ok here goes...

i had the weirdest nightmare
perhaps trigger

I was in some kind of iceskating contest and someone came of the ice... rink...(?) so I could join and as I was speeding up everyone had stopped riding so me too and I looked behind me..
And there was this soccerplayer (ruud v/d nistelrooy) lying on the ground looking unconsious and everyone was staring at him but nobody was doing anything so I went ovr to him.
*trigger*

Then I saw that his leg had like... broken of under the knee and was lying a little further... no blood or anything .. as if he was a doll and it just broke of
So i left the icerink upset and still noone was doing anything cept someone saying poor guy, see the top of his foot also broke of

and then it was over. woke up almost gasping for air though and no i dunno why i dreamed about this. as far no-one i know let alone the soccerplayer has had anything wrong with their leg let alone something like that. I didnt see anything like it on tv and im not afraid to lose my own leg either... I just wonder why my mind comes up with such a.. twisted strange... nightmare
pfff... ok thats of my chest

Often nightmares don't make sense, it's just weird fragments from the day that our brains remember and put together. I hope your nightmares stop.


-Dingoroo

Hi there Blue (and others in similar positions),

I checked out this thread last Thursday and read through as much as I had time for. Forgive me if I've missed something, but I think I have a pretty good sense of what has been said over the past year or so.

First, I think it is wonderful that you have found a 'safe' place online to talk about your experiences and get support. As many others have said, your courage in 'talking' about your abuse is tremendous and will go a very long way toward your long term recovery. Second, I wanted to respond about the situation you have described in which you have been repeatedly threatened and intimidated into not disclosing your abuse to authorities. Unfortunately, I know nothing about the criminal justice system or child protective services system in the Netherlands. However, I do understand a bit about the psychology of people who abuse children and adolescents.

These people thrive on the sense of power they get from coercing someone they perceive as weaker into acts of their choosing. They need this sense of power because underneath their threats and cruelty, they have an acute awareness of their own emptiness and vulnerability. In fact, the driving force behind their threats is an overpowering fear of being exposed and/or getting caught. The more they threaten, the more afraid they must be. They work very hard to convince the people they abuse that they have all of the power and that the person they abuse has none.

Blue, the most important thing that you can remember is that the first step in changing your circumstances, if you choose to try to do so, is to recognize your own power. You are not powerless! You are not as weak as your abusers would like you to believe!

They may have lead you to believe that they are a limitless group of all powerful people. I think it is likely that this is a lie that has been crafted to make you believe that your situation is hopeless. However, even if it is true, no matter how many of them there are; there are some decent people in any community. Find these decent people! If in fact they are a large network, then you can use this to your advantage as well. The bigger the problem, the more resources will be at your disposal if you can get some key information to the right people.

I suspect that the folks at Interpol and in the upper levels of the Netherlands law enforcement structure would be very interested in busting up a large child-sexabuse ring. Get some evidence and send it to as many powerful people as you can think of.

Blue, you are not powerless. You do not have to continue to endure this kind of treatment. You have already found your voice online. It is time for you to find your power in your local community. Do be careful, but do not attribute more power to these scared depraived people than they have.

You can find decency in the world! It will take time to trust that this is true, but let your experiences on this site be the foundation for beginning to believe that there is someone out there (in the real world) who can and will help.

Respectfully,
fellowtraveler

Thanks for your reply
I actually have already had contact with the police about this... these people. Not lately though but ive had to answer a lot of questions.. embarassing tests at the hospital etc
And i know everyone will keep saying you gotta tell someone, tell the police, anyone..
But every time i actually did... or it got out because they messed up or something...
Every time people say you're safe now, the police will help keep you safe now... Or something similar.
And every time they've been wrong. It never actually did stop... just for a while.. before something would happen again.. It just seems so pointless i guess. its not gonna stop. and im sorry if i sound like i just wanna whine about me and dont actually wanna do something about it.
sorry. i just.. i dont know anymore.. sometimes i just want to give up and hope they will go trough with all of their treaths... but then I think about my brother and id never want to do something like that to him.
but i dont know.. if i can/want to fight for me any longer. it seems ... pointless. again.. sorry if this comes across as selfpity or whatever

thanks for your replies

Blue

had to go today :S
not good
ergh..
at least should be able to stay home as of tomorrow cause then my brother comes home from the hosp and he cant stay home alone either nor go to school
ill just.. refuse... hide in bathroom... whatever.. if they try to make me go again
i figured id be able to avoid him but when had to wait for fosters to come pick me up.. :/

(( Blue ))
Sorry things are bad.
No advice sorry but here for you.

it feels like I LET him do this stuff... LET them do this stuff
i mean i just kind of .. froze.. just wished .. if they just go trough with their treaths id be finally free of that crap ya know.. dw i would never do such a thing to my brother but.... sometimes... if i didnt have him.. id see no point in staying on this gd awfull planet.
ive been going back and forth between being numb as if nothing happened and feeling absolutely awfull digusted with myself, feeling soso dirty...
at least its a reminder im never truly gonna get away from this.. no hoping/thinking its over now and then get hurt so much worse when something DOES happen again... as it always does... im sorry cant be positive no more

blue

Please don't lose hope you will get away.

