ok here goes...

blue, I wish I could just come and get you and your brother...I would do it, I just don't have the words to express how I feel right now and even if I could pour out my heart her in this forum it would'nt do you much good. maybe all I can do is pray for you and your brother but know this, we're all here for you and your brother...we care about you both,so much! please stay in touch here okay? your friend, jeff

It's ok... It doesn't matter. There's no way of changing anything without making things worse anyway, or not yet anyway.

Blue

we're here blue...

Some days after they've done this stuff its harder to go on as if nothing happened...Like it hits me harder then on other days... Such days I just want to curl up in a corner and close my eyes and die.. Today's def one of those days. I dont understand it though... After all of these years.. When do you finally get used to it.. I handled it much better before.. last summer.. before they threw my dad in jail and everything changed.. for the worse.. I guess maybe i'm just missing my brother a lot at such times.

Blue

well blue, you dont need to curl up and do that, cause you can come here, have some friends, enjoy the games forums, have a good place to be awhile...

yeah... dont worry id never do that to my brother. Sometimes wish i could though.

yeah, things are kinda bad right now, you're doing ok though.. anytime you feel like or if things get bad, just pm someone here for help, or go to chat... keep the phone list above handy and stay in touch at your other websites too..

glad you are still coming blue..

Anyone ever have problems with .. memories where you feel as if its happening all over again?
Like you're just sitting in class or in your room or something and it just feels as if .. its happening to you again... cept it isnt... it only.. feels that way?
Like flashbacks i guess.. cept you feel what you felt then too... I'm having them a lot some days... Dunno how to handle them though... any tips? anything?

Blue

Yes, Blue, you're having flashbacks. They can seem as real as when it really happened. Best thing to try and do is concentrate on the here and now. Look around you, pick something up that proves to you that you're not back in the past, that you are "here," away from what happened. Talk to someone that can tell you exactly where you are and what you are doing.

There are some of us here on the board that know how to deal with flashbacks. Find out who they are and ask them to help you through. _Sky is one that can do that, but I'm offering her name without checking with her first. You can PM her, direct her to this thread and there are times you may need help through flashbacks.

Another thought; I feel like Alton does. If I could, I'd come get you and your brother and never let those creeps as much as set eyes on you again!

Let me do some investigation, some talking to people and I'll let you know what I find out. Don't worry. I would never set anything in motion without checking with you first.

yeah. Nightmares, flashbacks. it sucks.
thanks

"Nightmares, flashbacks. it sucks."

Oh, you betcha!!

Blue it sounds like you may be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, there is a PTSD forum, if you look few some of the posts you may identify with some people, just be aware of the trigger signs though ... read only if you are able ... tace care honey, Jinny xx

cept its not really 'post' yet. i wish

((((Blue)))) i know its not a lot my friend, but i'm here, i care... please stay in touch..

it will be post Blue... it can be post sooner rather than later? i admire the strength you show for your brother, he is very lucky to have you..

i'm praying that those around you who can, will come to your aid and no more harm will fall on you...

yeah.. i guess maybe.. post.. someday.. it seems so far away though and i dont know how to do it.
It's like i'm screaming but no-one hears me you know...
then again i dont want them to hear me they'd all thought what they think is best (aka telling youthcare, police, etc) but they just dont understand...
I dont understand why its affecting me so much now... more then before. its like i used to be able to push it all away and go on as if nothing was happening but i cant anymore..
And its not just hard on me, its hard on my brother too knowing whats going and not being able to do anything about it... Talking about feeling powerless you know..
and then i feel bad about feeling like this, like wishing id walk under a truck or something
And christmas is coming up and the house will be packed with strangers (family of my fosters) and i just dont know how to handle that on top of everything else.. having to be normal and happy and talk to everyone and being a normal 14 year old and hang out with their kids and everything.. thankfully my brother will be here though so i should be happy its just so mixed up everything atm

blue

blue, i'm learning more about my own helplessness in relation to your situation, but i cant, wont give up easy.. you let me know how i can help, when you're ready... i will do absolutely all i can...

you dont have to do anything
nobody can really do anything about it
so it doesnt matter
just thanks for listening

that is one thing we do well here ... and we care...

yeah

[[[[[[[[Blue]]]]]]]]]] Things are gonna get better... just you and brother hold hopes ... this Christmas, be together and honor yourselves for all you've endured and never forget that you have the power you need to rise above..

there was camera's.. and another kid.. bit older then me i think.. i feel disgusted dirty ashamed scared tired.. my stomach hurts.. everything hurts.. i hate this world

you can't pretend forever. We are all willing to help when you are ready.

there's no way to change anything
not if i dont want them to hurt my brother anyway
so it doesnt really matter anymore
ive been pretending for 14 years i guess i can add a few years
i'll just have to
sorry.

you dont need to feel sorry blue

Blue,

I'm new here although have been browsing the community for a while. I also live in the Netherlands (regio Utrecht) although come from England. I've been through physical and psychological child abuse at the hands of my parents (although a very different situation from yours) and after many years I got away - I'm now in my early 20s (female). It's hard to know how to find a voice and tell the right people, especially with your dear brother at risk, but there are ways, so please don't give up hope. You know what is happening is wrong (which might seem so obvious but it's a hard thing in itself to accept - in my case it took a long time to realise it fully, even now I struggle - it was easier to blame myself) - this is already a big step toward gaining your freedom.

My heart goes out to you for all that you've been through and what continues to happen. If there's anything I can do - and I really mean this - please ask. I am familiar with the system in NL (I have been through it to get help) and also ways of seeking confidential help at the very least so that there is someone you can go and talk to privately with the possibility to then work with them to find a way out of this situation.

Are you familiar with services such as RIAGG and Crisisdienst? There are also many more outlets of support out there who could really turn you and your brother's lives around.

Like others have said, you have no reason to feel sorry.

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