Things I can't remember

Recently told my T about lots of "holes" in my memory - all dealing with my father. I remember vividly several instances when he'd be angry and grab me, but have no recollection of what happened after that. On one occasion an older cousin stayed with us while my mother was out of town. We were sleeping in the guest room together and Dad came in angry because we were being too loud. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to my room. Then I'm blank until the next morning when he came to apologize for yelling at me, but told me I deserved "the other." He left for work and my cousin came in. I asked her why she had been screaming, did Dad come back to her room. She said she hadn't screamed, it was me. That's all I remember. It's been over 20 years and she won't talk to me about what she knows. There are other holes my memory, but this is the only one where there was a witness.

My T asked me if I thought I had been molested, I told her no and I believed that. But I can't say for sure b/c I don't remember. Been doing some thinking about the point at which I didn't have the gaps anymore and it seems like it was right about the time I hit puberty. Makes me wonder what significance that plays. I've read that most times fathers become most sexually attracted to their daughters AFTER puberty. So I'm hoping that it was "only" a physical thing. But might it also make sense that he would have stopped then for fear of pregnancy. I don't know and I don't know if I ever WANT to know.

Any opinions? Similar experiences?

I don't have a similar experience, but I have read before about men who molest their daughter and stop at puberty to avoid a pregnancy. So it is possible.

(((Hugs)))<--- only if you want them

I wish I could answer your questions for you, but I can't. I can only offer you friendship and support as you face these difficult things, and answer your own questions. Best of luck to you. Keep posting and sharing your feelings, let us know how you are doing!

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

I have huge holes in my memory. Through one thing and another, I have been able to recover that I was molested, but I only really remember the tiniest few details. That's really normal, I'm told -- you blank out the really painful stuff.

I had a horrible time with math, and my parents sent me to a tutor from 2nd to 8th grade. In 8th grade, she told me once that she wasn't sure she would see me week to week, because she never knew if I would live that long. Kind of a bizarre thing to say to a 14 year old, and she never explained what she meant by that, and I have no idea.

Your T can work with what you have so far. If more comes, it comes, and if it doesn't, it still doesn't mean it didn't happen -- but you don't have to force anything. Maybe none of that will ever come back (I hope not, for your sake!), but your T can help treat the symptoms you have now that might have come out of those experiences.

Good luck to you.

Candy

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. -- Albert Camus

Girllazy,

First off, it was possible you could be sexually abused with no chance of getting pregnant. Intercourse is not the only type of sexual abuse. A lot of people tend to think if they were "only" touched it wasn't "really" abuse... that's not true. Any invasion of our space and breaking of parental boundaries IS abuse.

Two, it is possible your father was very angry as you approached adolescence... because of sexuality issues or because of behavior issues or because of his own stuff. Teenage years are USUALLY stressful and people do take that out in violence. Beatings are abuse, too... this is not an either or situation.

Don't discount your feelings... about being molested or not. You will figure out this all in it's own time. One thing I have learned over the past fifteen years of puzzling over this abuse stuff is that the "big picture" is a LOT more informative than we give it credit for.

For instance, I spent many years obsessing over whether or not my "recovered" memories of sa were "true". This obsessing kept me blind to other abuse... physcial, sexual and emotional, that was OBVIOUS. I think I just wasn't ready to see it... so I obsessed over the things I could possibly discount... eventually it all became clear, tho.

In your case, you are describing an out of control father -- I mean, geesh, all you did was make too much noise when you had a guest... certainly NOT cause to drag you from the room or do ANYTHING that would cause your cousin to hear you screaming -- what an awful memory for you BOTH.

And now your cousin refuses to discuss this incident... that indicated a closed family system very much in denial. Put that together with the beatings and memory gaps and it is pretty obvious you were mistreated.

Sorry to be so blunt... hope this helps. L

Memories cannot be forced. The more you force to remember something the further you are pushing that memory back.

Your memories surrounding these issues will show it's ugly face, but not until you are ready to deal with them. Do you know what I mean? This kind of thing cannot be rushed.

You aren't ready to maybe deal with these kind of memories because they were traumatic. Alot of people who have been abuse, raped ect don't remember the actual abuse. They feel something happened but cannot remember what that was. It does come back. There were things I forgot abuse and rape that I endured at the hands of my ex, and the only reason why I remembered it was because I had written it down and came across that paper once.

The memories will come , just takes time. Don't rush it, because like I said before you are actually just pushing them back further into your mind.

Continue to talk to your therapist that is a postive step for recovery.

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