Never think it's your fault because it's not. Nobody, nobody has the right to hurt you in any way.

((((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))))

couldnt type it again... had to copy and poste from another site... going ofline now though before i remove it again
its long... triggering too sorry
------------

You know... sometimes it just never seems to end.
This school I went to.. since we had to move from our supposed to be 'permanent fosterparents' because they thought.. i dunno it was to hard or we were to.. difficult i dont know..
Anyway at first was just normal school like most. Kids nice enough etc. But then after a while... one of THEM showed up there... appereantly a teacher there who had been away for awhile i dont know why... I had to run to the toilet so i wouldnt throw up on the floor... He acting all 'worried' whats up do you need to go home etc.. touching my shoulder ugh... Next day he tried to talk to me but I avoided him... Then wasnt so lucky... dont tell me i should tell someone i know i should have but.. just cant. sorry *TRIGGER*
First he started touching me.. then went further ... sorry i feel so disgusted.. why didnt i do anything.. bit him kicked screamed anything.. avoided him stayed with other people... but he kept finding me alone somehow and i just... froze.. just let him do this.. did what he said...
pppff sitting here for minutes now trying to write this and not get a panickattack..
I then stayed home for 2 days ...but the fosters made me go to school because they couldnt stay home for me... we're not supposed to stay home alone or go anywhere alone for that matter to make sure these things do NOT happen..
well the last 3 hours fell out and the hour before was a free hour anyway.... so school had called my fosterparents and/or ss to ask if anyone could pick me up. appereantly they couldnt but i didnt know... HE had called. Was walking with me outside, i was thinking to wait till someone would pick me up. But he kind of pushed me in his own car and before i knew it whe were driving away... said he had told my fosters that he would bring me home so me and my fosterdad would be home at about the same time... and that he had said only the last hour fell out... pff ok.. break...
so i knew what was gonna happen and tried the doorhandles but he had 'child locked' them. took me to his own house.. or someone elses house i am not sure... took maybe 5 minutes..had a deathgrip on my arm when he walked me into the house... i should have struggled.. screamed, yelled... there WERE PEOPLE OUTSIDE... they WOULD have heard me... but i didnt.. and before i realised it we were inside. His voice his face changed like I was used to. I think i kind of went into survival mode... usefull before.. now i dont know.. i dont know if i could have escaped or alerted someone if i had tried when i was inside.. probably not but still... I dont think i would have cared if he had killed me right there though... dragged me upstairs took my clothes of and well... i just looked at the clock trying ... i dont know.. like i did before... trying to convince myself its just my body stuff happens too not me ... cant feel it.. im not there.. i couldnt do it though.. not like i was used to... felt everything unfortunately... about half a hour later a few other people started arriving and soon there were 6 of them. couldnt try to dissociate very well anymore then (think thats what people call it) as they made me do stuff now... ohmygod... cant believe i actually wrote this..down...
thankfully havent had to go to school the next day because my brother came down from the hospital and now at least one of them HAD to be home for him anyway... and now we moving in a few days.. thankfully... i feel so disgusted though.. so... dissapointed in myself.. i just let him do this stuff... let them... do all of that stuff again.. oh godd... sorry..
--------------------------
:/ :S ok now im really gonna throw up

(((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))) i am so so sorry this is happening. I am so glad you are moving (((((((((((((((blue))))))))))))))))).
don't ever feel disgusted with yourself, you did nothing wrong. and also, people can say 'oh you should have screamed' or whatever but it isn't like that when it is happening. because you are scared, terrified, confused, memories are coming up etc. you kinda get paralysed. survival mode you called it. don't ever be disgusted with yourself, you are not dirty. ((((((((((((((((((((blue))))))))))))))))))))))

<font color="purple">I agree with hellishlygood, it's not your fault for freezing up like that, it doesn't mean that you let him do anything. It's just 'survival mode' like you called it. You're not dirty, so please don't feel disgusted with yourself. </font>

I KNOW most of that.. but just feels different i guess..

