[Christina86]

Intellectually I know all there is to know:
- It wasn't my fault.
- I was the 'victim' (I HATE that word)
- It was abuse, even if it wasn't that bad
- I didn't deserve it

... but why do my emotions play with me and tell me otherwise, consistently?

How is one supposed to process this? I can't at T, because she's leaving in 2? meetings. I don't want to seek out therapy specifically for this. I want to do it at school, where I feel safe with counsellors around that I genuinely like (the ones I've been in contact with anyways).

Is there a book I should read? Is there some sort of mantra I should say to convince myself of all of the above?

... I just want the memories to stop. They got bad again over the weekend since I went home, and now it's freaking me out again.

How does one "get over" this? Is it even possible?

I feel like damaged goods. And very ... icky, dirty, bad.

Ewww.

If this post makes no sense... other entries are posted here:

TRIGGER WARNING. DO NOT CLICK IF YOURE NOT IN A SAFE SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no more memories, please (Jan 25/08)

What HE did to me (September 11/07)

There are other posts... but that's good enough.

Any help appreciated, thanks everyone

[Kiya]

(((((holding you close this night))))))

[bchlyn]

i have worked through several books with my t... right now i am about to start the Uncared Project... you can get it off the website committed to freedom... it is christian based.

i think that we "know" the truth but the lies our abusers have told us are so deeply ingrained in our souls that we have to replace them with the truth... i try and replace those messages with the truth even if i don't believe it at the time... and i think the more we do that the more we erase the false message... does that make sense... my t use to have me chart my si cycle... and part of the assignment was to put the messages i tell myself prior and after in the middle of the chart... he would then tell me to rewrite them with the truth... and it was really hard because i really believed the lies... so i would write "t wants me to say!" he use to laugh... but the truth is the more i did it... the more i believed it... take gentle care...lyn

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Lyn)))))))))))))))))

thank you both.

[Christina86]

Okay.

*If* it wasn't my fault... I don't know if I'm comfortable blaming anyone. Does that make sense? I don't like conflict, and that causes such an internal conflict. I don't want to make people upset.

Okay. So *if* it wasn't my fault... how do I get over this?

I just feel... dirty.

If he was in a position of authority, then maybe it wasn't my fault.

But was he? I don't know.

I just live by the mantra of trying to protect others, and to help everyone else. Yes, I have control issues. I know that.

But I still struggle with the fact that maybe I didn't have control then. Maybe I still don't have control now.

If I didn't have control then, does that mean that everything bad that I do to myself isn't me controlling myself? That it's because of him, that he's still controlling me?

That scares me.

How can I make sense in my head? Other people in worse situations, I *know* it wasn't their fault. Never blame the victim. I just don't see myself as one, maybe that's part of the problem.

I've been accused of playing the victim, and it's always seen negatively. If there was another word for it, maybe that would help. Is there? I don't know.

Why do I want to re-'victimize' myself then?

Why would I put myself through that again?

It was bad enough the first time.

I just can't process the body responses. It's hard to process the feelings. But I can *rationally* agree with the fact that it wasn't my fault. I can *rationally* agree that it was an authority figure, and that I didn't really have power.

It's when my heart gets involved, and when my emotions get involved that it gets messy.

[bchlyn]

yup... i know just what your saying... i don't like conflict either and am able to take responsibility in a heart beat... but i can say for you (not so easy for me) that it was't your fault... and that you don't deserve to be hurt anymore... it seems the memories my body holds and are more sensory then cognitive trigger the urge to cut... and are much harder to process... they leave me feeling emotions i have no clue how to make sense of... your right it's really sad that we re-victimize ourselves... i had never really thought of it that way before... i had always thought of it more as a way to protect myself to be honest... i know that sounds really warped... anyway take gentle care...lyn

[wisewoman]

I also hate "victim". Abuse teaches us backwards things. Listen to what the good people say and try to live in the present.