyone else does. Like I said, my male cousin who happens to be a minister, found help for himself outside the church. You can, too. For me personally, it isn't a matter of color or not, gender or not. There is help to be had whether you are male or female; pink, orange, brown, black or yellow.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Dear (((homealone))) I feel for you, in your pain. I have been reading some of the responses to you... and finally think I can also say something that might help.

I see where you are in middle TN. Talk about the Bible belt! While I don't know what denomination of religion you sought help at, I am sorry for the ignorance of so many of our "Godly" leaders! Please consider seeking the support you deserve within another church, or faith.

I know my church here is quite large... and there are many different types of ministers... and ministries. Sometimes a certain faith has a carte blanche response, as dictated by superiors. But there are those churches, whose pastors have taken time to extend their studies into the real problems of real ppl. (This was not the case some 20 years ago, when nearly NO ministers received any real seminary training concerning anything like abuse.)

But I perceive your being PO'd is not mainly with the church, but with God. And you would be joining a large group of US who haven't quite figured out why God "allows" such things to happen... He condemns those who harms children... we understand the free will of man... but... you are quite allowed to "reason" this out with Him.

Joyce Meyers is quite a speaker, and often on the edge of ideas.. she follows a few men in her thinking, and wishes (such as Deepak Chopra and Dwayne Dyer)...

I send you some of my energy, what I have to give, and hope that you will be able to find the support you need.. and deserve. Try not to judge the world, or the church as a whole, because of some ignorant ppl.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Sky, I'm not disputing your words in any way. It's just that every experience I've had seeking help from a minister or the elders of a church, I've run into a brick wall.

Granted, the experiences I spoke of were quite some time ago. However, the last time was about 6 or 7 years ago. I was dumbfounded when I found out how little the minister knew about abuse in any form. According to him, there is nothing wrong with striking a child with a belt or letting him go without dinner. My concerns were for two of my grandchildren. I felt that they were being mentaly and physically abused and neglected and their mother was a pre-school teacher at this church's day school! All I got for my trouble in talking to this man was broken confidences called "blessings," total misunderstandings and absolutely no help at all.

Yes, I'm still bitter and angry with this man. He was our denomination's national director, for pete's sake! You'd think he would have been more "enlightened."

This church was/is a huge church but word still got around and unlike a Chrisitan family "should," people took sides. As a result, all of my own family splintered. Now my sons don't go to any church and neither do my husband and I. I've lost touch with my grandsons.


<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

There is another forum I go to that is helpful in this topic. http://www.spiritualabuse.com Just thought I'd share a helpful resource. Church leaders, for the most part, are not equipped to handle these types of issues and tend to "spiritualize" them. The church for me was one huge denial factory. I became addicted to church work and buried my pain for a long time that way. Just because the men are leaders does not mean they are healthy. That was my mistake... believing because they had authority that they were authorities. I've found more help outside the church in a professional setting with trained helpers. Then as I became familiar with what safe people looked like... I was able to seek them out on my own, even in the church.

Hope this is helpful to ya'll. Middle Tennessee is definitely the buckle of the bible belt! I haven't actually found a church here that I can tolerate. Small groups of people talking from the heart is my type of church for now. As soon as it become organized I freak out.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