BIG trigger...

i hear them talk... like nothing is happening
I feel their hands... i hear them bark commands..
I feel them kick me in my side when i dont react..
I can hear the radio on the background playing 80's music
I feel .. him.. in me... I see them looking at me ... someone else now... i hear him telling me to turn around.. I see him fumble with his zipper.. seeing his pants underwear pushed down.. I feel him grabbing my hair and pushing me down... I can smell his body... i feel a punch in my stomach because I didnt do as he said immedeatly.. i can taste his... when he coming.. then after i hear him telling me to turn around again...I hear him telling me to get down on my knees and hands... I remember knowing whats coming next... I feel the pain... I remember knowing this will go on for at least another hour and a half
I remember wishing i was dead

I feel disgusted... I feel bad wishing i was dead cause i'd leave my brother alone here... I'd never do that to him no worries.. I can feel everything hear everything see everything smell everything taste everything.... as if it was now not a couple of weeks ago...

I don't have wise words to tell you. All I can say is that I care for you.

These people that are hurting you should be locked up in jail.

Did you ever learn self defence? Maybe you could take some courses.

(((((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))))))

ever since the last .. time.. happened I dunno.. is like something.. snapped inside of me or something
everything seems so pointless
flashbacks nightmares bodymemories worse then ever
my bro knows something happened just not exactly what
i wont tell him he doesnt need to know
It's just like.. things werent great already but this kind of added an extra layer of darkness... i dunno.. nothing really cheers me up anymore not much anyway. feel like just giving up so often i feel horrible about that but i cant help it sometimes. but its just.. not going to stop.. its just waiting till the next time... and it wears me out
so i carry on pretending im ok or atleast somewhat ok but it doesnt always work anymore

hey. i know youve had a bad time lately sweetie.

heres a bit i copied from another post by spottedowl

sorry for copying it, but it is good.

'
One exercise that is suggested (that I do off and on), is to take time in the shower to pat each body part, and just 'notice' how it feels. No judgement, just notice it. Change the water pressure or temp, and repeat.'

just repeating it here in case it might help.

*hugs*
take care honey.
dot

((((Blue))))) Honey, I'm SO sorry, I wish there was something I could do or say. You are loved. Keep fighting. don't let them win. I'm here with you.
((((blue)))))

thanks
sometimes it just seems to pointles to keep fighting..
thankfully i have my brother to keep on going for anyway

It's not pointless blue, it really isn't. It's not so very long until you'll be able to move out and be independant.

I'm glad you have your brother too.

sorry

Don't be sorry blue.

You have nothing to be sorry about.

It is the people who have hurt you that have so so much to be sorry for.

yes.. i know.. most of the time
its just so confusing sometimes is all
i cant explain how messed up i feel sometimes
some things that are so normal to other people they dont even think about, i can't do or only with great difficulty
all of these awfull memories i cant shake
some that dont even make much sense to me
one time im dreaming about this one time when i was like 5 or im not sure something like that and father made sure i never would be able to draw with pencils again (they for sure must have thought i was nuts at school).
Or when I was so hungry I stole my teachers lunch and was sure i would go to hell for that
and then there's the nightmares of completely going blind they really terrify me
and so on and so forth..
I feel like im fricking falling apart or something i dont know

((((((((blue))))))))))

That is all completely understandable.

The way I see it- why go through all this, be strong enough to live through all of that so farm, if you don't get to the point where you are free and indepedant of them, and not entirely broken either?

Those memories won't leave you easily. I wish that they didn't hurt and upset you so much though.

But you do not seem like you are falling apart

I love you and dont even no you. Just for being a child who had no control over the aNIAMLS who inflicted you. anyone can bare a child my friend but to be a parent and protect you isnt something everyone is capible of doing so, you are not damaged, your body and soul still belongs to you. They can take it and tear it apart but its still yours. they cant touch your spirit, ever no matter what they threaten to you so they can continue to tourcher you, dont let them anymore, Once you hurl over the fear you will be in control. Many men go into battle even if it will cost them there life. Go fight your battle, full on

Blue,

I haven't read all the posts on this thread as it goes back to last December. But, I wanted to make a comment to you, I think you are a brave person and I am sorry you have gone through so much garbage in a short lifetime.

I don't think you are going crazy! I think it could be Post Traumatic Shock Disorder - something that happens when people go through really rugged stuff or bad things like abuse. PTSD is a problem, but it can be healed. Like so many others I urge you to keep looking for someone safe you can tell this to and get some protection.

Hang in there, I respect you for trying so hard. Your brother is luck you are related and I hope you wont always be separated.

Leslieann and the pixies