ok here goes...

Hi Blue
(hypothetically)
If someone was willing to come to the Netherlands and confront these people (or a few to spread word to the others) with something they would most defiantly be more afraid of than you are them, would you be receptive to helping make it happen ???

uhmmm no that doesnt sound like a good idea...
the police is involved already and if that doesnt scare them this won't for sure..

no... didnt draw this myself

(((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))

You never, ever deserved to feel that way at all.

just another stupid flashback night
stomach hurts
im tired but to scared to sleep..
everyone tries to talk to me all of a sudden
mentor at school
fosterparents
youthcare
I dont want to talk about it.. it just panicks me more
tonights flashbacks seem to be about the photograph 'parties'
i feel nauseated (sp?) just remembering that.. knowing there's those pictures around somewhere ... they even had 'educational' movies about what u can and can not do with boys my age those times and how to's ... omg i need to run to toilet quickly now...

Aaaaaww Lucas. Hugs!!!! We're all here for you hun.

((( blue ))) :Wave-Hello:

hope you feel better soon.

((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))

Feeling for you.

BIG trigger! details..


I see the camera and it makes me panic inside
can't show... can't show that.. have to be calm.... 'professional'... You're already 7, he says.. you WILL regret it if you mess this up
Camera on...
they make me lie down on my stomach
I'm already wearing only boxershorts but they eventually push them down as well
my father inserts his fingers
then some things... a permanent marker... bunch of pencils... walking cane... deodorant.. then they all take their turn on me... all 4 of them... back to things..banana... a broken of table leg..beerbottle I let a small scream out when they do that.. Then they say 'you have to punish your kid when they scream or cry, when they know they are not allowed'. One of the guys makes me lie down on a chair and starts beating on me with the walking cane... Then they decide 'it's time' and lie me down on the ground again.. Time for what, I think. One of them sits behind me and forcefully pushes his fist inside.. I scream loudly this time.. Before I pass out I know I will later on regret my scream... I'm 7... Only babies scream.. It won't be 'just' the walkingcane this time..

(((((((((((((((blue)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry..

I know that doesn't even help, but I have no other words. I just wanna come and give you the biggest hug ever and promise you that I will make you safe, and damn well make it happen.

triggering..

i was out of school for a long time.. or atleast to me it seemed long but hey I was only 7... Maybe a week or two i'm not sure.
Few days after or so they said they'd have to re-record the last bit ... but they 'cheated' this time gave me a pill... muscle relaxer or something I think because soon I couldn't move a finger anymore. Everything sounded far away. their voices sounded like they were on the other side of the house rather then next to me. I saw everything blurry .. or shapes would morph like u can do with pics on the computer.. however i still felt everything... just couldn't say anything or move anything
Then after he did the beerbottle and fist again I passed out. Or at least I think I did.
Since then I kept finding blood in my underwear. It took days before I could somewhat walk again.. I think i had a high fever afterwards or something, I can't really remember much from that time... it's really blurry. Only remember pieces and bits.. sorry cant write more now

(I'm so glad that right now I'm in a good place, so I'm able to read this and be ok and respond and try and help you)

Please don't feel you need to explain to us. Feel free if it helps you, but you have no obligation to tell us any of it.

pfff.. i probably would have deleted these if i could
i know i shouldnt care but sometimes.. i get embarrased anyway
i guess it was just .. it had been bothering me all weekend already and I just ..
had to ramble some
it just hurts so bad
you know.. this is one of these days I feel like i just crawling into a corner curl up and not wake up again or something
i shouldnt say that.. i wouldnt do something dumb..
it just feels like its following me around cant get a minute of peace
hurting physically and mentally
i dont know i cant explain its just... i dont know

I've felt like curling up, and never waking up. It never really meant I was going to do anything.. just that I didn't want to face everything.

I know you wouldn't do anything dumb either.

You need to let yourself have some rest to get a little better.

I just don’t know how to get some rest
I don’t sleep, at all or only a few hours .. wich I wake up from with nightmares
Making me more tired instead of less. I guess 3 hours max a night is not enough. of course its not I just can’t get more. Wish I’d not have to sleep for real.. wish I didn’t have to. The idea of meds scares me.. having to talk to other people even more. Having to do this alone scares me too… I don’t know what doesn’t lately
I don’t know how to get that rest… I can’t stay away from school for much longer and this way it’s not much better anyway. I just lie on my bed or sit here. Don’t care about tv I can’t follow it anyway.. Reading.. I have no clue what I just read a page back.. Can’t go outside because can’t go outside alone.. don’t really feel like doing anything anyway
Brother is worried tries to talk to me, help.. fosters worried too but cant stand having them around.. Nothing wrong about them I just don’t handle it well
So I go downstairs around 6 to eat something.. turn computer on afterwards to check into pc and maybe find some distraction
Can’t keep my mind focused on anything though I guess maybe im to tired or something
And whatever I do.. or don’t do… these nightmares flashbacks panicattacks bodymemories follow me around all of the time
And then there are these stories in the news about abused kids and brings back more memories.. Gosh I don’t even know what my point is/was with this post
Ok I feel like im whining now so I quit I don’t really know what point I was trying to get across anyway

i never minded school much atleast its a distraction? and before, atleast i wouldnt be at home
now im anxious beforehand, trying not to get panickattacks during and feel like crp after.. and i cant even really say why
maybe because of the guy from the last school but i really am not sure.
they noticed at school unfortunately so now they try to talk to me also but i really dont want to
i dont understand why this hits me so hard now or i guess, why it wont get bette like usual.. ups and downs.. after all its a new school no creep anymore.. brother is doing better every week it seems and so far the chemo is going pretty well
i should feel better not worse?
but i guess thats not how it works or something i dunno..

we are going to move again in a week btw.. supposed to be permanent place agian.. will see them tomorrow. we'll see...
Last time permanent didnt turn out to be permanent either after all.

That's not to say that this place won't be Blue.

Good luck with your move, and I hope it works out better this time

yeah i just want to see first, then believe i guess

That's fair enough.

But just bear in mind that there is a chance that this will be permanent.

ok.. moved friday
they seem to be ok
Hopefully this time it really is permanent place ..

me too Blue ... xoxoxoxo

*sends all of luck to Blue*

I really really hope it's a permanent home for you.

hope it works out for you blue.

(((((blue))))) I hope you are truly in a safe and permanent home now.