I hope Amy, Tomi, and Sky all 3 are able to see this reply. You guys have some excellent testimony and have written some wonderful text. I just have a difficult time keeping up when it gets long. But first Sky; I am an angry person, not angry with God. God has spoken to me directly, and I have a complete understanding of how and why 'sins of the father' and generational curses occur, and exactly why abuse occurred to me. I have also been given the message about forgivness and mercy and how to avoid bitterness and resentment.
If I am angry with anyone, I am angry as hl with the church and it's self righteous biggotted leaders. {and I am not even going to mention the theraputic proffession who added imense abuse as well} And I meant every word in my example of how the leaderships age/gender bias is abonimable. Further evidence of sins of the father. I hope my message was recieved and not misunderstood. I believe I might have been strong with my words, and came across confrontational, and for that I am truly sorry.{ I think Sky wrote that, but I appologize to anybody I might have offended. I cannot keep everybody straight.} The frustration from the theraputic community alone, has left me feeling a need to be confrontational right now.
I know some of the exact feelings Amy has. I can't exactly describe them, but I know them. I have been left thinking some of the exact same thoughts about smaller groups who do not live behind a shroud of religion, and it's shameful we can't belong to the big body of Christ and go to church. Sorry Amy, but I am going to steal your term 'denial factory'. {I hate to plagerize, but it fits so well !}
And finally for Tomi; I have only recently found someone willing to let me address sexual abuse in a theraputic setting. And sadly, I have the best insurance coverage in the state of Tennessee. It has been 7 years and 2 of them with one counselor who finally allowed herself to became aware I had been sexualized and had enough intellegence to think that was a 'significant issue' and should 'possibly' be addressed. But where?
I will share the following in an effort to allow you to understand why I might be viewed as confrontational.
The first time I entered counseling I was 16 and the 'therapist' of that day thought sexual surrogatism was the clinical answer to all my insecurities and inability to adjust socially.
I was publicly raped in a massage parlor clearly visible from Second Avenue N. in downtown Nashville. It is at the site of where the outside tables sit at wild horse saloon today.
There is help somewhere? I have never been allowed to be uncomfortable having to go downtown. Sorry if I sound angry or confrontational to anyone, but I refer back to my original posting.
Why?
Thanx folks, you have added some great testimony.
Tommy

My heart goes out to you. Your rage is more than understandable. In any further exchanges between you and I, I will try to remember that your rage isn't towards me but at the circumstances.

"Venting" is only one aspect of our recovery but it is extremely helpful. Many of us do it here.

I'll also remeber to keep my answers short.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Feel free to use the terminology. I'm glad it's helpful

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

Nah twern't me thinking you were being confrontational, but that's ok.

It would be a good thing if you aren't angry at God. You ask, "Why?" at the end of your post... for me, that question is best addressed to Him... though I think it is unanswerable -or non understandable- in this life.

Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes people don't act properly and other ppl suffer because of it.

Sometimes we can recover quickly. Sometimes more slowly. And for some, not at all.

I wish for you a good result.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I'm not sure if you're asking "why" you haven't been allowed to feel uncomfortable going downtown or "why" the abuse happened.

First, no one has the right to tell you how to feel. Your feelings are your own. Feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are. It's what you do with your feelings that matters.

As for why the abuse happened: It was told to me by a truly Christian woman that everyone was given "free will." Our abusers were exercising that free will that God gave them. It's between them and God what happens for using it in a bad way. They will have to account for their actions, not us. We were innocent victims.

The secret to overcoming (not just surviving) is to go through therapy, prayer, etc., whatever it is that you need to do for yourself so that you don't remain in that victim role. It's a long hard road, but you don't have to walk it alone. There are many that can walk it with you.

Have you considered a male therapist? There are also support groups that you can attend. It may be possible to find a group of men or at least some men in the group. You are not alone.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

nt.....Tommy

nt...Tommy

Refer back to what I wrote originally about why there is no help available for men like there is for female victim/survivors.
In my last posting I'm making a statement that I am required to go downtown just like everybody else, not allowed to feel anything like anxiety or unwillingness to go, let alone be able to even tell my story as to WHY I despise downtown.
I have to becasuse of my gender as a man; that's the first WHY.
Until I was referred to my present therapist [who is a female] I considered ANY therapist who would bill for BC/BS.

Question for you Tomi : What difference does gender make for a therapist anyway?
Is it the same as the difference for gender of the victim??

~this IS the root of the problem~

Incidentially, just so you don't begin to think I despise the whole entire nation, I was referred to my present therapist by a wonderful lady who writes to this site. And she has no knowledge of Tennessee, let alone me or anything else execpt the basis of the problem. And may God bless her !!.
Finally, I do not think you are understanding what I have written; NO there are NO support groups I can attend. *NONE* and in my original posting I am asking the big question WHY there are no support services, like groups, therapists, let alone dedicated funding like there is available for women ???.
Yes, I am alone. Just like 1 in 50 other men who were sexualized by females in position of authority.
Thanx for the chat, but I don't feel you are willing to recieve the message here. I understand too well about my mothers frustrations and generations of abuse, unsupportive and weak fathers, and free spirited unliscensed therapist and their motives back when "The Joy Of Sex" was their text book.
I also know God and I know why things happen when satin becomes involved.
But what I don't know is WHY I have to be alone??? WHY is this a female crime instead of genderless like it should be???
Tom S.