[sandyb]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I am a 41year old female who has been questioning my life and how I was raised. During my entire childhood (up until I was around 18), my mom was in a major depression (on the couch, crying, attempted suicide-unknown the me until I was an adult, etc.) My mother also never left the house unless my dad or her mom was with her... she says that she was agoraphobic. (sorry if I am misspelling the terms). My mom lost my sister when she was 18 months old on January 28, 1963 (the baby was sick and died in the hospital)... I was born on February 28, 1963 to grieving parents. My mom was never taken to a professional. My dad's way of dealing was to tell me not to bother mom with any of my problems and not to be a problem. My dad would buy car parts etc., let me know about it and tell me not to tell mom because "we" don't want to upset her. I feel now that my relationship with dad was like an emotional incest because he treated me like the wife and parent and my mom like the child. FYI-I am an only child too.

I felt bad all through childhood. My mom has not been in depression for years now (she never did get help) and she can go a few places that she feels comfortable. I was feeling pretty on top of things as an adult living my own life (I knew my childhood was messed-up, but for the longest time, I thought that it wasn't that bad). However, my dad died April 2003 and my 62 year old mom moved in with my husband, my 16 year old son, and me. I have had to show her how to write a check, put gas in a car, etc., because my dad, up until the day he died did all of those things and my mom wasn't really interested in these type of things. I know that my mom will live with us for the rest of her life because she has no money, has never worked, and is very dependent.

That was a long prelude to ask this, would I be considered an adult child of a mentally ill parent(s)? Now that my mom has moved in, I feel like I've gone into red alert...I might need to seek professional help to control feelings of being unworthy of good things in my life (I realized I was raised to feel bad or selfish in expressing my needs or having them met). I talk to my mom all the time about childhood and she appears to agree that I was "neglected" a bit, but I can tell that she cannot take much responsibility for it because she was depressed/phobic, etc.

Thanks for reading this and offering any words of advise.

[wisewoman]

I am glad you found this site. You were the child of mentally ill parents and still are the parent of a mentally ill mom. What is most important now is for you to take care of yourself. You will have anger feelings, guilt, shame. Find a caregiver support group in your area, and see if there are senior groups and/or adult day care centers for mom. She needs to have a life beyond you and your family. It is extremely unhealthy that she will be relying on you for everything. As she goes to senior activities or adult day care she will establish relationships with peers that are more normal and make her less emotionally dependent on you. You need to find a place to voice the questions and feelings that are bound to come up with your being mom's caregiver. I hope this helps. Sorry if I came on too strong, I guess I just feel strongly about it. My best.

[sandyb]

Thank you wisewoman; not too strong at all in your response to me. I just get confused thinking that I am making too much about nothing when it comes to my childhood and I feel bad for thinking of my mom as mentally ill.

I have had to go through major guilt telling my mom that she has to make her own life now that dad has passed away because she was very very angry at me for not taking her camping with us all the time, etc. She finally acknowledged that she looks to me too much to make a life for her. I told her that I didn't mind her moving in with us and that we would make a place for her to live, but we would not make a life for her.

[wisewoman]

Good Job, you score! Telling her to make a life for herself is very important. You are on the right track. You can be loving but very firm. Do not let her be a hermit in your home dependent on you for everything. She HAS to make a life. BTW, why did your dad die so young?

[sandyb]

My dad had a major stroke at 55 (untreated high blood pressure). He was in construction and had to stop working. He and my mom moved in with his mom (they moved in with us for 3 months and we only have a 2 bedroom house...my grandma had a 3 bedroom and she lived alone, so I had to beg my folks to move in with her.....they made me feel so bad for that...I kicked them out in their eyes and was a very unloving daughter). At 61 my mom and I were out roller skating at the rink for exercise and when she came home, she found him in his easy chair..he was gone; a heart attack. My parents have a had one tragedy after another (much or most of which was caused by their life choices), and I have been the one they turned to for everything, legal advise (I'm a paralegal), money, emotional support, etc. so when I wan't to set boundaries with my mom, it's almost like I'm turning my back on my own child. I know I'm not, and I have to be strong for both of us, but it's still emotionally hard.

[SweetCrusader]

Yes, your mom was (and probably is) mentally ill. And you have suffered greatly as a result. You were neglected, and that leaves enormous scars. I reccomend individual therapy, beyond a caregiver's support group. Therapy with a professional who knows how to do trauma work would help you work through the feelings you have about yourself, your mom, your childhood, and your current situation. Beyond your description of what your childhood was like, your words sound exactly like a person who was neglected as a child. I know this because (1) I'm a psych major and (2) I was a neglected child.

I can't say I know your personal pain, but I can say that I understand how much it hurts to feel like your needs are an infringement on others. And I know the feeling of being worthless. I know what it's like to be parentified and have to take care of your parent(s) as if they were the adults and you were the child. I know what all that's like, and it's hell. Therapy is helping me with that, and it can help you. You just have to find the right therapist.

Welcome to our forums. I hope you'll continue to post whenever you need support, and I hope we'll be able to help you out!!!

Best wishes, and lots of hugs (if hugs are ok) (((((((((((((sandyb))))))))))))

Angela (SweetCrusader)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[sandyb]

Thanks Angela, I have more of a relationship now with my mom than I ever did, but it's still hard because it's like I keep getting new insight about growing up (like the fact that when I left home at 22 when I got married, I had 17 cavities because I wasn't taken to the dentist, etc.) and that to me was at least physical neglect and I was able to deal better with these revelations into myself because I could talk them out with my husband, but now that my mom has moved in, I almost feel suffocated at times. I think my home as an adult used to be happy to me and now that my mom lives with us, it feels weird.

[SweetCrusader]

Your feelings are completely understandable! I would venture to say you have been physically and emotionally neglected. I've only recently come to grips with the fact that I was neglected, and I'm only now starting to heal from it. My T told me in our last session that neglect often is harder on children than abuse is. I never used to understand why, because I was in denial about being neglected but I was totally open about the fact that I was abused. Admitting the neglect carried a LOT more shame for me, and feelings that are a LOT harder to bear than the feelings that being abused brought, for the most part. I do not say this to minimize the effects of abuse, because I know they are terrible, too. I only say it to acknowledge the seriousness of the effects of neglect. It has a very crippling effect.

Is there any chance of getting your mom into a retirement community or something like that? Or her own apartment? Are there any life skills training programs nearby that could help you out? If any of those things are accessible to you, I highly reccomend using them. The best thing you could do for yourself at this point would be to self-protect.

If you want to talk more about the feelings that this is bringing up, I am SO there for you. I know how much it hurts and aches and shames you. Feel free to post again, or to pm me!

(((((((((((hugs)))))))) if ok

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[sandyb]

Angela, at this point in time, I'm going to have to get healthy and validate myself with my mom in the home. I just have to be super mindful of my needs, my husband's needs, and my son's so that I don't neglect them or put my mom's needs ahead of theirs anymore than I already have. Thanks for all of your help.

Sandy