[SimonSays1]

Im in my 30's and still battling the internal mental torture from my childhood. It doesn't help that practically everything around me is a potential trigger. Songs, sports on tv, certain weather, smells, people and places from the past. If I run out of triggers, my dreams can be counted on to conjure some up. I can't keep running from things because there is no where else to go. I am tried of running, tired of hiding, tired of cutting people off, tired of sabotaging my relationships with others, tired of assuming I am better when I am NOT.

I sometimes get angry at myself, I get angry at my dysfunctional family. Sometimes I feel like I should be crying when I have no tears. Sometimes I wonder who would want to be around someone like myself? I try to figure out any reason for me to deserve this. I ask out loud while alone "haven't I suffered enough?!??!?!". It doesn't help when my T claims I will have struggles the rest of my life.

My girlfriend tells me I am improving, but I don't see it or feel it. I eat healthy, meditate, excercize daily, seeing a therapist. I know deep down I am a good man. I live positive, I respect others and don't purposely cause harm. Sure I may have some up days...

In the end, Im still the little 5 year old boy locked in a room, forced to take sleeping pills so he won't have to be a bother anyone.

What is one to do? Do I just accept that this is who I am?

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Simon,
Like hell,you accept! You fight and fight
till you drop for the child you once were. You are
all he has,he needs a modern day warrior to face
ALL,and to find some GOLD in all this dirt!
What you need to do in TANDEM with therapy,is
to lift your self-esteem,self-respect,and HONOR.
Are you going to let that child down? YOU ARE
ALL HE HAS GOT! He brought you this far,now
its your turn. Yes you will fall down,just get the
hell back UP again--he's all alone in there,strike up
a relationship with him,he didn't go away cause you
grew up,he still exists inside you.
O.K.,2 things you
need to start on: Self-esteem,and assertiveness; one
helps the other,and vice-versa. To that end,start
with this psychologist, Nathaniel Branden. This guy knows his stuff, I tell you! 2 book titles by him
to start you off: "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem",
and "Honoring The Self"--just the title of that one
made me feel better. The good thing about his
writing is,it not only helps you,but helps you see
the why,wherefore,of other peoples behavior!
Also,you need a good book on assertiveness,and
a good one is,"When I say no,I feel guilty!" By
Manuel Smith. It is out of print,so you will have
to get it second hand;you should get both authors
at Alibris. Let me know if you get them alright?
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[nicoleflynn]

See if you can put the anger where it belongs....on the abusers, NOT yourself. You don't have to accept this. You did nothing wrong. WHen you were born you were perfect and innocent, the abuser(s) told you lies about yourself and now you have to spend all of this time, fighting them. BUt, they are.......all lies. Usually abusers abuse, because they hate themselves and take it out on the most innocent. Keep working with your t and perhaps journaling...talking to us and others. Sadly being abused as a child is so sickenly common. THe blame and shame belong to those who abused you. hugs, Nicole

[SimonSays1]

Thank you. I get angry at myself for not getting over this.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello SimonSays1-

First, I am so sorry for the horrible pain you have endured and what was done to you in your past. I was struck by the title of your thread because that is a phrase that would describe my existence as well. I know that there are so many times when I believe that there will never be an end to all the suffering, to all the pain, all the triggers.

I struggle with PTSD-I don't know if that is something that you have but it sounds like you do have some of the symptoms-and in all the research I've done I continue to find that it's suppose to get easier to handle the triggers and all the other symptoms or issues as the healing process continues. Do you feel that you're getting adequate help from your therapist? That would be an important question to ask yourself. Getting the right help is key. You are absolutely correct-you have suffered enough. You deserve to be free from the pain and anguish. So, ask yourself if you think you are receiving adequate help and if you believe you are with the right therapist then try to remember that it will take time and be kind to yourself. You were not treated with the caring and compassion and nurturing that you deserved as a child. If you can, try to give those things to yourself now. I know it's hard to do but try to give yourself that loving self-compassion now. You truly deserve it. I wish you all the best.

[Fuzzybear]

[blueredgrey]

Dear SimonSays1,

I don't know the exact details of what you've gone thru and how you're holding up....but I completely disagree with your therapist that you'd have struggles for the rest of your life. If you are not happy with this therapist - do look out for another.

