I'm a 14 year old and I don't know how to deal with my abusive parents

Hi, so I'm a 14 year old living in Hong Kong and right now I don't really feel safe with my parents and kind of scared. Like I don't mean that I think they would try to kill me or seriously injure me, but basically for a very long time we've been having family issues and right now I just feel extremely worried about seeing them or even thinking about them or having to talk about them (I live in Hong Kong but I'm in another country for some time without my parents) and I just don't want to go back. I'm going to try to explain some of our issues for context (sorry some things might be repetitive).

My father's a man-child addicted with video games and he's also extremely selfish, like he always buys stuff he doesn't need and spend a bunch of money (that could be spent on more important stuff like education) or prioritizes things he wants to and his video games. At home, we speak french, and I don't know why he has this obsession of using the perfectly correct syntax/grammar and honestly it just becomes kind of scary because when I say something wrong he takes something and throws it really hard to me and then after he and my mother just start laughing like if hurting me is a joke and is fun and ironically my mother's a lawyer so I feel like she's the last person who should be laughing about this. My mother won't really do anything about my father, even though I tried to ask her to, but then she just told me things that made me feel guilty that even if he's not perfect, I should still appreciate having a father at all (since she didn't have one growing up), and I don't know if this sounds wrong but I feel like she shouldn't take out her past on me to make me feel bad. I don't think that's her intention and I think that deep down she does love me and my father too but they both just keep doing things against me that just make me scared of them and just worried and think that I maybe just don't deserve a family that loves me since I'm bad. They keep telling me really mean things, that I ruin their life or that I'm a horrible and hateable person, to not be a ******, that I'm going to be the reason for my mother to lose her job, if she ever went into depression it would be my fault, etc. I tried to solve the problem and to just talk it out for a long time and make peace so many times but it won't do anything. They just keep repeating it again and again and sometimes I just feel like it's true and now I'm thinking about if it is my fault, if I'm being unreasonable, if I really just am a horrible person (do you think so?). My father just thinks I'm crazy and denies stuff (but sometimes he does own up to some stuff but I feel like in the end it doesn't make anything change a d he just keeps on doing it) and then blames it on me or gaslights me that he took care of me when I was younger even though I know from seeing it myself (or for some things of when I was too young to remember from other people) that he was just ignoring me crying in the crib and spending all night playing video games. My parents just keep parentifying me like if I'm the adult of the house and responsible for their mental health and I tried to tell my father that's enough video games for today but he just said let me finish that game and than just kept playing after and then makes me feel like I'm wrong and that he actually barely played all day even though I know he has but my parents are so manipulative that even I sometimes start to believe them even though I've seen the exact opposite. One thing I'm really scared and worried about is that if one day something really really bad happens I don't know what to do since my parents make everyone believe that they are amazing parents (my father just has this sort of charm that can make you feel like he's right and my mother just cries and victimizes herself to convince people and I feel like it sort of works on me too). Once a acted a bit weird around them when my friend was at my house, and they managed to make her think that I was mad at them because of a teenager phase. I've been seeing a psychiatrist in the last few months to help me deal with my family issues and my mother keeps texting her into thinking what my mother says is true and not knowing the full story and I feel like this is just making me even more worried. My psychiatrist thinks that this is just a miscommunication issue (I didn't talk to her about absolutely everything either) but I don't really feel like it's just that since I've tried to talk to my parents a bunch of times before but nothing really happens. I was thinking about just stopping the therapy sessions because if my psychiatrist doesn't understand what's happening and therapy just makes me feel worse because of that there's no point in doing it. Is it a good idea?

My parents also do some things that compared to my friend's parents I find kind of weird. Like when I was around 10 and under they would take some pictures of me naked, I asked them if they could delete them because they made me feel uncomfortable and they said no, that they are memories. Is this normal or not? Also, some stuff like the medicine I take is usually a few years expired and my mother says it's fine and to just take it even though sometimes it's like 13 years expired or more. I don't really know if medicine is something you can just keep for a long time like sugar and if the expiration date doesn't really mean anything. Is this true?

I tried to confront my parents about my father throwing things to me hard that this not a joke and that it actually hurts and they said they were really sorry and that my father wouldn't do it again and my mother told me that if I had asked her she would have put a stop to it straight away. Now I'm just really careful when I speak to my father to use the right grammar in french but I'm still scared that I might do or say something wrong and that my father will start doing this again. I also tried to talk to them about the things they can say/do to me but it just happens again so now I just stopped trying to convince them. I know you can't change people.

