[itsjustme111]

Hey everyone. Its 3:00am here. I am thinking about my kids. I was looking at pictures and downloading music. I finally figured it out; lol. I miss my babies, its too lonely here.

While I was going through my pictures, I fell apart. It brought back things that I didn't ever want to remember. I was sexually abused when I was younger. I always try to ignore the feelings and fears I have of the past but its not so easy. I had so much anger tonight. I am afraid, afraid of dealing with all of this. This is why my eating disorder served so much purpose for me. I can't let it go.

I don't want to go for the treatment. I know its the best thing or I will be stuck in this unhappiness forever. And if this keeps going, I am as good as dead. As real as it sounds, its true. I don't want to face all of this. The nightmares are enough, to deal with it in reality, I am scared. I feel so down tonight or this morning rather. My doctor gave me pain killers, I want to take all of them. I won't do that, it just crossed my mind. It left as soon as it came but its bugging me somewhat. I feel like flushing the darn things, but I am sure I would regret it when I need them the most.

I did not take any laxatives today, and its driving me nuts. I have some in the house but am trying to stay away. I like having them here, its like a safe feeling. Strange isn't it. I am mumbling through this, sry. I like talking, (well kind of) when I am feeling this way. Just feel yucky and lonely. Am I going to make it through all of this, I don't think I am strong enough. I hate this, make this sadness go away.

Justy

[SweetCrusader]

You are strong enough, sweetheart. You can get through this. You only have to do it one day at a time.

What you say makes sense. I can understand about the laxatives. I've never used them, but I do cut and I find it comforting sometimes to have razor there "just in case" that I'm "not going to use" you know? But it is a warning sign for me- if I feel reluctant to throw out the razors, I know that's when I need to talk about it with someone safe in order to keep myself ok.

Your pain is from the past. And it hurts a LOT. Believe me, I do understand this. But you are safe now, and you have the ability to make your life your own. You really do! You just have to process through all of the pain of your childhood. Just push through that and you will make it, Justy. Just push, push, push one day at a time. And something my T always tells me when I think I've had all I can take, she reminds me that the psyche has a lot of defense mechanisms and a "wisdom all its own" and my psyche will not hand me anything that I truly am not equipped to handle yet. Even if I feel like can't go on, I CAN. It's the same for you. You can survive this, Justy. You can choose to do that, and you can avoid letting yourself down. Just endure one day at a time.

You can live again.

(((((hugs))))))
Angela

[itsjustme111]

Thanks so much, your words are strong. They are so true. I have never dealth with these issues and they are hitting me hard right now. My t said when some issue come up in life, all of the rest seem to hit as well. Which can make it more difficult cause we have to accept all of the emotions at once. I did not take any laxatives. I did go out today and bought a whack of them. I am not sure why but I have not taken any. I felt better just buying them. May sound odd but its real for me.

I am going out for a while tonight. Just going to the bar to listen to music. My friend that I have not seen in a while is coming too. Don't worry, I won't get stupid with alcohol. I don't think this body could handle that. Besides, I am on these pain killers, I am sure that combination would not go so well together. But its good, because I won't sit there and not drink anything. I will have at least some pop. I am not big on pop but something is good, right?? I need to get out. With the kids gone I need to keep busy. So being out will bring my spirits up. And another thought too is I don't want to take a bunch of laxatives then go out to the bar. LOLOL. Wouldn't I be a gem. HEHE. Not likely. So this is also good, cause I won't take any. he is cute.

Have an awesome day all of you.

Justy

[SweetCrusader]

I think getting out sounds like a wonderful idea, especially if you avoid the alcohol.

Have a great night, Justy! You need and deserve it!!!

Angela

[itsjustme111]

Thanks again. I do want to get out but yes, avoiding the alcohol. I think I will be fine. I know better. lolol. ITs not worth feeling like junk the next day. And I would rather not end up at ER.

I will have a great night. I need this so bad.

Justy