If you tackle all problems and give them time to heal, anyone can have a normal life. Therapy and improving life is about 1. Understanding your problems and 2. Working on problems you can improve and 3. Accepting problems you cannot improve.

I think you have already tackled 1. You are working on 2 and yes, you should completely accept who you are. Anger at your perpetrator is a very important part of healing - for they robbed you off your childhood.

You asked "Sometimes I wonder who would want to be around someone like myself?"......well you have a girlfriend who's with you right now and if she's not happy to be with you, she would have left you long time ago.

You don't hurt people, you respect them, and are leading a healthy life by exercising and eating right.....you live positive.......believe me, if we take away your mental pains caused by your mom.........your life looks pretty amazing to me.

Those pains are temporary and feeling that pain is part of the journey towards healing. I used to cry till my nose blocked and head hurt....then I used to cry till my nose blocked.....then just cry........now I don't cry.

Hang in there buddy. This is a rough part of your journey in every abused person's life....but there's always a rainbow that come out after the storm.

[SimonSays1]

Thank you all. My T I am currently seeing is provided through my place of employment. I will soon be looking for another one.

My girlfriend has known me 9 years but we have been in a relationship for 1 year. She has always known there was troubling things haunting me but did not know how bad it was until we became intimately acquainted. She is sweet and patient.

However, I have troubles acknowledging unconditional love nor do I trust many people. The one responsible for protecting me and nurturing me while I was defenceless and young had systematically abused me.

[cubabe29]

Don't EVER ACCEPT that this is who you are because it's not! What you can and need to accept is that you DID NOT deserve to be mentally tortured the way you were by your family! I can relate to how you are feeling as far as seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise there is and you have me and everyone else in this forum who are here for you through this healing process !!

Here are several things that you need to acknowledge as progress and a beginning to an end of an emotionally unhealthy environment you were raised in......
1. You have recognized that the issues you are dealing with in relationships in your adult life are a product of the toxic environment you grew up in and just the recognition of this is HUGE, even though you might or might not realize this yet, YOU WILL . I am in the exact same situation you are in right now and when I feel those sad, "why did this happen to me" & an enormous amount of hurt and anger......I tell myself that at least I am in my 30s when I have realized this, INSTEAD of when im 40, 50, 60 & worst of all NEVER realizing it which is true to the family members who emotionally abused all of us.
2. You have begun seeing a T which is an important resource for learning how to develop healthy coping skills when you experience those triggers. As far as your T telling you that you will struggle with this for the rest of your life is completely wrong in so many ways, a simple one being that was an "all-or-nothing" statement. You will NOT struggle with this for the rest of your life. I don't know how long it has been since you realized your emotionally abusive family environment has affected your relationships as an adult, but this this how many years you were exposed to this environment and tray to put that in a positive perspective in realizing that it is going to take time to heal. I agree with the others about your T. You DON'T need to waste your time and money on a T that isn't truly helping you move forward in your healing process.

You were never taught the necessary emotional tools to be able to use in your life (boundaries, love and respect who you are, be assertive, how to communicate effectively your emotions to others....) and neither was your family members.

However, you have the courage and motivation to FIGHT and NOT flight now!!!! It's almost like I feel I am the LUCKY ONE who has realized my mom has narcissistic personality disorder and I can do something about it now to begin to heal and start an emotionally healthy chapter in my life. I no longer have to wonder why my mom behaves that way and honestly I NO LONGER have to waste time in my T appts trying different ways to understand and communicate with her. I finally can focus on just myself moving forward to learn how to cope and begin the healing process.

To me, realizing that you were brought up in a toxic and emotionally abusive environment and wanting to break bring cycle is liberating in itself. This is such a cliche quote but it's true in every aspect "what doesn't kill you DOES MAKE YOU STRONGER!!!"

[Purple Heart]

Hi Simon

You mentioned your 5 year old self. I have been doing 'inner child healing' so that at each age of my childhood, can now express what he was never allowed to do. Most of it is expressing anger at the abuse I received at significant ages. Sometimes I literally scream so as to get the anger out. Expressing this anger at the abusers in a safe place works for me and is now allowing me to heal. I think in New York there is the Trauma centre, look it up as they deal with PTSD from childhood.