TRIGGER WARNING- Violence

(By the way, sorry if there's a bunch of run-on sentences in the text below, I tend to use incorrect grammar when I type about things like this.)

I just can't deal with one image anymore, I can't. I close my eyes and it's there, I see it in my sleep, wherever I look something reminds me of it. I can't talk about it to people in my life, I open my mouth but words don't come out... no matter how hard I try words just don't come out. I can't get it out of my head, I wish I had never made myself remember, I wish it had never happened so I'm going to write it here because I can write I just can't talk. I know this won't get it out forever but maybe it will bring a little peace to my day today because I feel like I'm going crazy inside with the image in my head.

I'm 4 and I'm sitting in the room and I watch my dad hang my baby brother from the ceiling with a noose. I'm 4 and I just watch it and I can't go away I'm not allowed he makes me just sit there and watch my baby brother hang there and he watches it to and he doesn't care at all he's enjoying watching it and wherever I look I see my brother hanging there and it won't go away he was so young he didn't deserve it and I wish I had never remembered now and I wish I could get it out but it won't go out of me and I feel like I'm going insane inside and I just want it to stop.

Thanks everyone for being here.

[Cthomas]

Ledge,

Im so sorry that you had to witness that. I want you to know im here if you need to chat. We can do a private chat whatever you need.

Im sending gentle hugs and holding your hand. IM sorry you had to see what happened.

No child deserves to be treated that way.

Colleen

[pachyderm]

You say you have this image. Forgive me if I make a mistake here, but do you know that it is true? In any case, my instinct is to say that you do need to talk about it with someone; is there a therapist you could relate this to? Better, I think, than to let it fester inside.

[mtd]

Ledgewood,

Your experiences as a child were horrific and I am so sorry you have lived through them and continue to experience the aftermath of someone else's extreme inhumanity. But I don't think you are going insane. I think you are feeling the shock and horror of witnessing such evil, while at the same time experiencing such grief and powerlessness to help your innocent brother. That is a horrible place to be trapped, but try to separate yourself from the "insanity". It wasn't your insanity, it was your father's insane acts. What you feel today is probably not you losing control and going insane, but more feeling deep grief and compassion for your brother. For you, to be insane would be to lose touch with those genuine feelings of humanity.

You have survived and are surviving. The essential person you are has not been defeated. Continue to stay true to yourself and this will get better in time.

In my experience with horrific images, I had to draw them and mold them into clay, run my hands over them, tear them, smash them -- that helped take them out of my head and take the power out of them. You may want to try some of these types of things, preferrably with the help of a therapist or other people in a supportive setting. You don't have to be alone with this -- it's hard work and you deserver help and support.

be well,

mtd

Thanks everyone.

I do know it's true- I remember events relating to it and I don't question the truth behind it.

I just have so much trouble talking about it, I really can't, I freeze up and I can't talk.

The idea of the clay sounds interesting, thanks for the suggestion.

you have been thru so very much my friend.... my heart is with you...

those "images".... are there for me too... they are my "images"... frozen for what seems like forever....

working with a "medium".... might help to get the emotions out... perhaps not the "snapshot".... it has helped me..... I never know what the "medium" is going to be.... until I just "start"...

I think.. this will never help.... and then as I start to get into a project... it does...

for me... I have used.. collages.... with pictures symbolizing... the emotions... and... I don't "think" really... as I build... it just "flows" out of me onto the paper.. or whatever I am building... once I built a scale model... of a room where I was raped... and that helped... because as I went about building this model - my "feelings" just processed......

they "unfroze"... the feelings... they "released"... I didn't have the "words... to talk about the experience... but could put it into another form....

the "end result".... was the "image" was there still - but didn't "haunt" my every moment.... there wasn't the pain, the feelings surrounding the "snapshot".... so it didn't "hurt" me or "haunt" me anymore...

[sunrise]

Ledgewood, that is a horrific image and I am so sorry you had to experience that.

My therapist uses EMDR for helping process past "stuck" traumatic memories like that. Have you considered EMDR?

I'm not really sure what EMDR is- I've heard it talked about but I've never really known how it works or what it is.

[wisewoman]

mtd said what I would want to say. EMDR is a therapy method where the attempt is to desensitize you from an event. You can look it up as far as what the therapist does etc. it helped me around foster daughter's death in 1999. but I have been unable to do it on severe issues of abuse etc. If you could try I would though. You don't have to speak of the trauma, you choose the direction and report back on your feelings as the therapist uses light or gentle touching left to right to help your brain reprocess what you are thinking of. It is interesting stuff but we all have different ways.

