[iamtwilight]

Trigger because post mentions sexual abuse and abuse in general..

Hi. I'm Katie, and I usually hang around in the Dissociative Disorders / Schizophrenia forums.. But anyways.. I thought this post was more appropriate here than at the Dissociative one.

Anyway. I, like many others, have a biological father. (Oh how I wish he wasn't.) He's had an alcohol problem for 15 years.. And I guess that's one of the reasons why I have DID. (Or suspect that I have. I can't think of it being anything else, it just makes perfect sense)'

Once, when drunk, he confessed to his friend that he had sexually abused me as a child. What a sicko. To a friend. I wonder why this friend hasn't reported him to the police or so. Unless this friend was with my father.... I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to remember. I do remember some things.. But I'm not sure if those are real memories, those memories date back to where I was still an infant.

Very sick. I hate him to the core, but still somehow, he's my father, and my mother sticks with him, so... I guess I want to try to keep this family together. Though it is quite dysfunctional to say the least. I always try to please my parents even though I get nothing in return.. Just get treated bad.

Now, my father's drunk and he was obviously jealous about me being with my boyfriend and tried to get details about our sexual activities. Again, very sick. My father's a 65 year old man. Also, he tried to hint that it was not okay to for example, have a shower with him, what the heck, I'm a grown woman and I can decide who I want to shower with.

I wonder if that's normal for a father to ask?? I don't think it is. But somehow he seems to justify every wrong thing he does.. And I'm left.. Being wrong again.

I'm just... Very sick of this... And I'm too embarrassed to tell my T about this. She thinks my biggest problem is overcoming psychosis. It was, but now, things are different. I can't even bring my boyfriend to my house anymore because I'm afraid my father will say something. He only says things when he's drunk, but you never know when he's drunk or not.

Argh, I want to get out of here but can't until September. Even that is unsure. I'm working on my application to an university in Sweden and I really hope I do get there. And once again I keep thinking what my parents will say, how will I explain this crazy idea... I can't help it, it's how I've been taught to think. It's going to take a while for me to realise even my opinions can be right..

I keep telling myself that I don't need to be treated bad. And I don't need people who treat me bad.. But it just doesn't work.

I'm pretty clueless.. I feel bad out of here, and I feel bad here. The only times I don't feel bad are when I'm with my boyfriend, and I get to see him during weekends only.

Hoping for time to pass faster..

Sorry this turned into a long ramble.. I can't think straight right now so I apologise for anything that was left unclear.. Feel free to ask if there's anything that needs clarification. Also apologies for the spelling mistakes or missing words. Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to vent. I feel a bit better.

Katie

[bchlyn]

have you tried setting boundaries with your father... telling him that some issues are not ok and that you will not answer them?... even if you live in his house you have rights to privacy... i grew up in an alcoholic home also... and i completely understand how hard it is to set boundaries... but i think for you... it's important... that doesn't mean he won't cross them... but it might make it easier for you to take care of yourself when it happens... lyn

[Rhapsody]

I read your story and it sounds a lot like my past and how my step-father (one of my absuers) acted when I started hanging around boys........ give me some time to process this new area of sharing for me and I will get back with you - ((( hugs )))

[pachyderm]

> I wonder if that's normal for a father to ask?? I don't think it is.

I don't think so either.

> I'm too embarrassed to tell my T about this.

Do it.

[Kiya]

Katie, i dunno - there were no boundaries (for me) in my house either. I know that "when you live under my roof you'll obey my rules" and that applied to nothing sexual (like showers) in their house. Mind, when ever my bf did come over, my dad had him work on his computer - or grounded me and still had him work on his computer.

I think both my mom and dad would have questioned me about a shower. i have no idea if it is right or not. Course, i'm in my 30s now and (sadly still rooming at home, but paying rent) mom still comes into my room without knocking. *sigh*.

You have every right to go to school where you want - hang on to your dreams!

[iamtwilight]

Thanks so much everyone. I felt like it was a pointless post. I'm glad you folks didn't laugh at me or anything.

Lyn, I think that is a good idea, and I have said I won't answer any questions that are not ok with me, but when he's drunk I'm pretty powerless against him. It's kind of hard to do when you have just now realised that you can and it is recommended that you think for yourself. But I'm gonna have to keep trying nevertheless.

Rhapsody, take your time

Pachyderm, yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to do that eventually. My T and I, in my opinion, are reaching a sort of a milestone, as in, we are finally getting to the root of the problem.

Kiya, I'm not sure if it's right or not either, considering both of my parents are in their 60s/nearing their 60s, I understand they are kind of old-fashioned. However, it was okay when he was sober, (or at least he pretended that he was), but when he got drunk it became an issue. Argh, very confusing.