[RACEKA]

I really need some comments and support here.

I've been abused as a child as a wife and now as a mother.

My son is 17 due to be 18 on the 27th. He is a drug addict. I have been in recovery for 2 years. To make the story short he brings drugs in my house and manipulates me to no end. He is in and out of school and steals from me and sells stuff out of my house. He has anger issues and does serious damage to my house. He has never touched me. He throws stuff and punches the wall that scares me. I'm told that is so he can get what he wants. I've had him in treatment, counseling, had him arrested and nothing helped. Last week he faked a robbery at my house. He broke into a fire proof safe I have because of him and stole a silver dollar collection and cash. He damaged a outside door and bedroom door and a wall. The police and detectives know it was him because the outside door was pried from the inside. They can't convict him because there is not enough evidence. He has broken in the house before when he wasn't supposed to be here, but you can't break into your own home. You also cannot be charged with vandalism of your own home. So I've been screwed all around. Since I've been abused all my life, I didn't realize this was considered abuse.

He has agreed to move out on Sunday. He has no job, but he said he has a friend he can live with.

Here's my situtation. My T wants me to get a protection order. That would mean I could have no contact with him what so ever. If he contacts me at all I can have him arrested immediately. I am afraid he will try to break in. He knows my schedule. My T thinks with the drugs the next step could be to try to hurt me for money.

I've been crying all day. It's been me and him since he was 10 years old. We did everything together. I don't want to go without seeing him. My T wants me to take care of myself. He knows I don't do that. My son has manipulated me from jail before with his letters. I have a hard time turning him down, if he says he needs money for food. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but T says he already has. I love my son and want the best for him.

What do you all think?

[sunrise]

Raceka, that sounds so hard to have that going on with your own son.

I read a book last year that was very helpful to me in deciding the potential for domestic violence in one of my own relationships. The book is by Gavin De Becker and is called The Gift of Fear and other survival signals that protect us from violence.

One thing I remember it saying in the book is that studies have shown that when women get protective orders against men, the violence toward her tends to escalate. Men can get really pissed off about the protective order and seek revenge. Whereas violence was previously just simmering under the surface, the protective order can set it off. Sad but true. De Becker cautioned to think carefully about getting a protective order. He said police do not warn women of this--that the orders can backfire and be harmful to your health. If you do plan to get a protective order, be sure to take additional security measures BEFORE you get the order. For example, fortified doors and windows, a new security system, a locked gate around your property, perhaps even a handgun in the house and the training to use it, etc. I am not in favor of guns, but you need to do what you have to in order to protect yourself against your worst case scenario. Would it be possible to move from your house and not tell him where you went?

I highly recommend the book. It's very educational and sobering. I think your T should read it too. Maybe you could both read it and then discuss together and make your decision on the protective order.

I am really worried about you. Please take care and protect yourself.

[Troy]

The bad things he is doing are the drugs, not your son. He needs to move. You need to protect yourself. But remember the difference between this guy you see and the son you raised. The drugs are what you see today. I don't know enough to advise you, but I do know that your son, that cute 10 yr old boy, would not harm or threaten his mother. I hope he can find his way and survive his connection to the drugs that are controlling him now. IMHO

[wanttoheal]

Phew ((((((((((((RACEKA)))))))))))))))))
I've been where you are. It's SO hard when it's your child. I'm so sorry. If you would like to PM me, I can tell you what I did. It may not work for you, but I'm willing to share in case something sparks an idea for something else. I agree about the protection order... Please keep safe.

[RACEKA]

Thanks for all of your comments. I don't think I can get the protection order because he has not physically hurt me. That's what I'm reading from our county web's site.

I want protection that he can't come on my property, I'm afraid of him breaking in.

[RACEKA]

Today's his 18th birthday and he is out of the house. He's living with some friends in a nearby apartment. He only has to buy his food. He has no job. I bought him some groceries and gave him $30 to start him off.

T has been getting tough with me on taking care of myself. He really wants me to get the protection order. I really don't want to get it because I won't be able to talk to him at all. We decided to have my son sign an agreement that he won't come on to my property without prior permission or harass me for money. If he breaks the agreement then I will go for the protection order.

We'll see what happens.