STILL dealing w/ abusive mother and I'm 32!

Sorry if this is long, but here's a bit of the history...ever since I was little my mother has been physically and emotionally abusive. She's a prescription drug addict and has been taking pills for as long as I can remember. I always lived in fear of her, never knowing what kind of mood she'd be in when she came home. She'd beat the crap out of us (me and my sister) for the smallest things. She says the most horribly mean things to people, never thinking or caring how it might hurt them. I've tried talking to her about her behaviour SO many times and she always refuses to admit any wrongdoing, or turns it around to make it my fault. Now that we are all adults and have kids, she is always criticizing our parenting, our kids, us, you name it, she can find something wrong with it!
My sister and my sister-in-law have both had words with her about the things she says and she'll be nice for awhile to them, but talk about them behind their backs. I've recently decided to just stay away from her as much as possible. Yesterday she came into town for the weekend and is staying at my sisters house. I don't want her at my house. I'd feel 'fake', because I actually LOATHE her and I don't want her anywhere near me. Last night, my 6 year old daughter and I went to my sisters house to visit and have dinner. My daughter was going to spend the night. As I was getting ready to leave, I had my daughter come downstairs and get changed for bed and she started crying, saying she wanted to play,etc. My mom told me 'If that's the way she's going to act, I don't want to be around her, you can just take her home with you."
I said "She's a kid mom, God forbid she CRY about something, she's not perfect, but fine, don't worry, I don't want you to have to 'be around' her"
Then of course, she turned it around to ME being ignorant and I became the one who caused the uproar...I told my daughter to get her jeans on and that we were going home, which made her cry more, and my mom yells from downstairs "If that's how you're going to act, I don't want to be around you", then as my daughter says "you dont even like me!", my mom starts saying how 'she' didnt say she couldnt spend the night,etc. It was just a ridiculous fiasco.
Needless to say, I brought my daughter home with me, I don't want her around my mother either. Just because a kid is crying, you dont tell them you dont want to be around them! And the whole time, my daughter kept saying "I wont be able to tell Nana happy birthday tomorrow" (today is my moms b-day)
Now how pitiful is that?? Here is my mother being so awful to her and all my daughter is worried about is not being able to tell this mean woman happy birthday?
The worst part is that my mom doesnt see ANY of it!
It just made me so mad to see her hurting my daughter and since she still treats ME like crap, I'm not letting her treat my daughter that way too.
I've never had therapy to deal with what I'VE been through with her, I'm on disability because of anxiety attacks and chronic depression and now I've been diagnosed with Adult ADD. I KNOW my emotional/mental problems as an adult are directly linked to my mother and how she treats me. She's continually told me what a screw-up I am, I can't make any decisions for myself and God forbid you do something else than what SHE thinks you should do, because HER way is the ONLY way and you never hear the end of it.
I hate this woman. I feel guilty with God for feeling this way, but Lord help me, I've tried SO many times to make my peace with her! It would be different if things would CHANGE, but when it's the same things over and over, HOW am I supposed to just 'forgive and forget'??

I think getting the H--- away from your mother sounds like a GREAT idea. She is still abusive and shows no indication of ever changing, and if she is allowed to be around your little girl, she will damage her self-esteem and maybe even her ability to FEEL her feelings. You are the mommy now, and it's your job to keep your little girl safe.

Aside from the parental duty, you have a duty to yourself. You have been hurt enough in your life. You didn't deserve it. And you do not deserve to be hurt any more. Obviously your relationship with your mother offers you nothing but further pain and rejection. So why continue it at all?

I hope this didn't sound insensitive. I'm sorry for the pain you have had in your life. I sincerely hope for you that you can find a way to get out of the cycle- to save yourself and your child from further injury. I'm sorry you had such a mean mom.

((((hugs))))) if you want them.

Angela

She's a sick woman and the only way out is to totally seperate from her, stop all contact. No guilt, no shame, and no explanation necessary. Best step I ever took. Now I have a little sister who is 33. You could be her, get out and save the kid and yourself. By the way she is the baby and the oldest is 50. The female parent totured all of us but for some reason, me more. Also, therapy has helped me a lot with the traumatic memories. Good luck.

i am 33 with five kids. i dont see my mother and i dont feel guilty about it. she was a lousy mom ( took me 4 years of therapy to be able to say that) i have enough problems trying to deal with my issues without dealing with hers. i moved away from her and its working out great. just know this for sure....you cannot make her change make her feel make her anything. work on yourself and raise your kids to be happy and well adjusted. you are not responsible for your mom. your own metal health is more important. remember that.

THANK YOU!! You've all just reinforced exactly what I've been feeling.
My mom just 'showed up' at my house today like nothing happened.
It makes me SO mad!

Oh, also, I've been thinking about writing her a letter or something to tell her everything I think/feel and telling her I just want to stop contact with her. Anyone have any suggestions on this?

I suggest you write it and keep it for a while before you send it, so that you can revise things if you change your mind about how to word them or think of something to add or stronger points, anything like that

Angela

Good idea. I can ALWAYS think of more to say or things to re-word. I just ordered 2 books off amazon.com today about codependence, of course the best one, the newest edition of 'codependence no more'. I read that book in 1996 and it really helped me with some things then and I feel like I really need to read it again to deal with this thing with my mom.

HI. I just wanted to weigh in here....

I wrote my mother a letter, regarding her behavior toward me. I really laid into her about her abuse and neglect and how she always made me feel lower than dirt, etc. She told me later it came as a (get this) "total shock" that I was feeling that way. Anyway, it didn't change anything, so I just keep my distance now. When she has a crisis, she calls me. Or if she wants to know how my brothers/sister are doing, she'll call me. My suggestion is to just do as Angela said, write it slowly, revise it and take your time. At the same time, try to lay low. Then you can really get past the exterior "anger" and dig down really deep to the real issues.

I wish you luck.

(((Hugs))) if o.k.

Take Care.
Kimberly

Hi. I have a feeling my mom will just be all mad and defensive and just won't talk to me for awhile or something. (which is still ok, at least I don't have to deal w/ her!)
But I think I'll talk w/ my therapist this week and see what she suggests too.
Thanks!

Good call. I always thing talking to a T is a good idea. And your T knows your situation better than we do, too.

Good luck!

Angela