[Cthomas]

Emdr is exactly that. it desensitizes you from the event. the day of emdr is a good day, day after when the processing in our brains begin is rough. but it DOES get better and it DOES work. at least for me it does.

Let me know if you have any questions, pm me or i will post whenever you need.

Colleen

Thanks, I can do a bit of research on it, I'm assuming there's probably a few websites on it on the web.

Could it interfere, however, with other parts of a person's diagnosis? Any studies on that anyone has heard of?

[Cthomas]

Not that im aware of. Shouldnt interfere with anything. its just to make that portion of your mind deal better with the trauma you went through. It is just for desensitization.

its to take the pain and turn it around. and it DOES work.

It takes concentration, and continuation. You will have days where you will dread going, but i promise if you stick with it you will see results later on. ive done it for 5 months now.

Dont like going but the end result is what keeps me there.....and my mother bribing me....LOL

colleen

Hm, sounds interesting. Is it something most therapists are trained in, or would I need to find a specially trained one?

[Cthomas]

My T is trained in emdr therapy. It is interesting. once you experience it you will see what i mean. its odd really and very difficult to put into words. but its something that distracts you to react you? ok did that make sense?

it distracts you from other fog in the mind, brings the abuse or trauma to the forefront, then t works to reprocess it.

Make sense? hope this is helping.....sorry!

Colleen

Bringing the trauma and abuse to the forefront sounds pretty scary, it's kind of something I want to bury in the back of my head but I can't.

And ty, it's a help, don't worry.

[Cthomas]

Dont get me wrong. it IS skeery. but the reason to do it is because the residual damage being done by NOT talking and keeping it in is even worse.

I used to panic every day. its much less now. it hurts AND helps. the end result.....i feel good. most days.

Colleen

I'm just scared of talking about it to a therapist, I really have a very hard time just starting to talk about it.

[Cthomas]

So did i. and i couldnt cry at ALL. but after 5 months, i can easily most of the time, talk about these things.

its making me more open to talking and letting myself cry when i need it. two things i would have never thought i was strong enough to do.

Just try. its all anybody can ask. its for the good of YOU.

Colleen

It's starting or considering something new that scares me, it's kind of like jumping off a diving board, it looks so scary and you just freeze up and you can't do it that first time.

Probably a poor analogy

[Cthomas]

Nope GREAT analogy!

its exactly what it feels like too. but seriously it DOES help. well ive heard both sides. some say it does help. some it doesnt. you dont know till you try tho right? well worth it to feel better in a while huh?

I think so! If you DO do it, let me know what you think k?

colleen

PS and if youre worried i will be more than happy to be available afterwards to chat.

Once other things in my life have settled down a bit I'll talk to my T about it- don't really want to start anything that big up right now, but there's no harm in asking about it I suppose.

Thanks for the support, having a rough time lately and it helps.

[Cthomas]

I think we are all having "moments" this last week. at least i know I am. Not trying to push it, do it when it feels right to YOU. thats what matters most. and when youre ready feel free to pm me and we can chat over email ok?

in the meantime, take it easy and pm me if you want to talk ok?

Colleen

[wisewoman]

For a lot of years I could not stay in the same room as my trauma, literally. If I would start to get close in therapy I would bolt. I also did other things that were designed when the trauma happened to keep me alive and my mind intact. Separating parts of self, self harming, vomiting. No fun at all but the trauma is out and I can discuss it with the therapist and I am trying to desensitize more. T wants me to do more emdr but like Colleen said it is hard. It is a path and might be yours. It helped me a lot so I really wish I would do it on the residual fear crap. AND GUILT, AND SHAME. I hope you find a path. You seem like such a nice person and I know that pain and it's horrid. I wish I could just lift it from you and put it away.

[sunrise]

Ledgewood, EMDR need not be a longterm, huge undertaking. I had only 5 sessions and it helped me tremendously with specific traumatic abuse memories from my past. What really helps is to have a clear "target", a traumatic memory or specific image to focus on, and it sounds like you have a really well-defined target. There are some good websites on EMDR, but I would also like to recommend a book to you. It is a great introduction for the client, is very accessible, and will give you the flavor of what EMDR is like and how it can help. There are lots of specific examples. It's a fast and interesting read. Here is the book, by David Grand:

Emotional Healing at Warp Speed: the Power of EMDR

(If you do EMDR, you should get a therapist who is certified through level 2 of EMDR training.)