I tried to explain this to my friend and thankfully she believes me and so I tried to ask her if her parents could adopt me and that I could give them some money for education or food by giving some music classes or babysitting but she told me that she was sorry and that her parents couldn't afford raising another child which I understand. I'm still really disappointed and sad from it right now because I was thinking that this could actually happen and actually be over and know I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any suggestions please help, I'd really appreciate any tip that could help me or if you think that I should do one of the options I have.

For now these are the options I'm thinking about:
1) ask my other friend's parents to adopt me (I personally feel like this would be the ideal option but i don't know if her parents would agree)
2) my friend told me that I should call the Child Protective Services of HK (if anyone knows what they're called or their number please tell me)
The problem is that I really want to stay in my school since my friends there are the only people I have that make me feel happy and if i got involved with Child Protective Services the chance that I'm in the same school is really low .
What I'm also worried about is where would I go if I did decide to call them?
I also don't really know if they would take my case seriously and if it would just make the problems worse (my parents also have some photos of me seeming happy when I was younger so I don't know if that would make the CPS believe my parents, my parents are really good at hiding everything happening). Would what I describe even be considered as abuse?
3) stay with my parents until I'm 18 but honestly I just don't want to do this, I don't think I'm going to be able to spend another 4 years having to see them and them having to see me
4) please give me any advice if you have some

At this point I don't know what to do anymore and just constantly feel that I'm a bad person and that all of this is my fault. Please tell me if you have any advice of what I should do.

Hio @Jade345 welcome to MSF. It sounds like you live in a challenging situation. That must be rough.

What kind of music lessons would you give? Is music an important part of your life?

What kinds of things give you joy?

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

Hi @CANDC
Thanks for your message
I would probably give some violin lessons to begginers. I think music is an important part of my life. I really like listening to it. The main thing that gives me a lot joy is being at school with my friends, they're my favorite people in the world, but then I don't really like when I come back home in the evening. I guess I also like writing poems sometimes.

I hear you @Jade345 we can pick our friends but we are born with our family. It is nice that you have music to help you feel a connection to self worth. Can you play music at home without interference?

I like poems. You can post one here if you care to but we also have a dedicated forum at MSF for Creative writing https://mysupportforums.org/creative-corner/ You can post as often as you like.

We also have a forum for Survivors of Abuse if you feel that you want to read others post about that or post a thread yourself. https://mysupportforums.org/survivors-of-abuse/

I am sorry that you have a challenge at home. If it helps to share here, many people have suffered mental health challenges and do not have stigmas about those. I hid my mental health challenges from my family because they just did not understand and were worried what the neighbors would think.

I know French is not a fun thing for you to use because of the reactions of your father but someday French or English may be something that will help support yourself.

It is not easy being a teen alone in this world and so if things do not work out for alternativees you are thinking about you could use the next 4 years as a training ground to help you learn about difficult situations.

I am sorry there are no easy answers to your situation but we do want to hear about your story. Many people read your posts even if they do not reply and your story is an important one for you to tell. But also it is important that if we cannot change the situation that triggers us, to work out an effective strategy and ways to cope with it.

Feel free to continue to ask questions and give us updates on how you are doing.

With kind regards
CAMDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

@canc

I'll check out the forums you recommended to me (maybe I'll post some of my poems). If the alternatives don't work I'll definitely try to see the next 4 years as a training ground. Even if it doesn't completely change the problem I think it does help to share here and to read other people's posts. It makes me feel slightly less alone. Thank you for haven taken the time to read everything I posted (since I know it can be a bit long), and thank you for having given me these suggestions. I think they maybe could help me.

jade, I don't wonder that you struggle with this right now.

I was abused starting at 5 years old to 18, then other adult stuff too (rape/date rape/etc.)

Do not be so hard on yourself.

No one here will judge you.

@Blueberrybook

I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Thanks for your message and your support. I really needed that. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who stuff like this is happening to and I can talk to people that share the same type of experiences and to know that they don't think I'm like just crazy about this.

Sorry to hear about your ordeal. I know how hard it is to be scared in your own home. I was scared of my sister growing up, and I felt like I had no where to go. Remember, you are not the only one. Share your story with your trusted relatives or friends who may be able to assist you. I wish you strength.

Hi @Abusedbysister

Thank you a lot for your support.
I'll try to talk about it to my close friend and it already makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm not the only one and that I can also contact people and that we can support each other.
I'm really sorry to hear about your sister. I know siblings can sometimes fight, but when it becomes abusive it's not ok. I also wish you a lot of strength.