One of my abusers died~may trigger

I found out last night that one of the guys that gang raped me when I was 10 died this weekend. I am having mixed feelings about this. But I dont know what to think about how I am feeling. I never wished outloud that he would die, but subconciously I feel I have. And I also feel relieved in a way too. But here he is married with kids and all that and how much they may be missing him. I hate feeling " happy" that he is gone. Because he is a loss to his family. I know most of you will say that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do. I just needed to vent some more about this. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it alot.

Tryin2bme

(((((((((Tryin2bme)))))))))))))) if you want them

I am sorry. I know it is a lot to process.

Thanks Nicole, I will take all the hugs I can get! I sure do need them. Thanks for being there for me on chat last night too. You were a big help.

Thank you Tryin2bme. I totally understand. I had a rough weekend myself and everyone here was so supportive.

Sorry I wasnt thinking Nicole~(((((((((NICOLE)))))))))) Hope that helps some more. Take care~

It seems normal to have these feelings. Regardless of the life that he now has, he did something horrible to you. You cannot be expected to feel sad over his death after what he did to you. By putting yourself into the shoes of how his family must feel you are just adding unnecessary burden onto yourself.

Jessica

((((((((((((((((((((Tryin2bme))))))))))))))))))))

((tryin)))

yes, these things happen.

guilt eh? let's talk.

what is it from? is it from wishing him dead all this time? is it from not feeling "happy" he's now gone? try and isolate this.

you do know that you didn't cause his death, by your wishing, right? you do realize that "happy" is not really a word for what you are feeling: some relief maybe, some acknowledgement of retribution he received for his lifestyle?

I do not think that you cry for him, and that's quite all right! You cry for yourself, and that's quite all right too! It has triggered you, and the memories are more real than they have been... and now you know that this one will never bother you - or anyone- again.

Unless you have been "following" his life, you really don't know that he changed at all, do you? Maybe you do... but the fact that he had a family, doesn't mean anything but that he may have hurt them too.

If he did change, you could use that for your benefit too...

Therapy is hard work.

Take care of yourself okay? Don't give this too much time, or you might drag yourself down and allow the "guilt" to take over.

(((((((((((((tryin))))))))))))))) only if you want them right now.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I think you have the right to feel any way you want to feel and need to feel to get through...period.

I told my t that it would've been so much better for us if my father had died in Viet Nam. On the other hand, one of the reasons I wouldn't tell on my older brother (my main abuser in many ways) was because I knew (in my child's mind) that my father would kill him. I didn't want him to die. I think we feel and think whatever we need to in order to get through what we need to. I still don't understand our younger thinking sometimes, but don't blame self any longer for that thinking. I got through...that's what matters.

I wish you peace soon, and hope you can feel ok about thinking and feeling whatever you needed to and may need to in the future, to deal with what happened.

Be safe and I'm thinking about you,

Kimmydawn